Shattered
by Stabson
Summary: He was damaged, his heart had been shattered, but maybe that was why she was so drawn to him. One thing was for sure: she was going to do whatever she had to, to try and make him whole again.
1. Chapter 1

A/N: Just another rewrite. Hope you all enjoy this; I've made some more serious improvements. This one is dedicated to The Congressman, who I hope is reading right now. Thanks for the kind messages. It's really encouraged me to get back into the game.

* * *

Elliot Stabler was completely and utterly exhausted. He stumbled into his home in Queens as quietly as he could, silently wondering whether or not his wife of fifteen years had stayed up to wait for him. He toed off his shoes, and removed his jacket, sighing as the heat soaked into his chilled bones.

He told her earlier that day that he wouldn't be home until late, if at all. She'd been upset, of course, mostly due to the fact that they hadn't seen each other in three days. After the body of a teenage girl was found, the Manhattan Special Victims Unit had been launched in an all out race to find the killer, a serial rapist with a new victim every six hours.

Finally, after a mentally and physically exhausting week, they caught the bastard. His new partner, the third since Dave Rossetti died, quit right after they closed the case. He'd lasted about five days; Elliot couldn't even remember the man's name.

He shook those thoughts away; he didn't blame the man. After working with Special Victims Unit for the better part of five years, he still wanted to cringe at the stories he heard. He doubted that would ever change.

"Hey."

The voice was like music to his ears. Kathy, his wife and the mother of his two beautiful daughters, flipped on the lamp next to the couch that she sat on. She looked almost as tired as he did, and he silently wondered how long she had been sitting there waiting for him.

"Hey." He answered, collapsing next to her. His screaming muscles thanked him. "I told you not to wait up for me."

"I wanted to make sure you got home alright." She said, gently running her hand through his short hair, a gesture she knew soothed him. "How's the case?"

"Closed." He answered, leaning back, relaxing under her touch.

"Are you okay?" She asked quietly.

_She always knows when something's wrong. _

"It was tough." He admitted, glancing at her. He didn't say anymore; he hated bringing his work home with him, though sometimes it was hard. He didn't want to drag her into the horrors that he saw every day. He had enough nightmares for the both of them.

"Do you want to talk about it?"

He shook his head. "It's alright."

"No, it's not." She said. "I know you're in pain right now. Talk to me, maybe I can help."

He leaned into her. "You being here is enough."

"Alright." She conceded. "But if you do want to talk, I'm here for you. Okay?"

He gave her a small smile, and nodded.

"C'mon, let's get to bed. You look exhausted."

* * *

The next day, Elliot awoke to the sun shining through his window, a rare occurrence. Usually, he was up before the sun even rose and out as it came up. Cragen had given him strict orders to take the following day off, though, something that Elliot had no problem with. He could use a day off.

Though he'd been sleeping for almost ten hours, he still felt groggy and sluggish. He couldn't force himself to go back to sleep; years in the Marines and the NYPD had taught him the need to be productive. If he wasn't, he would go crazy.

So, instead of laying in bed and sleeping off his exhaustion, he got up and dressed in warm clothing. The night before, he noticed inches of snow trampled down in the driveway.

* * *

The day after, Elliot returned to the precinct. He felt refreshed, renewed, and ready for whatever case he would be assigned to next.

_What a difference a day off can make. _

"Morning, Elliot." John Munch said as the younger man walked into the bullpen. "How was your day off?"

"Refreshing." Elliot said, hanging his jacket on the back of his chair. "We catch anything yet?"

"Not yet. Didn't you have a partner a few days ago?"

Elliot shrugged his shoulders. "Another one that couldn't handle it. At this rate, I'll be flying solo forever."

"You're not that lucky." John said, returning to his paperwork.

Elliot began pulling out files, and sighed. "Yeah, you're right."

The morning went without much of a hitch. In the early afternoon, Cragen sent Elliot and Munch out to Mercy General to interview a victim.

"God, I hate these cases." Munch said, peering into the hospital room where a young girl lay. She looked to be about fourteen. Her face and arms were heavily bruised and her eyes were wide and filled with fear.

Elliot looked solemnly in at the girl, his heart breaking. "I know. Me too."

"One of us should go in. She may be intimidated if two unknown men come into her room." Munch said.

"You're right."

"I'll see you afterwards, then."

Elliot turned towards Munch. "Whoa, whoa. Why me?"

Munch shrugged. "You're the father. You know how to talk to little girls better than I do."

Elliot sighed, rubbing his temples. "Yeah, yeah."

He readied himself, and took a deep breath before approaching the doorway. He knocked on the frame. "Hey there. Are you Megan?"

The girl stared at him blankly, and Elliot wondered if she even comprehended what he was saying. He took a deep breath.

"I'm Elliot, a police officer. Can I come in?"

Once again, nothing.

"I'm going to come in. I'm here to help you, okay? You're safe now." He took a few slow steps, and when she didn't flinch away or tell him to back off, he moved a little bit quicker, and sat next to her.

"How are you holding up?" He asked. A moment of silence later, he couldn't handle the silence anymore. "Can you talk to me, sweetie?"

She finally focused in on him. "S-sorry." Her voice was soft and unsure. "I-I am Megan. I-I guess I'm alright."

"Can you tell me what happened to you?"

She bit her lip, and shook her head. "I-I don't want to talk about it."

"I know." Elliot said. "I know what you're going through is really painful and scary. But if you tell me what happened, I'll be able to help you, and hopefully we- my partner and I- will be able to catch the person that did this to you. You want that, don't you?"

Megan nodded. "Of course."

Elliot reached out, and squeezed her hand gently. "I'm listening, then."

She took a deep breath, and nodded. "I-it happened so fast. I was walking home from the subway after my guitar lesson. H-he came up from behind me, and grabbed my case. I tried to turned around to see who it was, but he pulled my shirt over my face and I-I couldn't move my arms."

Elliot squeezed her hand as she continued, letting her know that he was there for her. "He pulled me into an alley and… he-he… raped me. When he was done, h-he ran off. Never even said a word to me."

The tears streamed down her face. She fell into his chest, and began to sob.

"Shh…" He whispered, rocking her back and forth gently. "It's going to be okay. He's not going to hurt you anymore."

"This sucks." Elliot grumbled, leaving the hospital room. Megan had finally calmed down, and fell into a deep sleep, probably due to the painkillers the nurse administered a few moments earlier.

Munch pat his shoulder. "It's hard for all of us, El."

The younger detective nodded curtly, clearing his throat as he pushed back the emotion. "I know. Come on, we better get back to the station."

Just as they walked out of the hospital, Elliot's cell phone began to vibrate in his pocket.

"Stabler." He said into the receiver.

"Elliot." Cragen's voice greeted from the other end. His voice was filled with remorse and something else. Pity?

"What's going on?" He asked as panic rose in his throat.

"It's Kathy, Maureen and Kathleen."


	2. Chapter 2

A/N: Thanks to the reviewers on Chapter 1 of this rewrite! This chapter was a bit harder for me to write than the first time around; I'm not sure why. But I hope you enjoy it!

* * *

"It's Kathy, Maureen and Kathleen."

His heart skipped a beat. The remorse in Cragen's voice was unmistakable.

_What is going on? Please tell me they're okay. They have to be okay._

"They were involved in a car accident this morning. They've been taken to Mercy General. I'm on my way over there."

"I'm here already." He said, a knot rising in his throat. "Wh-where are they? If they're here, they're going to be okay, right?"

The pause in Cragen's voice was much too long. "I'll be there in five minutes; just hold on. Can I talk to Munch?"

Elliot handed the phone to the older detective. They talked for a moment, and John handed the phone back. He rested his hand on Elliot's shoulder. "C'mon, Elliot, let's sit down."

He pulled away from John's shoulder, shaking his head violently. "I don't want to sit down. I want to know what the hell's going on with my family."

"Cragen will be here in a few minutes. He'll take you to them; he didn't tell me where they were. Sit and stay calm for now, you don't want them to see you worked up like this and scare them, do you?"

Elliot shook his head, sinking into the hard, plastic chair against the wall. John sat beside him. "What did Megan tell you? She gave you a statement, right?"

"She was raped." He said. He tried to remember what else the girl told him, but her face was replaced with the faces of his own daughters in his mind, bloody and broken.

_Why didn't Cragen tell me they're okay?_

"It's going to be alright, Elliot." John said, squeezing his shoulder. "They're going to be fine."

"Then why didn't Cragen tell me that?" He asked. "Why is he coming here, why didn't he tell me where they are before showing up?"

"I don't know."

It seemed like forever before Cragen approached them from down the hall. Elliot shot to his feet, and rushed to meet the captain. "Where are they? What's going on?"

Cragen took a deep breath. "Maybe you should sit down."

Cold fear clenched his chest. "I don't want to sit down. I want to know what's happened to my family."

The captain rested his hands on Elliot's shoulders. "I'm so sorry, son. Kathy and Kathleen are gone. They both passed away in OR just about an hour ago."

The air was stolen from his lungs. His heart dropped into the pit of his stomach. The two men caught him as his knees collapsed from underneath him. Tears welled in his eyes; he felt like he was going to throw up.

_They're gone... they-they're dead? They can't be dead, they-1`_

"Maureen." He whispered, and looked up at Cragen. "What about Maureen?"

"She's here." Cragen said. "C'mon."

Cragen and John guided him down the hallway to one of the nursing stations.

"We're looking for Maureen Stabler." Cragen told the woman sitting at the desk. "This is her father."

"Just a minute." The woman said, punching a few keys into her computer. "Stabler, let's see… room 417. Doctor Anderson was looking for a parent. I'll let him know you're here."

Moments later, after paging the doctor, a short man with blond hair and bronze skin approached them. "Mr. Stabler, I presume. I'm Doctor Anderson."

Elliot shook the doctor's hand. "What's going on with my daughter? Please tell me she's going to be okay."

Anderson frowned. "Your wife and both of your daughters sustained serious injuries. I'm so sorry that I couldn't do anything for Kathy and Kathleen. We tried our best to save Maureen, but there isn't much we can do; her injuries are just too severe. There's a very small chance that she will survive."

He felt like he had been punched in the gut. He swallowed the lump in his throat, scrubbing the tears from his eyes. "H-how small?"

"We don't think she'll survive the night. I'm so sorry, Mr. Stabler."

"Can I see her?" He asked.

"Of course. Just down the hall on your left. I must warn you, though… she doesn't look very well at all."

He didn't care. He needed to see her; he needed to hold her and try to make everything okay again.

When he entered, he almost regretted his decision. Maureen laid on the bed, looking so small and fragile. A blood-stained bandage covered part of her forehead, both of her eyes were surrounded by purple and black, and she was pale to the point of being unnatural. He approached her bed, and dropped into the chair next to her, reaching for her hand, which was cold.

"Mo." He whispered, tears flooding his eyes. "I'm here, sweetie. Daddy's here."

She stirred, and her eyes opened slowly. "D-Daddy?"

He couldn't force a smile for her, not even a reassuring look. He ran his free hand gently over her forehead. "Shh. It's alright, I'm here."

"Mom? Kat?" She asked quietly.

He couldn't even say the words. He pursed his lips, and shook his head.

Tears ran down her broken, bruised face. "I-I'm scared." She whispered.

"What are you scared of?" Elliot asked quietly.

"I d-don't want t-to die."

His heart snapped in half. He blinked back more tears, trying to be strong for the dying little girl next to him. "Of course not. You're going to be fine. You're going to get out of here, and I'll take you to the park when it gets warmer. You'd like that, wouldn't you?"

Maureen nodded. "Yeah."

"We'll play soccer. Me, you and Kat, that would be fun, wouldn't it? I'll take you guys out for ice cream afterwards. What flavor do you want?"

"Strawberry." She whispered. "That's my favorite."

He nodded through his tears. "Strawberry then."

"I'm so tired, Daddy. I just want to sleep now. Can I go to sleep?"

Elliot sat on the edge of her bed. "Please try to stay awake for me, sweetie. Just try to keep those eyes open. Can you do that?"

"I'll try."

Elliot gently lifted her into his lap, stroking his hand through her knotted hair. "Thank you."

Though she tried to keep her eyes open, Elliot noticed her eyelids droop further and further.

"Can I sleep now?" She finally asked.

_There's nothing I can do. I can't save her. _

He lifter her face close to his and kissed her forehead. Her forehead was cold as he rested his cheek against it. "You can sleep now. When you wake up, everything will be okay."

"Do you promise?" She asked softly, eyes already halfway closed.

"I promise." He whispered, his arms tightening around her.

Maureen's eyes closed the rest of the way, and Elliot felt her breaths grow shallower and further apart. Finally, after a few minutes, they stopped all together.

He held her tightly as his body began to shake. Tears streamed down his face as he held the limp body of his first-born, nothing more than a shell of what she once was.

Cragen sat beside Elliot on the bed, and placed his hand on the detective's back. Tears moistened his own eyes as he watched the heartbreaking scene play out before him.

"C'mon, Elliot." He said softly. "There's nothing more you can do. Let's get you out of here, you don't need to see this."

"Yes I do." He whispered, rocking her back and forth. He sniffled, swallowing back more tears. "I wasn't there for them. Why couldn't I be there?"

"You were here for Maureen, that's what matters." Cragen said. "You didn't let her die alone."

His body shook with more quiet sobs as the word pierced him. _Die. Dead. They're really gone._

Cragen grasped his arm gently. "C'mon. Let's get you out of here."

He didn't have the strength to fight. The captain gently took Maureen from his arms, placed her back down on the bed and guided Elliot out of the room.

Cragen pulled into the driveway, and looked across the car at Elliot. He looked lost; he stared out the window at the house like he didn't even recognize where he was.

"Do you want me to keep you company for a bit?" He asked gently.

Elliot turned to him, silent for a moment as he tried to comprehend the captain's words. Finally, he shook his head. "I'll be okay. Thanks though."

Cragen nodded. "Alright. I'm putting you on paid leave, you take as much time as you need."

"Thanks." His voice was monotone. The captain knew that he was both physically and emotionally drained.

"I'll call you tomorrow."

Elliot got out of the car, and headed towards the front door. Cragen stared at the door for a moment after it closed, his heart aching for his detective. The road ahead would not be easy; the captain knew that better than most. He frowned as pain locked away came back to the surface. He'd been devastated when he lost Marge, his wife and only love. He could only imagine what Elliot was feeling. Not only did he lose his love, but also the two little girls that meant the most to him.

Sighing, he pulled out of the driveway and headed home.

Inside, Elliot took of his jacket and hung it on the rack by the door.

_Kathy will be upset if I don't-_

_ Kathy won't be getting upset ever again._

Pain welled up in his chest. He stumbled into the kitchen, the voices of Maureen and Kathleen ringing in his ears.

_They're actually gone. I'm never going to see them again. _

He couldn't take the thought. His shoulders began to shake; he tried to hold the tears back, but it just wasn't working.

His fist came down on the kitchen table. Pain shot up his forearm. He sunk into the kitchen chair, holding the tears at bay.

_How could this happen?_

Finally, he gave in. Tears streamed down his face and gut-wrenching sobs erupted from his chest.

He didn't know how he was going to survive without them.


	3. Chapter 3

Elliot sat against the wall on the floor of Maureen's bedroom. Tear tracts that hadn't had the time to dry yet ran down his cheeks. He brought his knees to his chest, nearly shaking as waves of emotional pain crashed over him.

The funeral would start in an hour. He was dressed in his black suit with an untied tie around his neck. He had tried to tie it, but his hands had been shaking too much.

_I can't do this. How does anyone expect me to?_

His chest began to shake as new tears streamed down his face. He dropped his head back against the wall and closed his eyes.

The doorbell rang downstairs, but he made no move to get it. He knew it was Cragen, coming to pick him up for the funeral. The captain had offered to go with him, to offer his support, and Elliot had gratefully accepted, He knew he wouldn't be able to do it alone.

_I can't go. _

He wasn't ready for this. He wasn't ready to leave the confines of the bright purple bedroom and watch the people that mattered most to him be buried in the ground, with tombstones, flowers… It was too real. Too finite.

"Elliot?" The door creaked open a moment later. The captain entered. "What are you doing in here?"

He shook his head. "I can't do this. I can't go."

Cragen sat down beside him, silent for a moment. "Why not?"

Elliot wiped away the tears on his face. "It hurts too much. I can't do it."

"I know it hurts." Cragen placed a hand on his shoulder. "But you can do this. I know you can."

"I'm not this strong." He whispered, "I'm not strong enough to… to bury my daughters… my wife…"

His chest began to shake once more as he tried to control his sobs.

"It'll be alright. I'll be right next to you the whole time. If it gets to be too much, we'll go. I promise."

_They're my family. I owe it to them to at least show up. _

Elliot took a deep breath, and nodded reluctantly. "Alright."

Cragen helped him up, dusted him off, and tied his tie. "C'mon."

They walked down to the car together. The ride to the church only lasted about twenty minutes, but it seemed to go by much faster than the detective wanted it to. The closer they got, the deeper his heart sunk; there wasn't much he wouldn't rather do.

The car parked in the lot of the church, and Cragen got out, but Elliot was frozen. He stared at the large stone building, pain welling up in his chest.

_You made it this far. Get out of the car; you can do this._

_ I can't go in there. _

He jumped as the captain opened his door. "C'mon."

That afternoon was one that he would rather forget. Cragen sat beside him the entire time, silently offering support, but it didn't make a difference. At first, his pain was silent; he cried no tears. However, as soon as they reached the cemetery and he saw the names of his family on tombstones, it was like the dam broke. Tears streamed down his face. When the service ended, several people approached to offer him comfort, from both his side of the family and Kathy's. He attempted to wipe the tears away, but more just replaced them.

Finally, only he and Cragen remained at the gravesite. Elliot stood in front of the three stones, his shoulders shaking as tears ran down his face. He dropped his face into his hands and sobs shook his body. Cragen placed a hand on his shoulder, and squeezed gently.

"It's going to be alright, son." He said.

"How?" Elliot asked, scrubbing his face. "How in the hell is everything going to be alright?"

"It may not seem like it now, but this pain won't last forever. You just have to hang in there now."

Elliot wiped away the new tears that had formed as Cragen gently guided him back to the car. "Let's get you out of here."

"How about some lunch?" Cragen asked as they pulled out of the cemetery, knowing that Elliot hadn't been eating nearly enough over the past few days.

He couldn't imagine eating; he doubted he would be able to keep anything down. "I'm not very hungry. I just want to go home."

The captain nodded and gave him a reassuring smile. "Alright."

When they reached the house, Elliot got out slowly, and turned back towards Cragen. "Thanks, Cap'n."

The older man nodded. "Of course. You know I'm always here if you want to talk. Are you sure you don't want some company for a while?"

"I'm sure." Elliot said. "I'd like to be alone right now. Thank you though."

Cragen nodded. "Take care of yourself then."

The detective closed the door and headed into the house. He watched the black sedan pull away from the house, then turned to the empty living room. It seemed so strange… so empty.

The kitchen was dark as well. Elliot dropped into one of the chairs, and his head fell into his hands. He stared down at the wood grains of the table.

_"I-I'm scared. I don't want to die."_

It was overwhelming. He jumped to his feet, flinging the chair halfway across the room. He slammed his fists against the cabinet behind him over and over; he couldn't get Maureen's face out of his head… she had been so small, so young, and so scared. None of the three deserved what happened to them.

All of his strength flowed out of him, and he collapsed against the counter. He didn't even have the strength to cry anymore. Instead, he leaned back against the counter, drew his knees against his chest and dropped his head into his folded arms. He was starting to feel numb; the emotions that were overwhelming him a few moments ago were starting to make him feel numb.

His eyelids were growing increasingly heavy. He hadn't been sleeping as much as he should have, and he was exhausted to the point where he didn't even think he could make it to the bedroom upstairs. Instead, he managed to stand, stumble to the couch and collapse onto the cushions.

That night, he was too exhausted to even dream.


	4. Chapter 4

A/N: Why, hello! Just wanted to thank everyone for all of their kind reviews. Keep 'em coming, I love hearing the feedback! Anyway, we have a big chapter here... here comes OLIVIA!

* * *

Three days passed. On the fourth, there was a knock on Elliot's front door. When he answered it, Cragen stood on the porch.

The captain frowned deeply at his detective's appearance. His clothes were rumpled, there were bags under his eyes, and it looked like he hadn't shaved since the funeral.

Without saying a word, Elliot stepped aside to let Cragen in.

"How are you feeling?" The captain asked.

Elliot shrugged, collapsing on the couch. There was a blanket laying over the cushions; it looked like he hadn't even been sleeping in his bedroom.

"Not too hot." He said finally.

Cragen nodded, sitting across from him. "I don't pretend to know what you're going through. You know you can talk to me."

"Don't really want to talk about it."

"Alright, let's talk about work. Are you planning on coming back?"

"Yeah. I'll be back next week."

"You know, it's okay to take some more time off. You need to take care of yourself, Elliot."

He scrubbed his face with his hands. "It's fine. I'm fine, I just… just need a couple more days."

"If you're not ready, then that's fine. You have a mountain of time piled up, you can take as much of it as you want."

Elliot jumped to his feet. "Look, I appreciate your concern, but I just can't sit around and think about it. I need to get my mind off of it."

Cragen stared at him for a moment, and nodded. "Alright. Do what you think you need. You should know by now that I'm here whenever you need to talk to somebody."

Elliot nodded. "Thanks."

"Alright. You going to be okay?"

"I'm going to have to be, aren't I?"

Cragen pat him on the shoulder. "Well, if you're not, give me a call."

When the captain left, Elliot took a deep breath and grabbed a beer from the kitchen. He had a plan for the rest of his afternoon, and it involved a lot of alcohol.

The next morning, he woke up with his stomach tumbling and a killer headache. The morning after that was a similar situation. His weekend was nothing more than a hazy mess of drunkenness and pain.

Monday morning, he got dressed in a suit, and looked at himself in the mirror. There were still bags under his eyes, his beard was growing in quite messy, and his skin was just a little too pale.

He didn't notice any of that, but he did notice how pathetically alone he looked and felt. He also noticed how he looked in the mirror and completely loathed himself.

He scrubbed his face with his hand, tightened his tie and turned away from the mirror.

When he walked into the bullpen, he immediately felt eyes on him. Munch and Fin both stood from their desks and approached him.

"Hey, man. How are you doing?" Fin asked, patting him on the back.

Elliot frowned, and cleared his throat. "It's been rough."

"We're here for you, Elliot." Munch said. "You're not alone in all this."

"Thanks, guys."

"Elliot." Cragen stood in the doorway of his office. "Can I have a word?"

Elliot sat in front of Cragen's desk, waiting for him to speak. The captain took a deep breath, shuffled some papers, and looked at the detective. "You didn't tell me you were coming back today."

Elliot shrugged. "I didn't know I was until this morning. I woke up, and… I just couldn't sit in that house all day."

"Are you sure you're ready for this, Elliot? It's okay if you're not."

Elliot stared down at his hands as he rubbed them together. The captain could almost see the thoughts running through his head. "Cap'n… I can't just sit in that house anymore. Every time I turn around…" Tears formed in his eyes. He sniffled, trying desperately to blink them away. "I see something that reminds me of them. They're all I can think about. I need to take my mind off of it. I need to get out there and do something or I'll think too much."

The captain took a deep breath. "I'm putting you on limited field time."

"Desk duty?"

"Look, Elliot, it's only been a week. I'm hesitant enough to let you back to work at all, never mind going out into the field and to crime scenes. Limited field time, that's what I'm offering you."

Elliot took a deep breath, and nodded. "Alright. Limited field time."

Munch and Jeffries were sitting at their desks working when Elliot left the captain's office. He sat down, took out case files and began to work. Elliot took a deep breath, attempting to bury himself in his work.

It didn't work very well. He stared at the blank document, trying to get his mind right. He wrote down a few words, and slowly but surely, thoughts of work and his cases began to overshadow thoughts of his family.

"Hey, Elliot." Munch said, approaching Elliot's desk. "Want to grab some lunch?"

"Thanks, John. But I'm not very hungry."

"Well, let's at least get out of here for a half hour or so. C'mon." Munch closed Elliot's case file, and took his arm, gently pulling him away from his desk.

"So, how are you doing?" Munch asked as they walked down the sidewalk towards a diner close to the precinct.

Elliot snorted. "Do you really have to ask?"

"No, but it's good to talk about. Get your mind off of everything."

"Well, I feel like shit. All the time." Elliot said, shoving his hands into his pockets as they walked. "I just… I can't stop thinking about them, you know?"

"I can't imagine what you're going through. But you know I'm here if you ever need to talk to someone."

"Thanks, John, but… talking about it doesn't help. Not thinking about it doesn't help. Coming back here and trying to work doesn't seem to help." Elliot sighed shakily, keeping the tears at bay. When he spoke, it came out in nothing more than a whisper. "I feel like there's a giant hole in my chest, John. And I don't know how to fix it. I don't know if it will ever heal."

John reached out and squeezed his shoulder. He didn't know what else to say, so he didn't say anything. He simply squeezed Elliot's shoulder, trying to offer him comfort.

It didn't work.

* * *

"Where are Munch and Jeffries?" Cragen asked, walking out of his office.

"Still on lunch break." Elliot said, looking up from the file he was working on. He noticed the slip of paper in the captain's hands. "Is there a new case? I'll take it."

"You're on limited field time, remember?" Cragen said, "I'll wait for Munch and Jeffries to get back."

"It's been three weeks." Elliot said. "You can't keep me on desk duty forever."

Cragen toyed with the piece of paper in his hand for a moment, and took a deep breath. "You're right. Take this one."

It wasn't hard to find the crime scene. People and squad cars filled the vicinity; CSI roamed the area and police patrolled the perimeter of the scene. One quick flash of his badge, and he was allowed under the yellow tape.

"Melinda." He called, jogging up to the medical examiner.

"Elliot." Melinda greeted. "Welcome back. How are you doing?"

"Probably better than our victim. What do we have?"

The medical examiner frowned. "Elliot… I really don't think you should look at this victim."

"Why not? This is my case. I have to." Elliot pushed past Melinda to see the body, and immediately froze. He suddenly wished he had followed Melinda's advice. A young girl laid on the ground in front of him; she couldn't have been older than Kathleen. Fuzzy, knotted blonde hair framed her face. Her cheeks were still tinted pink and her eyes were closed.

Elliot's knees went weak. His mouth felt like cotton. He turned away from the body, shaking his head.

"Do we have an I.D.?" He asked, trying to keep the pain out of his voice.

"The father's right over there." Melinda said.

Elliot turned, and saw him, leaning against a squad car. Closer inspection revealed that he had been crying.

"Sir?" He asked gently as he walked over. "I'm Detective Stabler. I'll be working your daughter's case."

"Mike Bishop." He answered. "I can't… I can't believe that someone would do something like this. Katie was such a sweet girl."

"It's alright." Elliot pat Mike on the shoulder. His heart sunk into the pit of his stomach. "It could have happened to anyone. It's not your fault."

* * *

Elliot walked into the precinct hours later. The icy grip around his heart hadn't eased… it had gotten even worse. He couldn't help but see all of the similarities between Katie and his own children, and Mike and himself. The pain was unbearable.

The detective walked up to the roof. It always seemed to calm him; the cool wind, the sounds of the city… It always helped when he was feeling down.

But today was different. The roof couldn't calm him. He sighed, holding the rail tightly as he looked down at the usual afternoon traffic. Light bounced off of the windows of the buildings across the way.

God, he missed them. The pain hadn't even begun to fade, and he doubted that it ever would. Even his dreams were filled with their memories. Elliot shook his head, feeling tears pool in his eyes and a trembling lower lip. He was sick of crying. Turning, he sunk to the floor, leaning heavily against the railing.

He felt his service weapon dig into his side, and slowly pulled it out. He had been shooting guns his whole life… his father had taught him when he was young. It was one of the only good things the man had done for him.

_It would be so easy to end it here. _

_ Suicide's a sin. _

_ At least the pain would stop. _

One bullet. That was all he needed. Just one. The pain would stop forever; he wouldn't have to live with the guilt that he was breathing, and his daughters were not.

Elliot turned the safety off, and cocked the gun with shaking hands. He held the gun tightly in his hands, tears forming in his eyes. He sniffled, staring out at the city. This definitely wasn't how he had imagined his last moments… he always thought about being with his kids, and Kathy…

He would be with them soon.

Or, he would be in Hell soon. Either way, it would all be over. He pressed the gun under his chin slowly, and closed his eyes as his finger went to the trigger. All the pain would be over in a moment. He took a deep breath, his finger squeezing the trigger slightly.

"Elliot?" The captain asked softly from above him.

He opened his eyes, and saw the captain's concerned face looking down at him. Cragen sat on the floor next to the detective. "What are you doing?"

"What does it look like?" Elliot asked, hands shaking, tears stinging his eyes. "I'm ending it."

"You don't have to do this." The captain said. "I know you're hurt, and I know it seems like this is the only way out, but it's not. Okay? It's not."

"I'm so sick of feeling like this." He whispered. "All of the time."

"I know." Cragen said. "I know. But you can get through this; I know you can. You're too strong for this, to die like this."

"I'm not strong enough for this." Elliot's voice broke off into a sob. "I can't live without them. I can't."

"You can." Cragen said. "I'm not saying it's going to be easy. It's not. It's going to be hard, and painful, and you're probably going to think about putting that gun under your chin a lot more, but you can make it through this."

"What if I don't want to make it through this? What if I don't want to live without them?"

Cragen paused. "What would they want? Kathy, Maureen and Kathleen. What would they want you to do?"

His chest began to shake with sobs. "I don't know."

"Don't give me that, Elliot. You know damn right well what they would want you to do. They would want you to keep going. To get better. They loved you just as much as you loved them, and they wouldn't want to see you like this, sitting on the roof of the precinct, about to blow your brains out."

"My kids…" He whispered painfully.

"Elliot… please give me the gun. Everything is going to be okay, just give me the gun."

Elliot lowered the gun slowly, and the captain took it from him. "That's it. You're okay. You're going to be okay."

The detective shook his head.

"I'm sorry, Elliot. This is my fault; I knew you weren't ready to go back in the field, but I let you anyway. It was a mistake."

Elliot shook his head. "I wanted to. I thought I could handle it. I guess I was wrong."

Cragen reached out, and squeezed Elliot's shoulder. "It's alright, son. You'll get back in the game. You just have to give it some time."

"I don't even want to live anymore." Elliot whispered. "You think I still want to be a detective?"

Cragen shrugged. "Well, you're not going to kill yourself. You need something to occupy your time and pay the bills."

"I thought it would help." Elliot stared up at Cragen. "I thought it would take my mind off of things."

"Nothing is going to take your mind off of things, Elliot. I hate to tell you this, because I wish there was something, but that's just not the case. You're going to have to push through the pain, you're going to have to accept it, and grieve, and try your best to move on."

"What if I can't?"

"I know you can. It's just going to take some time. Just give yourself some time."

* * *

ONE YEAR LATER…

Elliot got out of his car, and slammed the door shut. A cigarette poked out of his mouth, and sunglasses covered his eternally dark and tired eyes. A frown was painted on his messily bearded face. He flicked the white stick onto the pavement and stepped on it before walking into the precinct.

He had walked into the bullpen and was just about to sit down when Cragen poked his head out of his office.

"Elliot, can I have a word?"

"What is it?" Elliot asked, taking off his sunglasses as he walked into the captain's office.

"You're getting a new partner." Cragen said. "We just got a newly promoted officer."

Elliot shook his head. "No thanks, Cap. It would probably be better for me to just fly solo."

"That wasn't a suggestion, Detective. Everyone else in this unit has a partner, you will, too."

"Fine, you know as well as I do that he's probably not going to last a week in here. What kind of dumb rookie you sticking me with this time?"

"Turn around and you'll see her."

_Her? _

Elliot spun around, and saw a woman sitting in the corner. She was about his age, with auburn hair and brown eyes. Her arms were crossed over his chest and her gaze bore a hole right through him.

"Dumb rookie? Really?"

She stood, and gave him a once over. His clothes were a bit rumpled, like he'd washed them and hung them but hadn't ironed them. It looked like he hadn't given his short, messy beard a trim in a long while.

"Elliot Stabler, meet Olivia Benson."


	5. Chapter 5

A/N: I want to thank **skyesmommy**, **The Congressman**, **Roanie123** and **Sam 'Dimples' Swarek** for their kind reviews. I want to especially thank **skyesmommy** and **The Congressman**, who have been with me since the beginning of this whole thing and have left their comments throughout. It means so much to me that people have stuck it out this far!

As for the rest of the story, I can promise that I'm trying my absolute best to make it several times better than the original version. **Please let me know in a review** if I am succeeding! Once again, thank you to all of my readers, reviewers and long time supporters. You guys are the reason I post on this site at all.

-Stabson

* * *

Olivia Benson was ecstatic when her transfer to Manhattan Special Victims Unit went through. She had been waiting her whole career for this moment; she couldn't wait to get started. That is, until she met her new partner. She hadn't really been worried about the partner that she would be assigned; after all, SVU detectives were supposed to be more receptive and open-minded.

Then she met Elliot Stabler, and those thoughts went out the window. She hadn't known the man for long, but from what she saw, he seemed just like the most ignorant beat cop she'd known before transferring.

_How in the hell did he end up in Special Victims Unit?_

Stabler pulled into the hospital parking lot, parked, and as soon as they got out of the car, lit up a cigarette. Olivia rolled her eyes.

"What?"

She wasn't going to say anything. But since he called her out, she would give him a piece of her mind.

"You know those things can kill you, right? And what, you just lit up, you're going to make that victim wait even longer for us to get up there?"

Stabler frowned deeply, and took two steps towards her. He took the smoking cigarette out of his mouth. "I know how to do my job. I don't need your input."

He continued walking, and Olivia shook her head.

_And here I thought I would actually get a professional partner. _

Once they reached the door, Stabler took one last puff on the cigarette and dropped it into the ashtray as they walked in.

"Elliot!" A woman jogged up to him. "Hey, how are you doing?"

Olivia frowned slightly at the warm greeting that the nurse gave him. What medal did _she_ have to win to gain his respect?

"Hey, Jen." He said. "I'm doing alright."

The woman pat him on the arm, and smiled at him. "That's good. Ever since…"

Stabler cleared his throat, stopping Jen from speaking. Noticing Olivia for the first time, the nurse backed off. "Well, it's nice to see you again. Take care of yourself, okay? Call me anytime."

"I will." Stabler said, and they walked away.

Olivia shook her head, slightly put off by the nurse's behavior. Clearly she saw something that Olivia didn't, and Stabler seemed like he was trying awfully hard to keep it that way.

* * *

Elliot walked out of the hospital, and immediately reached for his cigarettes. Not very many cases affected him so severely anymore, but this one… he shook his head violently.

It had been a teenage girl. Raped, beaten and killed right in front of her father. Elliot thought what happened to him was bad.

_To see that happen to your own daughter… Jesus. _

"Let's go." Olivia said as they reached the sedan.

He was tired. Tired, sad, angry, and he didn't even know what else, so he really didn't need some rookie prodding him along.

_This is why I work alone._

"Stabler." She said, pulling him out of his thoughts.

"Relax." Elliot snapped. "The perp isn't going disappear in ten seconds."

He was like a volcano; if he didn't relax, he was going to erupt. He ran both hands through his hair, balancing the cigarette between his lips.

"Alright, listen, Stabler." Olivia said, approaching him. "You don't have to like me, frankly, I don't care if you do or not. But I sure as hell expect you to respect me."

"Get in the car." Elliot said. "Let's go."

"Did you hear what I said?"

The detective was silent for a moment. "Oh, I heard what you said."

"I have no problem reporting you, Detective."

"You do what you have to do, Benson." Elliot got into the driver's seat, and started the car.

The ride back to the precinct was silent and awkward, leaving them both to their thoughts. Elliot was finally able to calm himself, getting back to his hard shell. He wondered if Benson was serious about reporting him... she sounded serious.

He took a deep breath. The job was the only thing he had left. If he lost it… he didn't even know what he would do.

* * *

Later that night, Elliot was the only one left in the precinct. Most of the lights were already off, barring the small lamp on his desk. He was focused on the paperwork in front of him.

"You going to go home some time tonight?" Cragen dragged a chair over to Elliot's desk, and sat down.

"Why bother?" Elliot muttered, writing furiously.

"You need to eat at some point. Not to mention sleep."

"You know I don't do much of either these days."

"You're going to kill yourself if you keep going like this." Cragen said. "Elliot, you need to start taking care of yourself."

Elliot dropped the sheet of paperwork into the bin on the left side of his desk, and started in on the next one. "Listen, Cap'n, I appreciate the concern, but I'm fine. I'm getting my work done."

"Alright." Cragen stood up. "Just do me a favor and try to give your new partner a chance."

"She's a piece of work." He said.

"Yeah, just like you." Cragen said. "Goodnight, Elliot."

Elliot stared at the captain walked back into his office, and shook his head, throwing his pen into the cup on the desk. He stood, grabbed his jacket, and got the hell out of there.

On the way home, he stopped at the gas station to pick up a few packs of cigarettes and a six-pack of beer. He had two beers and a cigarette before bed, but couldn't sleep. He wasn't surprised. Just like he had told Cragen; he wasn't sleeping much these days.

He turned on the TV, set it on a news channel, and laid back, reaching for a cigarette on his bedside table.

* * *

The next morning, Elliot jolted awake from a nightmare just before the sun rose. He sighed, and scrubbed his face with his hands.

_No use sitting here and wallowing. _

He got out of bed, showered, dressed and headed to the precinct. Like usual, he was one of the first ones in the squad room. He pulled out case files, and started to work.

"Morning, Elliot." Munch greeted as he walked by the detective's desk.

Elliot grunted in response, scribbling on his case file.

Twenty minutes later, Olivia sat down across from him without a greeting. She opened her own files, and started working.

After about a half hour of silent work, Olivia dropped her pen and looked up at Elliot. "Have we gotten any leads on the case, or are we just going to sit here and look at paperwork all day?"

"Nope." He didn't even look up from his work.

"Do you even care?"

Elliot's head snapped up. "Excuse me?"

"Do you have any interest in closing this case?"

Fire rose in his chest. He pointed at Olivia with his pen. "You know absolutely nothing about me, Benson. Don't you dare assume how I feel about anything."

"Well maybe you should start showing it."

Elliot jumped to his feet, and stormed into the captain's office.

"Elliot?"

"You're crazy if you think I'm going to partner with Benson." Elliot snapped, crossing his arms over his chest.

"You better watch what you say, Detective. I'm still your commanding officer and you need to show me a little respect."

Elliot took a deep breath, calming himself down. "I want a different partner. Pair me with Munch, Fin, I don't care, I just can't be partners with Benson."

"I put you and Benson together, and that's how it's going to be. You're going to have to accept that, understood?"

Elliot didn't answer right away.

"Let me make this simple for you. You can either get right with that, or go home."

"Fine. Don't expect it to work out."

"What are you going to do, Elliot, drive another partner out of SVU?" Cragen asked. "You know, this whole routine is getting pretty old. If you can't be a team player, you're not going to be around here for much longer. Don't make me do that, because I really don't want to."

Elliot got up, and headed towards the door of the office. His head was starting to pound; he didn't think he could deal with this for much longer.

"Elliot."

The detective turned around.

The captain took a deep breath. "If you're hurting… you need to talk to somebody. It doesn't have to be me, it doesn't even have to be anyone in the department."

"I'm not hurting." Elliot said. "I'm angry. You want to know what she said to me? She asked if I even cared about the victim and if I had any interest in closing the case. That bastard killed Sam Turner's daughter _right under his nose_ and she thinks I don't care. She thinks I don't care!"

He paced the floor, running his hand through his hair. What he wouldn't give for a beer or a cigarette.

"You _know_ that I care. I fucking care."

"Elliot." Cragen said, standing. He walked around the desk, and stood in front of the detective. "Listen to me. _I_ know you care. But she doesn't; she's only known you for two days. Why don't you start acting like you care, and maybe she'll believe that you do."

Elliot shook his head, placing his hands on his hips.

"You've done this to every single one of the partners I've assigned you. You've even done it to John, Fin and me. It's time for it to end."

"You know what, I don't need her to know anything. It doesn't matter anyway; she'll probably be gone in a week. Or less, especially with this case."

Understanding flashed in the captain's eyes. "I should have known what this was about. If you can't handle this case, if you don't want it, you let me know now."

"This has nothing to do with the case and everything to do with this fireball you've saddled me with."

Cragen pursed his lips, and walked back around the desk, taking a seat. "Go home, Elliot. Go to the cemetery, do whatever you have to do, I just don't want to see you until tomorrow."

"Are you kidding me? I've done nothing, and I'm the one being punished?"

"I'm not trying to punish you. This case is just going to cause more unnecessary pain, I don't want to see you go through that."

"Well, isn't that my choice?"

"Not with this case. Please take care of yourself."

"So, what, I'm off the case?"

"I have to think about that. But, just so you know, if I _do_ take you off, it's only for your benefit."

Elliot walked out of the office, and felt Benson's eyes on him as he grabbed his jacket.

"Where are you going?"

"Home."

* * *

He didn't go home. Instead, he found himself standing in the cemetery in front of Maureen's grave, hands clasped tightly in front of him. "If you had to die… I'm just glad you didn't suffer."

He took a shaking breath, trying to keep the tears at bay.

"I'm sorry."

He walked up to the headstone, leaned down, and pressed a kiss to the stone. A single tear slipped down his cheek as he left.

He didn't know what to do with himself after he left the cemetery. He drove around Queens for an hour, wondering what in the world he was going to do.

Finally, after draining a quarter of his gas tank, he left Queens and headed back to his apartment in Manhattan. After everything that had happened, he couldn't stay at the house. He sold it as quickly as he could, probably taking less than he should have for it, and got himself a small apartment in the heart of the city.

Dropping his keys onto the counter, he looked around the apartment. All of the lights were off, the shades were down, and it was completely silent. When he opened the fridge, all's he saw was a few Chinese takeout boxes, cold cuts and two cases of beer.

He took out the bag of roast beef and a bottle of beer. After eating a few slices, he took his beer and looked out the window. There was barely a cloud in the sky.

_"Daddy!" Maureen jumped up from her seat at the picnic table, and ran towards Elliot, who was dressed in his navy blue police uniform. _

_ Elliot lifted her into his arms, smiling widely. "Hi, Mo!"_

_ He walked over to the table, kissed Kathy and Kathleen, who was no more than a toddler, and set Maureen down on the bench. _

_ "Hi." Kathy said. "How was work?"_

_ "Did you catch any bad guys, Daddy?" Maureen asked. _

_ Elliot took the plate of food from Kathy, and smiled at his daughter. "Yes, I did. I caught a couple of bad guys. How was school?"_

_ "It was good! Mrs. Michaels taught us subtraction today!"_

Tears ran down Elliot's face. His throat hurt from trying to keep the sobs at bay. Suddenly, he knew what he was going to do for the rest of the night. He gulped down the rest of his beer, and walked into the kitchen for another one.

* * *

"Have a nice vacation day?" Olivia asked when Elliot walked into the precinct the next morning.

"I'm really not in the mood, Benson." Elliot took of his jacket, set it on the back of his chair and sat down. "What's the word on the case?"

"Well, I interviewed Tim Lee at the hospital again. He told me that he noticed a man following him a few days before the attack. I'm about to go to CSU to see if it was caught on camera."

"Let's go, then." Elliot said, standing. He grabbed his jacket, and headed towards the elevator. Olivia had to jog to catch up with him. He stood with his arms crossed, staring at the floor, thinking about the pounding headache that hadn't gone away since he'd woken up.

Olivia stared at Elliot for a moment. There were bags under his eyes, they were a bit bloodshot and, like always, his clothes were rumpled. She shook her head. It didn't take a rocket scientist to know what he had been doing the night before.

_Figures I would get stuck with a drunk as my first partner. _

"What do you have for us?" Elliot asked as they walked into the crime lab.

Morales looked up from the computer. "Lee's work sent over security footage. There's something you should see."

The tape started rolling, and Elliot watched as people walked down the sidewalk.

"There he is." Olivia pointed at a man several yards behind Tim. He was dressed in dark clothing with a baseball cap covering part of his face. Elliot leaned towards the computer monitor, looking over the suspect. No logos, no nametags, nothing that would identify the suspect. He sighed. "Is there any way you can blow that up?"

Morales nodded. "No problem."

Elliot watched as the picture zoomed into the man's face. By the time it was cleaned up, they had a decent picture of the suspect. Elliot took the picture that the lab tech printed out, and handed the other one to Olivia.

* * *

"Do you recognize this man?" Olivia asked as she held out the picture for Mr. Lee to look at. He was still in the hospital; the injuries that the perpetrator had inflicted on him insured he would be there for at least another few days.

Lee nodded. "That's the man I saw following me a few days before the attack."

"Did you see this man following you more than once?" Elliot asked.

"I think so… maybe two or three times. I didn't really pay very much attention, I just thought it was a coincidence." Tears formed in the man's eyes. "D-do you think this is the bastard that killed my little girl?"

Olivia bit her lip, hesitating. "We think there may be a connection."

The man broke down into tears. "I should have paid more attention. I-I should have done something. It's my fault she's dead."

_ "I d-don't want t-to die."_

Elliot swallowed the lump in his throat as his world started to spin.

_"I'm so tired, Daddy. Can I sleep now?"_

_ I can't stay in here._

Elliot slipped out of the hospital room, and took a few steps down the hall, trying his best to regain his composure.

He took a deep breath, and scrubbed his face with his hands, wishing he could scrub the memories away as well. Whoever said that it was better to have loved and lost than never to have loved at all could shove it.


	6. Chapter 6

A/N: I have the next few chapters written already, so I decided to update pretty quick. Here you go!

* * *

"So, what, you're not even sticking around for interviews?" Olivia asked as she left Lee's hospital room.

"If you have a problem with the way I work, you take it up with Captain Cragen. Otherwise, why don't you stay focused on the case at hand?"

"Oh, I'm not like you. I'm actually trying to find the bastard that raped and murdered that man's daughter."

Fire rose in his chest, but he swallowed it back. He was trying his best to keep his feelings separate from the case, but it was becoming more and more difficult. He just hoped he could make it through before he couldn't stand it anymore.

* * *

"Captain?" Olivia asked, standing in the doorway of the office.

"What can I do for you, Olivia?" Cragen asked, looking up from his desk.

Olivia took a deep breath, and entered the office, closing the door behind her. "I have to talk to you about Detective Stabler."

Cragen looked up at Olivia, concern swimming in his eyes. "What about Detective Stabler?"

"I'd like a new partner." She said. "I know I've only been here for a few days, but I can't be partnered with Detective Stabler."

"What happened?"

"He's not treating me with respect, he left work early yesterday and he walked out on an interview today. He's unprofessional."

_You did a good job with this one, Elliot. Not only does she think you're an ass, she also thinks you don't do your job properly. _

"Elliot Stabler is a good detective. He's just going through a few personal issues right now that I really can't talk about. Please give him another chance. Be patient with him."

Olivia ran a hand through her hair, sighing. "I don't really have a choice, do I? I'm just letting you know now, there's not much more I'll be able to let slide before I file an official complaint."

"I'll speak with him."

As soon as Olivia left his office, he closed his eyes for a moment, pain welling in his chest. He dropped his face into his hand.

_What am I going to do with you, Elliot? _

He couldn't fire Elliot; that wasn't even an option. If he lost this job, there would be nothing left for him and no one to keep him from completely going off the rails. Cragen was terrified that Elliot would end up with his gun under his chin somewhere again, and he wouldn't be there to stop the detective from actually ending it this time.

He walked to the doorway, and called Elliot into his office.

"Olivia is threatening to file an official complaint against you." Cragen said, sitting down at his desk.

Elliot dropped into the chair across from him. "Is she?"

"I know why you left that interview early, Elliot, and I'm not blaming you. I understand, but I'm taking you off the case."

"Don't."

"I'm sorry, Elliot. It's a conflict, you're just causing yourself more unnecessary pain."

Elliot leaned in. "I know I'm not showing it too much, but I need this case. There was… nothing I could do for my girls, no one to collar, no one to put the blame on. But this man… this man _witnessed _his own daughter suffer. I-I need to catch the guy. It may not make any sense, but I need to."

"You need to show some more professionalism around this office." Cragen said gently. "I know you're hurting; I know you're so deep into this hole that you think you can never get out. There's only one way to get out, and that's to get yourself out. I'm here for you to talk to, but you need to put the effort in."

Elliot stood, and paced the office for a long, silent moment. "In terms of my new partner… I really don't have a choice, do I? I'll try to be civil."

"And your… other issues?"

Elliot shook his head as he dropped back into the chair. "You know as well as I do that those are never going to go away. The best I can offer is being civil."

Cragen pursed his lips. "So you're just going to accept that you're going to suffer for the rest of your life?"

"I guess the only thing I can hope for is a short life."

Cragen was silent. Elliot started to get up, but the captain's voice stopped him. "Elliot."

"Yeah."

The captain took a deep breath, avoiding eye contact with his detective. "I'd like you to give me your gun."

"Excuse me?"

"I'm not suspending you, I'm not taking your badge. I would just like you to give me your gun. I'll give it back when you go out in the field."

"You know, if I wanted to kill myself, there are plenty of other ways to do it."

"I know." The captain said. "Just give me some peace of mind, will you?"

Elliot dropped his weapon onto the desk, and fled the office without so much as a second glance.

"We have a lead on our suspect." Olivia said as he walked back over to his desk. "Let's go."

Elliot grabbed his jacket and followed her out of the bullpen. "Who is it?"

"Jack Stahl, 32 years old. He's been convicted of assault in the first degree, rape and burglary."

She waited for a response, but it never came. He simply handed her the keys and got into the passenger seat.

_Not exactly the response I wanted, but I guess it's nothing I can complain about._

* * *

Elliot banged on the door of Stahl's apartment. "Jack Stahl! Police, open the door!"

He pressed his ear to the door, listening for movement. Once he heard banging and shuffling inside the apartment, he stepped back, kicked the door down, and rushed inside.

Stahl was climbing out of his window as the two detectives rushed inside. Elliot climbed out onto the fire escape, and climbed down the ladder. When he reached the bottom, he sprinted after Stahl.

His heart pounded. He turned left, chased Stahl down an alley, forced his legs to move faster. There was no way he was letting this piece of shit go. He dove, wrapped his arms around the fleeing man, and brought him to the ground. Stahl turned, tried to throw a punch at Elliot, but the detective was too fast. Red clouded his vision. He pictured the teenage girl that Stahl had tortured, the look on Tim Lee's face whenever the detectives asked him questions, and imagined how much pain the father must be in. He sent two quick jabs to the man's face, drawing blood, and was about to send a third when Olivia caught up to them.

"Stabler!" She shouted. "He's down!"

He glanced up at her, and got off of their suspect before cuffing him and reading him his rights.

* * *

"Ready to go?" Cragen asked as Elliot and Olivia walked into the pit in front of Interview Room 2.

Elliot stared at Stahl through the glass. Cragen saw the fire in his eyes. He nodded.

"Get in there, then."

"So, Mr. Stahl, care to explain why you tried to run from us?" Olivia asked.

"No, But thanks for asking." Stahl answered, looking Olivia up and down.

Elliot dropped a picture of Lee on the table. "How about this man? Know anything about him?"

"I've never seen him before."

Elliot scoffed. "Yeah, right. He identified you as the person following him for the past couple of weeks."

"Well, then, he must be mistaken. I don't know this man, so why would I follow him?"

Elliot leaned in. "So you could break into his home, rape his daughter, then kill her right in front of his eyes."

Stahl didn't even bat an eyelash. "So, I was convicted of rape, now you expect it to be me? I have never seen this man or his daughter. Too bad what happened to her, but I certainly didn't do it."

"Then you wouldn't have any problem with giving us a DNA sample." Olivia said. "Since you're innocent in all this."

"Actually, I do have a problem with it. I'm not giving you anything without a warrant."

"Forget the DNA." Elliot said. "You like an audience, right? That's why you did it in front of the girl's father. So tell me what you did."

Stahl was silent.

"Come on, Jack. Tell me what you did."

"Nothing."

Elliot snapped. Before he knew what he was doing, he had Jack pinned up against the wall and was yelling in his face. "I'm sick of the 'I'm innocent' routine, Stahl. You're going to tell me what happened and you're going to tell me now!"

Jack smirked. "You really want to know what happened? Huh? Why, you like that sort of thing? Hearing about rape, seeing rape… you participate, too?"

"No, I'd rather kick the shit out of sick fucks like you. And I've gotta tell you, I'm getting dangerously close, here."

A nasty smirk spread across Jack's face. "You're not going to do anything. Not when your job's on the line. You can't touch me."

"You think my boss would care about that? I gotta tell you, he saw what you did, and he wouldn't blame me for beating the shit out of you. Temporary insanity, brought on by the stress of trying to find an animal like you. I'd like to see that play out, what do you think?"

Fear twinkled in Stahl's eyes. Elliot had him right where he wanted him. "Benson, you think the captain's still out there, watching?" The detective turned towards his partner.

"No, I don't think so." Olivia said. "He was about to go back to his office when we came in."

"Alright, alright." Stahl said. "Since you want to know so bad, I participated. Followed that hump for a week or two, found out everything I could, then broke into the apartment while they were sleeping. I tied up the father, beat the daughter, then had a little fun with her. Want to know what that pussy father said during the whole thing? Want to know how he begged me to stop, to kill him instead?"

Elliot dropped Jack, and stepped back. "You're going to have a great time in prison, Stahl."

He left the interview room before he did something that he would really regret. Cragen stood on the other side, watching through the one-way glass.

"He flipped pretty fast." Cragen said.

"Bastard's proud of himself. He wanted to tell me, to brag about the sick things he did."

"You okay?"

"Fine." Elliot said after a moment. "I have to go see Tim Lee. Let him know the good news."

"You going to wait for your partner?" Cragen asked, watching Elliot walk out of the pit.

"Let her know for me, will you?"

And he was gone. Olivia walked out of the interview room a few minutes later. "Where's Stabler?"

"He went to go tell Lee the good news. You can meet him at the hospital. I'll have Stahl booked."

* * *

Elliot walked into Lee's hospital room, but saw nothing but an empty bed. His eyebrows furrowed; he wasn't told that he'd been released.

"Nurse." He called to the woman walking by. "Has Tim Lee been moved? He's not in here."

He saw the shock in the nurse's face. "No. He was there a few minutes ago."

_Shit. _

"How has he been doing over the past few days?" Elliot asked.

"Depressed. He doesn't eat much, doesn't talk much. I try my best to cheer him up a bit when I give him meals or check his vitals, but it doesn't ever work."

_He's going to try to kill himself. _

Elliot bolted towards the elevator. There was only one place he could think of where Tim would get the kind of privacy he wanted. It was the same place he had gone.

When he opened the door to the roof, his suspicions were confirmed. He saw Tim standing on the ledge with a thin hospital robe pulled tightly around him.

As soon as Elliot saw this, he was slammed with the memories. He swallowed. There was no way he could freeze this time. If he did, this man may end up dead.

"Tim?" He asked, walking slowly towards him.

Tim glanced at him. "I told him to kill me instead. I begged him to spare my daughter's life. He laughed at me. I wanted him to take my life; I knew that if he… if he killed my little girl, there was no way that I would want to live anymore. I-I can't do this."

"I understand." Elliot said softly, taking two more steps towards the ledge. He was only a few yards away now. "Come on, get down from there and we can talk about it together."

"I don't want to talk about it anymore. I-I can't live like this, I just want the pain to stop."

"I know how much pain you must be going through." The detective walked all the way up to the ledge, only a few feet away from Tim now. "Believe me, I do. But this is no way to end it. What about your daughter? Would she want you to do this? She loved you, she would want you to go on."

Tim turned towards Elliot. His eyes were filled with tears. "You have no idea what it's like. Don't tell me you do."

Elliot pursed his lips, and pulled out his wallet. It took him this long to realize that his hands were shaking. "I'm sorry about walking out during our last talk. The things that you were saying… they brought back some memories that I'd rather forget. I had to recompose myself."

He opened the wallet, and pulled a crumpled picture out from behind his license. He looked down at it for a moment, and then held it out for Tim to take. In it, he and Kathy were standing next to each other. His arm was wrapped around her waist, and Maureen sat in his other arm with a huge smile on her face. Kathy held Kathleen.

Tim wiped his eyes as he looked at the picture. "This is your family?"

Elliot nodded. "That's my family."

"You're lucky to have them."

"I _was _lucky to have then." Elliot corrected. "About a year ago, I got a call from my captain while I was at the hospital interviewing a victim. He told me that they had been in an accident and he would be there as soon as he could. I was a mess by the time he arrived. And then he told me. My wife, Kathy, and my youngest, Kathleen died in the crash. I met the doctor and he told me that Maureen, my oldest, was still alive, but she probably wasn't going to my it through the night."

Elliot took a deep breath, trying his best to keep himself together. "I went into her room, and as soon as I saw her, I knew that, as much as I prayed, as much as I begged God to spare her, there was no way I could save her. I sat on her bed, held her in my arms, and… that's how she died."

"I'm sorry." Tim said, handing Elliot the picture.

"No parent should have to lose their child." Elliot said. "It's the worst pain imaginable. But this is no way to end it, Tim. Please get down from there."

"Does the pain ever get any better?" Tim whispered.

He couldn't tell the man the truth. If he did, there was no question that he would jump to his death. "Yes."

Tim turned completely towards the detective. "How long does it take? Right now, it feels like… like it will never get any better."

"I know." Elliot said. "I was there, I know exactly how you feel. It takes a while… but it'll happen."

"Has it happened to you?"

Elliot smiled weakly at him. And again, he lied. "It has started to."

He held out his hand. "C'mon. Get down from there and we can do this together, huh?"

Tim stared at Elliot's hand for a long moment, and then took it. Elliot took a sigh of relief as he helped the man down from the ledge.

_Thank God. _

He held Tim's arm as they walked towards the stairwell. When he saw that the door was open, though, he froze.

Detective Benson stood in the doorway, and judging from the look on her face, she had heard everything.

* * *

A/N: Please leave a comment and let me know what you think!


	7. Chapter 7

_"My wife, Kathy, and my youngest, Kathleen died in the crash."_

_ "There was no way I could save Maureen. I sat on her bed, held her in my arms, and… that's how she died."_

Olivia sat in the car next to Elliot as they drove back to the precinct. He hadn't said a word to her since he saw her up on the roof.

_Is it true? Did he really lose his family? _

_ He wouldn't lie about something like that… would he? _

"Elliot…" It was the first time she called him by his first name.

She watched him as he cringed, and kept silent.

"Listen, maybe we should talk-

"Nothing to talk about." He said, pulling into his parking lot in front of the precinct. "We're here."

He jumped out of the car, and strode towards the door, fumbling with his pack of cigarettes as he went. Olivia sighed, running her hand through her hair.

_I'm going to have to have another talk with the captain. _

She got out of the car, and headed towards the entrance of the building.

"I'll meet you inside, then." She said as she passed Elliot.

* * *

Elliot left at six o'clock that afternoon. After peaking his head into the captain's office for a moment, he grabbed his jacket, one of the files on his desk, and left without saying a word to her.

Later, when the bullpen was half empty, she walked into the captain's office and closed the door behind her.

"Captain?" She asked. "I need to talk to you about something."

"What can I do for you, Detective?" He asked, gesturing towards the chair in front of him.

"It's about my partner." She began, wondering how to proceed. "I heard him say a few things to our victim this afternoon, and… I was just wondering…"

"If they were true?" Cragen finished.

Olivia bit her lip. "Well, yes. I mean… I don't think he would lie about something like that, especially with a victim, but... I just wanted to get the full story. I don't think it's fair for me to treat him the way I have been without knowing all of the facts."

Cragen pursed his lips. "There's something you need to understand about Elliot, Olivia. The way he's been acting towards you… it's not because he doesn't like you. In fact, I don't think he has feelings about you one way or the other. He pushes people away because he's afraid."

"Because of what happened to his family." Olivia said.

"How much do you know?"

"Just that his wife and two daughters died."

Cragen stood, and walked past Olivia. She got up, and watched him from the doorway as he opened the bottom drawer of Elliot's desk. He returned with a framed photograph, and handed it to her.

He pointed to each of the women in the photo as he said their names. "Kathy. Maureen. Kathleen."

Olivia stared at the man in the picture. He looked like a completely different person. He was clean shaven, his eyes were wide and sparkling, and she could see the happiness radiating off of him, even if it was just a photograph.

She bit her lip. Everything was starting to make sense… Elliot wasn't just a detective with a chip on his shoulder. He didn't think he was better than her. He was a grieving husband and father that just couldn't let go. She didn't blame him for that.

"Jesus." She whispered. "The way I treated him…"

"That's the way he wanted you to treat him."

"Why would he want that?"

"I've been trying to figure that out for a long time." Cragen sighed. "I just don't want you to think so badly of him. He's going through a really rough time, I think you can see that now."

Olivia nodded. "I see it."

* * *

Elliot dreaded going to work the next morning. Correction: he dreaded seeing his partner the next morning.

_Maybe she didn't hear that much. Maybe I can lie my way out of this one. _

_ I doubt it. She was there the whole time; she knows everything. Otherwise, she wouldn't have been looking at me the way she was._

He arrived at the precinct before she did. When she did walk into the bullpen, she didn't mention anything about what she heard the day before. They got right to work, and by the time five o'clock rolled around, they caught two more cases, both rape victims.

"Hey, I need to talk to you." Olivia said just after the clock ticked passed six.

Elliot didn't even look up from his paperwork. "Little busy right now."

"It's important." She said. "You can take a few minutes to talk to me."

"You think a rape victim is less important than a little chat?"

Olivia looked down at the paperwork that sat on the top of Elliot's desk. "I don't think that at all. But you're not working on a rape case, you're filling out paperwork on the one we just closed."

_Shit, she caught me. _

"It's only going to be a few minutes. Please."

Elliot sighed, and stood. "Alright. But not here."

He didn't know what possessed him to say yes to this woman. After all, he knew exactly what she was going to say. She was going to tell him that she knew everything and she understood how he felt. Even though she didn't.

They walked out of the bullpen and down the hallway a ways, away from curious ears. "Listen, I think we should talk about what happened yesterday. On the roof of the hospital."

"I stopped a man from committing suicide." Elliot said. "I don't know what you think you heard, but that's it."

Olivia took a deep breath. "I heard everything. I spoke with Cragen. I know it wasn't my place, and I'm sorry, I just needed to understand."

"Well, congratulations, now you know. Keep it to yourself." Elliot said, and turned to walk away.

_Thanks, Cragen. How could I expect you to keep my personal life private?_

_That look in her eyes... that's exactly what I __didn't_ _want._

"Wait." Olivia grabbed his arm.

"What do you want from me now, a detailed account? If you heard everything I said up on that roof, you should already have that." Elliot snapped.

"I know you don't want to talk about it." Olivia said. "Hell, I know you don't even want me to know about it. I'm sorry if I breached your trust by going to Cragen, if I even had any of your trust in the first place. But I just want you to know that, even if we got off to a pretty rocky start, I'm your partner and I'm here for you."

She released his arm, and before she could even blink, he was halfway back down the hall.

_Great, that went well. _

"You know, she's only trying to help." Cragen stood next to the door of his office, arms crossed, as Elliot walked by.

"Yeah?" Elliot approached him. "Well, I didn't ask for her help."

Cragen pulled the detective into his office, and closed the door. "Really? You sure as hell need _someone's_."

Elliot sat down. "Well, what if I don't want help?" He mumbled, staring down at the floor. He hadn't been fine before, not even close, but it was much easier to be the asshole than have everyone feel sorry for him. That's what Olivia was… he could see the pity in her eyes when she spoke to him. She had been _nice_ to him. He didn't want it, didn't deserve it, and couldn't stand it.

"When I told Olivia, she felt horrible." Cragen said gently. "She deserved to know the truth, and you deserve a friend. You're a good man, and a good detective. I don't want to lose you. And make no mistake, if you keep going down this path, I will lose you."

"She pitied me. You pity me. I can't stand it." The last part came out in a whisper. "I don't deserve it."

Cragen's heart broke. _He lost his family in an accident, and he thinks he doesn't deserve a friend?_

"Listen to me. What happened to your wife and daughters was a tragedy. One that you_ couldn't have prevented. _You've been beating yourself up for long enough, son. It's time to let yourself off the hook."

"You think I haven't tried doing that? You think I _enjoy_ being... like _this_?" Elliot snorted, but the charade quickly fell, and Cragen saw the deep sorrow in his eyes. "I don't. But... the alternative…"

"It scares you." Cragen realized. "Why?"

"Doesn't matter." Elliot mumbled, standing. "See you tomorrow."

"Elliot, wait."

The detective turned as Cragen took a business card on his desk. "You really want to change, to feel better? Call her."

Elliot stared at the card in Cragen's outstretched hand, debating whether he should take it or not.

"I don't want to see a shrink. You know that."

_I've told you before._

"Alright, let me ask you something." Cragen set the card down on the desk. "How did you feel when you talked Tim off that roof?"

Elliot shrugged. "Better."

"Really? Why?"

Elliot shrugged. "Saved a life."

"That's not the only reason."

"I… I thought that he could get better. I-if he didn't want to die, then… there was a chance for him."

"Why is it so different for you? You told me you don't like how things are going right now, so what's stopping you from changing and getting better, too?"

Elliot stood in front of the desk for a long moment, simply staring at the card on the desk. Finally, he took it and turned to leave. "See you tomorrow."

An hour later, he sat on the couch, balancing a cigarette between his lips. He held the card in both hands in front of him.

_She's going to make me relive every painful moment and everything that has happened. Do I really want to go through that, just because she _may _be able to help? Do I even deserve help? _

_ Maybe she can help me stop hating myself so much. _

Elliot reached for his cellphone, and dialed the number slowly. His finger hovered over the 'call' button.

_Maybe Cragen and Benson are right. Maybe I do deserve some help. _

_ But what if it doesn't work? At least with the asshole routine, I won't have to deal with any more pain than I've already got._

He set his cigarette in the ashtray, and stabbed the 'call' button with his thumb without even thinking.

"Doctor Reilly, how can I help you?"

"Yeah, um… my name is Elliot Stabler. I'd like to make an appointment."

"Mr. Stabler! Captain Cragen told me you may be calling. It's good to hear from you, when would you like to schedule your appointment?"

"Whenever you have an opening, I guess." Elliot mumbled, utterly embarrassed at what he was doing. He knew that he shouldn't be, but he simply couldn't help it.

"Well, I have one tomorrow for five in the evening. How does that sound for you?"

"Oh, um… that's a little soon, isn't it?"

"The sooner the better, Mr. Stabler. I'll write you in for five o'clock, alright?"

Elliot took a deep breath. "Okay. See you then."

When he hung up the phone, he grabbed his cigarette and fell back against the couch, sighing heavily.

"I can't believe I'm actually doing this."

* * *

A/N: Thanks for reading! Please let me know what you think in a review! All feedback is greatly appreciated.


	8. Chapter 8

"Welcome, Detective Stabler." Doctor Reilly said as Elliot walked into her office. "May I call you Elliot?"

"Sure." He answered, taking a seat on the couch.

"Excellent. Now, I don't want you to feel nervous or embarrassed. Just remember that I'm here to help, not to judge. Do you think you can do that?"

Elliot took a deep breath. "I can try."

_What the hell have I gotten myself into?_

"Good. That's all I can ask for. Now, why don't you tell me a little bit about yourself?"

"You talked to Cragen, right?" Elliot asked. "Didn't he already tell you about me?"

"Yes." Reilly answered. "But I'd like to hear it from you."

"Okay. Well, um… I'm a detective for the Manhattan Special Victim's Unit. I've been a cop for about ten years. I live in Manhattan."

"And why are you here?"

Elliot frowned, and his gaze flickered down to his hands. "You should already know that."

"One of the most important steps of recovering from what you're going through is admittance. How can you expect to get better if you won't even admit why you have a problem?"

_Just say it. They're just words. You told Tim Lee, how is this any different? _

_ It's just different. He was about to commit suicide. _

"I know it must be painful to say out loud."

"I'm here because…" Elliot swallowed. "My wife and two daughters were killed about a year ago."

"Why did you wait so long to talk to someone?"

"I didn't want help."

"Why not?"

Elliot shrugged. "I just didn't. I thought I could handle it on my own. Clearly that wasn't the case."

"Captain Cragen told me he thinks you're depressed. What do you think about that?"

_Of course he did. _

"Obviously there's something wrong with me. Otherwise, I wouldn't be here."

"I'm going to ask you a very personal question. I need you to be completely honest when you answer it. Do you think you can do that?"

He looked back up at the doctor, suddenly feeling very nervous. "Depends on what it is."

"Do you ever think of suicide?"

Elliot stood slowly, and walked to the window. Outside, the sky was clear. The sun was just starting to go down, and the street below was clogged with traffic.

_Wow, she jumped right in on that one. _

"Elliot?"

"I don't want to talk about that."

"Like I said, I'm not here to judge. I just want to know what's going on in that head."

"I'm not going to commit suicide." Elliot said, turning towards her. "Is that what you want to hear? I'm not going to."

"That's not what I want to hear." Reilly said. She remained on the couch, giving Elliot the space he needed. "I want to hear the truth about what you're feeling. That's the only way I'll be able to help you. After all, that's why you're here, isn't it?"

Elliot nodded, and sat back down on the couch. "Suppose so."

"Then please answer the question."

Elliot paused. "If I tell you, are you going to lock me up in some psych ward?"

"I'm not going to send you anywhere unless I truly feel like you're a danger to yourself. Does that sound fair?"

"I guess so." Elliot said. He cleared his throat, and rubbed his hands together. "I've thought about it."

"How often?"

He shrugged. "Pretty often."

"Every day?"

"Almost."

"Would you ever actually end your life, Elliot?"

He couldn't even look the doctor in his eyes. He felt like the lowest of the low.

_This is why you're here. Talk to her; tell her how you're feeling. _

"I lost the people that mattered the most to me, my new partner, who hated me two days ago, now looks at me like I'm a lost puppy, and my captain is terrified that I'm going to kill myself. Worst of all, he probably should be." Elliot sighed, scrubbing his face with his hands. "I'm just so sick of it all. I can't stop myself from thinking that… that it would be easier."

"How would it be easier?"

Elliot shrugged.

"Come on, you were doing so well. You can tell me."

"Why all these questions? This isn't helping me, it's just…"

"Just what?"

He stood once more, pacing across the room. "It's just making me feel like shit."

"It's going to get worse before it gets better. You just have to trust me."

Elliot stared at the woman for a moment before his gaze went back down to his feet. Even if he wanted to speak, he felt like his jaw was locked and his voice had been stolen. _  
_

"Elliot?"

_They would want you to talk. _

"It would be easier because I wouldn't have to deal with all of this pain all the time." Elliot finally said.

"What's keeping you from ending it, then?"

"The same reasons that are making me want to end it."

"You want to live for your family." Reilly said. She was answered with a nod. "You know, you should try to live for yourself, too. Maybe then you'll actually _want _to live."

Elliot finally looked up at her. "Live for what? They were… everything. "

"I understand that; believe me, I do. But that's what I'm going to help you with. We can figure out what you can do together, alright?"

He nodded silently.

_Yeah, right. _

"Alright. That's just about all the time we have for today." Reilly said. She wrote a few things on her notepad. "Captain Cragen told me about your partner. Before our next session, I'd like you to try to get to know her better. You need a friend, someone you can support you, and it sounds like she's willing. Do you think you can do that?"

Elliot frowned. "The only reason she's willing to even talk to me is because she feels sorry for me."

"So, give her another reason."

* * *

"Hey, Olivia." Elliot jogged to catch up with Olivia as she walked down the hall of the precinct, getting ready to go out on her lunch break.

"Yeah?"

"Listen, why don't we grab lunch together?" He asked.

"Wow, you actually want something to do with me?"

"Not really. But I figure you'll be around for a while, so I might as well pretend to like you."

Olivia chuckled as they walked into the elevator. "Yeah, that's a good idea. Maybe I'll give you a break if I think you can stand me."

They walked out of the building, and Olivia headed towards the car while Elliot headed in the opposite direction.

"Where are we going?"

"The place is only a little ways down the road." Elliot took a pack of cigarettes out of his pocket, and lit up as they walked. "Unless you want to sit in bumper to bumper traffic for a half an hour."

He blew out a puff of smoke as they walked, and flicked a piece of ash off of the end of the white stick onto the sidewalk. Olivia's eyes burned through him as he did it. He didn't have to be a detective to know what she thought about his smoking; she disdained it from day one. He wasn't sure why… it's not like they were friends, anyway.

The diner that they walked into was small, and not very busy at all. They got a table next to the window, ordered their food, and sat in silence.

Elliot knew what he wanted to say to her, but he couldn't find the words. Why did this have to be so hard?

"Listen." He began, toying with the napkin in front of him. "I know we got off on the wrong foot. It's… just been really hard for me lately. That's not really an excuse, and you really didn't deserve it…"

"Elliot." She interrupted. "I understand. You don't have to explain yourself to me."

Elliot nodded once, and turned back towards his lunch. "Thank you."

* * *

When five o'clock hit, Olivia said goodbye to him, grabbed her coat and left the bullpen.

"Are you going to leave any time soon?" Cragen asked, approaching Elliot's desk.

"Probably not." The detective answered, typing into the database on the screen of his computer. "I have to look through the video footage to see if the camera caught our suspect, and then I should go interview the victim again…"

"That can wait until tomorrow, you know." The captain said gently. "Why don't you go home and try to sleep?"

Elliot gave the captain a weak smile. "I've had one session with Reilly. That doesn't mean I can completely turn my life around."

Cragen leaned against the desk. "I know. But that doesn't mean I can't hope, does it? After all, you've got to start somewhere."

"You're right, I do have to start somewhere."

The captain nodded. "Alright. Just don't stay here all night, okay?"

"Can't promise anything."

* * *

A few hours later, Elliot finally turned off his computer and pushed his chair in. He looked around the precinct, sighing.

_I really don't want to go to that empty apartment._

Instead, he climbed the stairs to the crib, and laid down in his usual bunk. The soothing sounds of the city lulled him to sleep.

_ "Daddy!"_

_ Elliot stood on the sidewalk, frozen. Kathy, Maureen and Kathleen drove by in slow motion. He tried to move, tried to call out to them, but nothing came out. At the end, he even tried to close his eyes to keep the images out of his head, but he couldn't even do that. A speeding car blew through a stop sign, and slammed into his family's car. _

_ Finally, he could move. He ran towards the car, but before he saw the mangled mess, everything went black. _

Elliot shot up from the bed, gasping for breath. He looked around for a moment, recognized where he was, and sighed. He sat on the edge of the bunk, and dropped his face into his hands. It was the first time he'd had one of those nightmares in days... to say he wasn't prepared for it would be an understatement.

The solitary room suffocated him. _I have to get out of here. _He changed into a new button up shirt at quickly as he could, grabbed his leather jacket, and took the steps two at a time up to the roof.

He pulled on his jacket, and took a deep breath.

_"Daddy!"_

He grasped the railing, leaning over the side of the building. _I feel like I'm going to be sick._

Before he could think about heaving himself over the side of the building, his phone started to ring. "Yeah." He croaked.

_"Elliot? You sound like shit."_ Cragen said. _"You okay?"_

"Fine. Did we catch a case? I'll be down in a minute."

_"Don't bother. I'll get you the address of the crime scene."_

* * *

"What have we got?" Elliot asked Olivia as he got out of his car.

"Twenty-two to twenty-five years old female." Olivia said, turning towards the scene. "Melinda's with her now."

He squatted next to the body. The young woman was pale, still, and blood covered the side of her head. "Any sexual assault?"

"It looks like it. I won't know for sure until I get her onto the table." Melinda said, standing next to Elliot.

Elliot nodded. "I'm guessing she died from that crater in the side of her head?"

"Blunt force trauma. It looks like the victim was moved from a different location. She was killed over twelve hours ago."

"And we have no idea where the actual crime scene is." Elliot said. He shook his head, moving away from the body. "Great."

Olivia glanced at Elliot as he walked away, reaching into his jacket pocket. _For his cigarettes, most likely. _

She spoke with Melinda for a moment longer, and followed her partner to the edge of the crime scene, wondering silently if she should ask him about his behavior.

Elliot finished lighting up the cigarette, took a drag from it, and turned towards her. "They found an I.D. on her, right?"

"Yes." Olivia said. "Are you okay? You seem… off."

The detective shook his head, heading towards the sedan. "Let's just get to the address on the I.D." He muttered, flicking a piece of ash off of the end of his cigarette.

Olivia followed him to the car, and they pulled away from the scene.

"Listen, if something's bothering you-

"There's _always_ something bothering me." Elliot snapped. "Haven't you noticed that by now? Some detective you are."

_Great job, asshole. You're supposed to be making friends. _

He sighed, rubbing his hand over his face as they stopped at a red light. "I shouldn't have said that."

"It's okay. I didn't think you were going to change overnight, Elliot, and you shouldn't either." Olivia gave him a small smile. "Just give yourself some time. Be patient."

He fidgeted in his seat, feeling immensely uncomfortable with sharing his emotions with this woman that he barely knew, and that hated him only a few days earlier. "Okay."

"That doesn't sound very convincing." She said gently, nudging his shoulder. "C'mon. Maybe if you start pretending not to be miserable, you may not be for a little while."

He smiled slightly, and glanced at her. "Alright. I can't promise anything, but… I'll try."

"That's all I ask for."

* * *

A/N: Thanks for reading. Please take the time to review so I know what you guys think. I only got feedback from three people last time, and I know that there are more reading. I don't need a whole huge paragraph, just a couple of sentences or so saying what you liked, didn't like or want to see more of. It only takes a moment and it will only make the story better. :)

Stabson


	9. Chapter 9

Informing the parents of the young woman that their daughter was dead didn't help his sour mood. In fact, the encounter just made it worse. He smoked half a cigarette on his way back out to the car, and leaned against it, taking a deep breath. Olivia stood next to him, silent for a moment.

"How old was your daughter, Maureen?" She asked.

Elliot blew out a puff of smoke, and swallowed, debating on whether or not he should bother answering the question.

"Elliot?"

_What could it hurt?_

"She was ten." Elliot said finally. "Kathleen was seven."

"What did they like to do?"

Familiar pain rose in his chest. He shook his head, flicked the rest of his cigarette onto the pavement, and headed towards the door of the vehicle. "We have to go."

"Elliot." She grabbed his arm, holding him where he was. "Let me ask you something. Over the short time that I've been working with you, have I given you any reason to believe I'd try to hurt you?"

"I guess not." Elliot said after a moment.

"Any reason to believe that my motives are any different than I've said?"

"No."

"Then please, just trust me."

He stared at her for a long moment. "Maureen loved to read. She was so smart, she… she was a straight-A student. Kathleen… she loved soccer. We used to play together all the time. Whenever I had a day off during the summer, we… we went to the park, we had picnics, we…"

A lump rose in his throat. He held back the tears that had quickly crept up on him, and turned away from her. He couldn't let her see him cry.

"Elliot…" She whispered, resting her hand on his shoulder. He surprised them both when he didn't pull away from her.

A moment later, he turned towards her. His eyes were red and a tear tract ran down his face. "You really do care, don't you?"

She smiled at him, and nodded. "Yeah. I really do."

"Why?"

She shrugged. "No one should have to go through something like this alone. You're my partner; I'm supposed to have your back, aren't I?"

"Suppose so." Elliot said, scrubbing his face with his hands, getting all the tears out.

"So why don't you tell me what's on your mind?"

"It's just been on my mind a lot recently." He admitted, staring down at the cracked pavement. "Last night… was a rough night."

"Rough?"

Elliot nodded, swallowing down the agitation and the urge to push her away. She was simply trying to help.

"How rough?"

"I, uh… had a nightmare. It wasn't… wasn't pleasant."

Olivia placed a hand on his shoulder. "Do you want to talk about it?"

He shook his head. "We should get back to the station."

They got into the car, and Elliot pulled out of the hospital parking lot, heading back towards the 1-6. He felt Olivia's eyes on him for a long moment, but chose to ignore it, staring straight ahead.

"Want to grab a drink with me tonight?"

He glanced at her. "What?"

"Grab a drink with me." Olivia repeated. "You're probably going to go home and get drunk tonight, anyway, aren't you? At least let me keep you company for a little while."

Every cell in his body screamed no.

_What are you thinking? You can't possibly say yes to this. _

_ She just wants to grab a drink. We can be friends. _

_ And get hurt again? _

_ She told me herself that she wasn't trying to cause me pain. _

_ Neither were Kathy and the kids. People don't have to try to hurt you. _

_ I'm hurting anyways. _

"We'll see." Elliot said.

The answer seemed to satisfy her.

It wouldn't satisfy her later in the evening, though, when everyone was packing up to head home. She approached him as he slipped his jacket on. "So how about that drink?"

_It's a drink. What could it hurt? Worse case scenario, you sit at the bar awkwardly and leave after the first one. It's just a drink between partners. You used to do it all the time. _

"Alright, I'll have a drink with you." He said finally.

She smiled. "Great."

They drove to the bar in silence. When they got there, he ordered a beer, and took a long swig. She sat down beside him.

"So, what's up? Feel so sorry for me you had to make sure I didn't drink alone?" Elliot asked, turning to her.

"I didn't want you to drink alone." She said. "I just wanted to get to know you. You're my partner, after all."

"There's not much to know." Elliot answered. "I mean, you already know about… well, you know."

"There's a lot more to you than that, Elliot."

"How do you know that? You've known me for a couple of weeks."

Olivia shrugged. "I just know."

Elliot turned away from her, the conversation becoming entirely too personal. He sipped at his beer, staring at the top of the bar.

"Can I tell you something?" Olivia asked.

"I guess so."

The female detective took a deep breath. "There's a reason I joined the Special Victim Unit."

"What's that?" Elliot asked, turning towards her. He had to admit, his interest was peaked, especially when he saw the look on her face. It was a mix of pain and apprehension, something that he definitely was not used to.

"My mother was raped." Olivia whispered. "That's how she got pregnant with me. I never knew my father, and my mother… well, every time she saw me, I reminded her of him and what he did to her."

"She abused you."

"Physically and emotionally." Olivia said, nodding.

He tried to shove down the emotion in his chest, but it was no use. The detective and father inside of him stirred. "Olivia…"

"I didn't tell you that so you would feel bad for me, Elliot, so please don't. I've accepted it, and moved on."

"Then why did you tell me?"

Olivia shrugged. "I didn't think it was fair for you to lay your soul to bare without anything in return."

_She really does care. She really does just want to help. _

Elliot looked her over, wondering silently what he could say to that. He dealt with abused children on a daily basis, hell, he went through much of the same thing when he was a kid, but in this situation, he felt completely lost. She was the stable one, the one that had everything under control. He was supposed to be the one that was a complete wreck.

_You're not the only one that bad things have happened to. _

"I'm sorry about your mother." He said finally. "You were just a kid; you didn't deserve any of that."

"I'm sorry about your family. None of you deserved that."

Elliot shrugged, fiddling with his beer bottle. "Well, there's nothing really I can do about it."

"That's where you're wrong."

He looked up at her, eyebrows furrowed. "Unless I can somehow change the past, I don't think I am."

Olivia placed her hand over his on the bar top, and leaned in. "You can't do anything about their deaths. But there's something that you can do for yourself."

"What's that?"

"Get better, move on, and try to be happy again." Olivia said. "I didn't know them, and I'm not going to pretend that I did, but I bet they wouldn't want to see you like this."

Elliot pursed his lips, and nodded. "You're right."

Olivia stared at him for a moment, clearly thrown off. She obviously hadn't expected him to agree with her so easily. He smiled sadly at her. "I know what they would have wanted. I think about it every day. That's… why I'm still here today, why I haven't…"

She waited for him to finish, but he didn't. "Haven't what?" She asked finally.

He stared at her for a moment. "You can guess, can't you?"

_Why I haven't ended it. _

"i guess I can." She saw the sorrow in his eyes, and immediately wanted to take it away. "Tell me something else about you."

"Like what?"

"I don't know, anything. Unless, of course, you want to keep talking about this."

"I'm good." Elliot said, finishing off his drink. "Alright. I like beer."

Olivia rolled her eyes. "I think I already know that, Elliot."

"Hey, you said tell you something about me. You didn't say it had to be something you didn't already know."

Olivia nudged his shoulder, holding back the chuckle. "Come on. Seriously."

"Alright, alright." He thought for a moment. "I like football."

"Football?" Olivia repeated.

"Yup. Used to go to the Jets games whenever I got the chance. I even took Maureen to a few of them." He frowned, staring down at his bottle. "Kathleen… she was too young. I never got to take her."

"But you don't go anymore."

Elliot shrugged. "It just doesn't seem as important as it used to. I don't even watch the games on TV anymore."

Olivia nodded thoughtfully. She couldn't imagine Elliot sitting at a football game, cheering, drinking, having a good time… then again, she hadn't known him when he loved it. "You should go to another game, Elliot."

Elliot shook his head. "I dunno…"

"At least think about it."

Elliot dropped a bill on the bar, and stood. "I'll think about it. Thanks for convincing me to come out, but I should get home. See you tomorrow."

Elliot was distant again the next day. Try as she might, Olivia couldn't get him to talk about anything other than the case they were working, never mind the night before. They dropped by CSU, the morgue, conducted two interviews, and other that period of time, he said about three words to her. Finally, she had enough.

"Listen, you were pretty open last night. Are you just going to give me the cold shoulder all day today?" She asked. "What is it, Elliot?"

_I swear, this man has more mood swings than a teenage girl. _

Elliot shook his head. "Nothing. Let's just work this case, okay?"

She knew what would happen if she kept pushing him; she knew that one night would not change much, but she could always hope. "Well, we have a suspect. Let's get over to Wesley Bourisk's apartment and see what he's up to."

* * *

Elliot banged on Wesley Bourisk's apartment door for the second time, and just like before, there was no answer. He turned to Olivia, shrugging. "No one's home."

"Wait a second." Olivia said, her eyes glued to a spot on the floor. "Look, Elliot."

He looked down, and saw exactly what Olivia was staring at. "Blood."

Three small, but fresh drops of blood were just starting to set in the carpet.

"Probable cause enough." He said, taking out his gun. "Ready?"

Olivia nodded, stepping to one side of the door. Elliot kicked the door in, and hustled inside, scanning the room for threats. At the window, Bourisk was ducking through for the fire escape. Elliot ran after him. "Benson, fire escape!"

He stuck his head out the window, saw their suspect heading up the stairs, and followed. Bourisk was already two flights ahead of him, but he sprinted, quickly making up the distance. Ahead of him, Bourisk climbed onto the roof and disappeared.

When Elliot made it up to the roof, he rose his gun, and began the search. Behind him, he heard Olivia climb onto the roof. "Where is he?"

Elliot didn't answer. "Bourisk, come on out. There's nowhere to go, just come quietly and no one has to get hurt."

"Put down your guns down and I might believe you." Wesley stepped out from behind the door to the roof, handgun raised, pointed directly at Elliot.

"Neither of us are putting down out guns until you put down yours." Elliot said, taking careful aim as Olivia walked up next to him. "It's two on one. Those odds don't sound too good for you. Come on, be smart here."

"Neither of you are going to risk your partner's life, though, are you?" Wesley asked, aiming at Elliot's head. "If one of you fires, I could get off a shot before the bullet even hits me. What about those odds?"

"If you shoot him, I'll have no choice but to shoot you." Olivia said. "I know you don't want to die."

Bourisk turned his aim towards Olivia. "Oh, yeah? Well, what if I shoot you?"

"Don't even think about it." Elliot said, clenching his gun tightly. Fear and anger clenched at his heart. No one pointed a gun at his partner.

Bourisk glared at Elliot for a moment. "What, are you going to shoot me?"

Elliot watched as his finger tightened around the trigger, and he knew. _He's going to shoot. _

His body acted on its own accord. Before he even knew what was happening, his gun fell to the pavement, and he sprinted towards his partner. A gun went off. Pain shot through his chest. Another gun went off. His back was against the pavement, and a warm, sticky substance spread over his chest.

_What the hell just happened? _

Olivia caught her breath, and stared at the two bodies on the ground. _What the hell just happened? _She yelled into her radio as she scrambled to her partner. "10-13, 10-13, officer down!"

The last few moments repeated themselves in her memory. Elliot dropped his gun and ran towards her. He reached her just in time to catch the Bourisk's bullet, meant to strike her, and just as the bullet struck him, his shoulder plowed into her, sending her to the ground. She got the shot off just in time, hitting Wesley Bourisk in the chest.

"Elliot! Jesus Christ, what did you just do?" Olivia pressed both palms over the wound in an attempt to slow the blood loss.

He stared up at her, and she immediately saw pain clouding his eyes. He opened his mouth, tried to say something, but nothing came out. She watched in horror as his eyes slid shut.

* * *

A/N: Uh-oh...

Please let me know what you guys think!


	10. Chapter 10

_What the hell did I just do? _

_Saved my partner's life. And may have ended my own. _

"Elliot. Hey, come on. Open those eyes." Her palm pressed into his gunshot wound, sending waves of pain through his body.

_Jesus Christ, just let me die. _

Despite the thought, his eyes opened slowly, and he stared up at her. Her eyes were watery; she looked like she was going to cry at any moment.

"Why the hell did you do that?" She asked softly.

"You're my partner." He said simply. His breathing was growing shallow and the part of his chest where the bullet hit was starting to numb. His eyes closed once more, the exhaustion and the cold setting in. He'd been shot his fair share of times, so he knew very well what happened after, but this phase was the deepest that he'd ever felt. Maybe he'd let himself go, he mused. It technically wouldn't be suicide, would it? He saved his partner, that would save him a spot in Heaven, right? Then he would at least get to see his daughters and wife again.

"I know what you're doing, Elliot." She said. "Come on, fight this. I know you can."

He could. Problem was, he really didn't want to. What was the point, anyway? What part of this miserable life was worth fighting for?

_"Tell me something else about you."_

_"Like what?"_

_"I don't know, anything."_

_Elliot finished off his drink. "Alright. I like beer."_

_Olivia rolled her eyes. "I think I already know that, Elliot."_

_"Hey, you said tell you something about me. You didn't say it had to be something you didn't already know."_

_Olivia nudged his shoulder, holding back the chuckle. "Come on. Seriously."_

_That was one moment of happiness. Hell, it wasn't even really happiness, was it? Just a moment of not being miserable. Who's to say it will ever happen again? _

_Olivia wants it to happen again. _

_Olivia will get sick of trying to help your sorry ass, and she'll leave you just like all of your other partners did. _

"Elliot, listen to me." She leaned in close. "This doesn't have to be the end. Just keep fighting, please."

The pleading in her voice did something to him that he didn't think was possible. It made him think. Through the haze of pain and blood loss, he remembered the care she had displayed for him. He didn't realize this could have happened; he didn't think that anyone could ever make him want to live again. But that was precisely what she was doing, and he had no idea how.

_"You know, you should try to live for yourself, too. Maybe then you'll actually want to live."_

_Elliot finally looked up at her. "Live for what? They were… everything. "_

_"I understand that; believe me, I do. But that's what I'm going to help you with. We can figure it out together, alright?"_

_Maybe… just maybe…_

He groaned as Olivia pressed harder, trying her best to stop the blood. He heard sirens wailing, and knew that it was the bus, coming to try to save his life. The life that he didn't even want anymore… or so he thought. Now that he was laying on the ground, those thoughts, the thoughts of just letting himself go, the older thoughts of ending it himself, were coming into question. Did he really want this? Did he really want Olivia to witness this? He knew that she would blame herself if he did die; she would torture herself, going back and forth, thinking of every possible little thing that she could have done to prevent his death.

_It wouldn't be her fault, though. There was nothing she could have done, I jumped in front of that bullet all on my own. _

_It wasn't her fault. It isn't her fault. Maybe… maybe it wasn't _my_ fault, either._

Elliot's eyes snapped open, and he looked up at his partner.

_"How old was your daughter, Maureen?" Olivia asked. _

_"She was ten. Kathleen was seven."_

_"What did they like to do?"_

_"We have to go."_

_"Elliot, let me ask you something. Over the short time that I've been working with you, have I given you any reason to believe I'd try to hurt you?"_

_"I guess not." Elliot said after a moment._

_"Any reason to believe that my motives are any different than I've said?"_

_"No."_

_"Then please, just trust me."_

_He stared at her for a long moment. "Maureen loved to read. She was so smart, she… she was a straight-A student. Kathleen… she loved soccer. We used to play together all the time. Whenever I had a day off during the summer, we… we went to the park, we had picnics, we…"_

_"Elliot…" She whispered, resting her hand on his shoulder. _

_He turned towards her. His eyes were red and a tear tract ran down his face. "You really do care, don't you?"_

_She smiled at him, and nodded. "Yeah. I really do."_

_"Why?"_

_She shrugged. "No one should have to go through something like this alone. You're my partner; I'm supposed to have your back, aren't I?"_

Elliot reached for her hand, and squeezed as hard as he could. "Liv… I'm not going anywhere."

"That's right, you're not." She said, a single tear slipping down her face. "Just hang on for another minute."

His mind was starting to grow hazy. He felt her squeeze his hand, heard her beg him not to give up yet, and then there were more bodies around him, tending it him, moving him carefully onto a stretcher. In the ambulance, she sat over him, talking to him. He couldn't hold on anymore. His eyes closed, and he knew no more.

Much later, he came back to reality. His eyes didn't open quite yet; he tried his best to reorient himself.

_I was shot. I was shot… saving my partner. I almost died. I wanted to live. She was there, she was… talking to me._

Finally, his eyes opened slowly, and he looked around. He found himself in a hospital room, blanket tucked comfortably around him, machines beeping steadily. Captain Cragen sat beside him, looking quite exhausted as he stared straight ahead. As soon as the older man saw Elliot awake, though, his expression changed.

"Welcome back, Elliot. How are you feeling?"

"Alright." Elliot answered, wincing as pain shot through his chest. "How long was I out?"

"A few hours." Cragen said. He paused, staring at his detective for a moment. "Olivia told me what happened on that roof."

"Oh, did she?"

"Yup. How're you feeling about it?"

Elliot ran a hand through his hair, taking a deep breath. "I, uh… I'm not sure. Where _is_ my partner?"

"I sent her home to clean herself up. Almost had to pry her away from your bedside."

His heart softened slightly. "Oh, yeah?"

Cragen nodded. "She really cares about you, Elliot, and we all know that it's not because of your charming personality. Give her the benefit of the doubt, here."

"You know, I've been trying, Cap'n." The detective said, fingering the tube that connected to his I.V.

"How's that working out for you?"

Elliot shrugged. "Better than I thought, I guess."

A small smile formed on the captain's face. "Oh, really?"

He was answered with a nod. Knocking on the hospital door interrupted them, and Elliot glanced up. Olivia stood in the doorway, arms crossed over her chest. "Hey. Good to see you awake."

"Good to be awake." He answered.

Cragen pat him on the shoulder. "I'd better get back to the station. I'll be in touch, Elliot."

Olivia sat down in the chair Cragen had previously occupied, and looked her partner over for a moment. "How are you feeling?" She asked gently.

"I'm okay." He said. "Listen, I, uh… I just wanted to say thank you. For saving my life."

"I think you got that wrong." She said. "You're the one that saved _my _life when you jumped in front of that bullet."

"Liv…"

There that nickname was again. She wasn't sure where it came from, if he had just blurted it out in a moment of weakness, pain and blood loss, or if it was genuine. Now she had her answer. To be honest, she liked it. She liked it a lot.

"It wasn't just about catching that bullet or trying to stop the blood."

Olivia nodded. "I thought so. But, at any rate, thank _you _for saving _my_ life."

Elliot took a deep breath, heart pounding in his chest. He'd hadn't been this afraid in a long time; he found himself letting her in, and it was just absolutely terrifying. He had no idea what her plan was, or how long she was going to stick around, but the shooting had changed everything. He was growing attached to her, and there wasn't much he could do about it.

"Don't mention it."

* * *

A/N: Thanks for reading. Elliot/Olivia romance coming soon! Maybe even next chapter, if I get some good feedback... ;)


	11. Chapter 11

Olivia felt like utter shit. Her nose was completely blocked, her throat felt like sandpaper, her head pounded and her temperature had been 101.2 degrees when she checked it an hour before. She laid on her couch, curled up into a ball with a blanket covering her. Her condition hadn't changed much since that morning. When her alarm went off and she tried to get up and ready for work, she knew that there was no way she would be able to function like a normal human being. So she called the captain, told him she wasn't feeling well, and went right back to sleep. She only transferred to the couch about an hour ago.

There was a knock on her door, and she sighed, slipping off of the couch.

When she opened the door, her partner stood in front of her, still wearing his work suit, minus the tie. It had been a week and a half since he was released from the hospital, and she had to admit, she was surprised that he'd stayed away from the precinct for that long. Today was his first day back. "Hey, Liv. The captain told me you weren't feeling well." He held up the bag in his hand. "I brought you a few things. Can I come in?"

He obviously saw the surprise on her face, because he chuckled. "Yeah, I know, call in the press. Stabler's actually being nice."

She smiled slightly, stepping aside to let him in. "I'm not complaining."

He placed the bag on the counter, and began taking items out. She watched him set a bottle of Gatorade, box of saltines, and container of soup next to the bag. He guided her back to the couch, and set his hand against her forehead. She stared up at him for a moment, and she couldn't help but see the fatherly nature he'd adopted. It was a welcome change from his usual stoic, hardened attitude. "You're burning up."

"101.2." Olivia said.

Elliot grabbed the Gatorade from the counter, opened it, and handed it to her. "Here, drink some of this. Don't want you to get dehydrated."

"Thanks." She said, sipping at the cool beverage. Elliot nodded, slipped off his shoes and sat down next to her on the couch. He reached for the remote before she spoke again. "What are you doing?"

He looked at her, and shrugged sheepishly. "I figured I'd stick around to make sure you're okay. I can leave."

"You know, Stabler, I don't know how I fell for the asshole routine." Olivia said, smiling. "You've got a bigger heart than you let on."

Elliot glanced down at his hands, a bit of discomfort rising in his chest. He wasn't sure why, but those words just didn't sit well with him. He was sure that it wasn't because he didn't want her to feel that way, in fact, he was almost completely at peace with her knowledge of what he'd tried so hard to keep suppressed. "Well, you stayed with me after I was shot. I have to repay you, don't I?"

"El, you saved _my_ life when you jumped in front of that bullet. I was repaying you for that!"

"Well, I'm already here, and I can't leave my sick partner alone, can I?"

She shook her head, setting the Gatorade bottle on the coffee table. "I guess not."

He crossed his legs over the coffee table, and began to flip through the channels. "Besides, I'm getting really tired of being alone."

Olivia couldn't say that she wasn't surprised by the admission; it wasn't that she was shocked he was feeling lonely, but rather the fact that he would so willingly admit it. She wrapped the blanket tighter around her, staring at him for a moment. His eyes were glassy, and even when he was sitting still like he was now, she could see the resignation and the grief weighing on him. He was starting to open up to her, but that hadn't healed him. It was going to take a lot of time and work for that to happen.

He turned to her, giving her a half smile. "Anything in particular you want to watch, sickee?"

"Sickee?" She repeated. "I'm insulted. I am not a sickee."

"Then why are you laying there like you're half dead?" He fired back. "Just admit it. There's nothing wrong with being a sickee."

She grunted ingloriously, and snuggled deeper under her blanket. "I'm going to sneeze on you. Maybe that will give _you_ whatever I have."

* * *

Elliot opened his eyes slowly, and looked around. _Where am I? This isn't my apartment. _He felt something on his shoulder. It was a head, hair matted and messy. In his hazy, not fully conscious mind, he thought, _Kathy? _

_No. Kathy's gone. _

_Olivia. _

_OLIVIA. _

His heart jumped. He wanted nothing more than to get as far away from this apartment as possible, but he forced himself to calm down. _Her head is on my shoulder. Get a grip, it's not the end of the world. She's sick. She's tired. Don't wake her up because you're a fool._

Something else rose in his chest, but he forced it back down. _Absolutely not. Get it out of your head. _He swallowed the lump in his throat, and started the process of trying to get up without waking her. After their little talk, she'd grown even more miserable, complaining about a headache and being sick to her stomach. He'd given her the Saltines, and that helped only slightly; he knew what she really needed was rest. He didn't want to wake her now, after she'd finally been able to get to sleep.

He set her head gently down on the couch cushion, wrapped the blanket more comfortably around her, and the 'something' rose in his chest again. _I have to get out of here. _

Elliot scribbled a note for her, left it on the counter, and left the apartment as quick as he could.

* * *

The squad room was dimly lit and there were few detectives left mulling about. Elliot was one of them, but he wasn't working. Rather, he simply sat, sliding his pen between his fingers as he stared at the empty desk across from him.

"I'm beginning to see this scene a little too often." Cragen approached Elliot. "Your partner's still out sick, Elliot. What are you doing here so late?"

Elliot shrugged, silent for a long moment. "I was gonna go home, but… Guess I've just been thinking too much."

"About what?" Cragen asked.

Elliot set his pen down. "A lot of things."

They sat in silence for a long moment before Cragen finally spoke. "You know, you've come a long way in the last few weeks."

"I said the same thing to a rape victim the other day." Elliot said, turning his gaze to the top of the desk.

"What else did you say?"

Elliot shrugged. "You know all the lines."

"Humor me."

"It's not her fault. It could have happened to anyone. She has to accept it and try to move on from it."

"Maybe you should take your own advice."

Elliot nodded slowly. He took a deep breath, and blew it out through his lips slowly. He reached into his desk drawer, and pulled out the picture that Cragen showed Olivia when she came asking questions. He stared down at it, feeling his eyes moisten.

_"Hey, stand here and we can get a picture!" _

_Elliot had Maureen on his back. Her arms were wrapped tightly around his neck. Kathleen stood next to him while Kathy asked a stranger to take a picture. Kathy stood next to him, the camera flashed, and Elliot smiled. Things couldn't be better. _

His thumb ran over the photo, and despite the incredible pain in his chest, he smiled. The memory was one of the best that he had. One of the tears slipped down his face as he placed the photo on edge of the desk, in the same place it had rested until that day a year and a half ago. When he turned towards his captain, he saw a smile filled with pride.

Cragen squeezed his shoulder. "Goodnight, Elliot. Go home, get some rest."

Elliot nodded, standing. "Goodnight, captain."

* * *

Elliot walked into the bullpen, sipping at his coffee as he sat down at his desk. He had finally been taken off limited duty after his injury, and it was safe to say that he was glad to get back into the swing of things. Too much time to think was the exact thing that he didn't need.

Not more than ten minutes later, a man burst into the bullpen. His suit was rumpled, but Elliot could see that it was high end. If that didn't give away the man's status, the three gold rings on his hand did. "I need some help here!"

The detective stood. "I'm Detective Stabler. What can I do for you?"

"It's my daughter." The man said. Closer inspection revealed that his eyes were bloodshot and puffy. "I woke up this morning and she was gone. I found this note." He pulled a piece of paper out of his pocket and handed it to Elliot.

The detective read the note quickly, and shook his head. It looked like a standard ransom note. "Alright, can I have your name?"

"Gabriel Sandoval. My daughter's name is Isabella."

Elliot led the man into an interview room, grabbing a notepad and a pen along the way. One thing was for sure: his day was definitely going to be an interesting one.

* * *

A/N: He's may be starting to develop some feelings. But will he acknowledge them? Does she feel the same? The E/O buds are blooming! Let me know what you think!


	12. Chapter 12

A/N: I would just like to say thanks to **The Congressman**, who gave some good pointers for this chapter. Enjoy.

* * *

"Why don't you sit right here, and I'll be right back," Elliot told Gabriel as there was a knock on the window of the interview room.

Olivia stood on the other side of the glass. "What do we have?"

"Thirteen year old female, kidnapped." Elliot said softly, pinching the bridge of his nose. "The father's sitting in there."

Olivia bit her lip, trying her best to gauge his mindset. All's she could tell was that he looked tense. "You gonna be okay?"

"Fine. I just need some air." He brushed passed her, headed for the stairs that led to the roof. After everything that had happened, he figured that these cases might hit him a little less hard. That was clearly not the case… every time he heard about a case involving a child, especially a girl, his heart cracked a little. Now, not only did he feel for the poor victim, but he sympathized with the parent more than ever. It sucked.

Finishing his cigarette, he flicked it over the railing and walked back down to the bullpen with a determined stride. He had a case to solve.

"What do you have for me?" he asked as he approached Munch, Fin and Olivia, who were gathered around the whiteboard.

"CSU's heading over to the scene right now." John said.

"I'm going to join them." Elliot said. "Liv, you coming?"

"Of course." She answered as they walked out together.

"We put the note in evidence." Olivia said as they got into their sedan. "Hopefully the perp left us a decent print."

"Wouldn't that be great?" Elliot mused. "The sooner we find this girl, the better."

They sat in silence for a moment. Olivia tried to find the wording of what she wanted to say, but her brain was failing her. Finally, she just said, "These cases… they're rough."

Elliot nodded, eyes glued to the road ahead. "Yeah."

"You know, El, if you…"

"The kidnapping ones were always torture for me." He interrupted. "Since the day I joined the unit, every time I caught one I became a paranoid freak. At the beginning, I called Kathy every hour just to make sure she and the girls were safe. I was getting better, though. Right before the accident, I'd cut myself down to once or twice. Now, well…" He shrugged. "I don't have to worry about that anymore."

"I guess not." Olivia said.

"Listen, let's just focus on the case."

She nodded. "Okay."

They pulled into a parking spot next to the sidewalk, and he got out of the car, reaching for his cigarettes as he went. Olivia sighed, following him.

The apartment they walked into was more like a penthouse. The living room was about the size of Elliot's entire apartment, styled with beautiful leather furniture and a giant flat screen television. Presently, the room was filled with CSU. Presently, the room was filled with CSU techs scouring every nook and cranny for evidence.

"Hey, O'Halloran." Elliot said as the two detectives approached him. "What do you we have here? You gonna make my day and tell us you got a perfect fingerprint?"

"We may have something." O'Halloran said. "There were no signs of forced entry in the hallway or living room. But there's something you'll probably want to see in the bedroom. C'mon."

The two detectives walked into the bedroom, where the window was open, the bedside table was knocked over and the blankets pulled back.

"So the perp came in through the window, grabbed the girl and dragged her down the fire escape." Elliot said, walking towards the open window. "Has the windowsill been dusted?"

"Yep, and you're going to love this." O'Halloran walked to the window, and pointed at a spot on the wooden surface. "We got a fingerprint."

"So, let's get this straight. The perp climbed up the fire escape, broke in through the window, and grabbed the girl right out of her bed?" Olivia said. "There's no shattered glass, the window doesn't look broken."

"It was unlocked." O'Halloran said.

Elliot shook his head, scrubbing a hand over his face. _These kids need to learn how to lock their windows. _"So we're obviously not dealing with a professional, here. If this guy was, he'd be smart enough to put on a pair of gloves. Let us know if you get a hint on that print."

"We should get back and see if Mr. Sandoval knows anyone that might want to do something like this to him or his family." Olivia told her partner.

"The mother might be down there by now. He called her right before we left."

"There you two are." Cragen said as the two detectives walked into the bullpen. "Mrs. Sandoval is waiting to talk to one of you."

Elliot and Olivia looked at each other. Elliot shrugged. "You talk to the mother and I'll see if there's anything I else I can get out of the father."

"Wait a minute, you two don't think they're suspects, do you?" The captain asked.

Elliot shook his head. "No, that wouldn't make any sense. There's a ransom note, who do they think would pay for it if they were behind it? We got a print at the scene; we're waiting for O'Halloran to put it through the system."

"I'll go talk to Mrs. Sandoval." Olivia said.

Elliot poured a cup of coffee for Gabriel before he headed back into the interview room. The man sitting at the table looked like he was falling apart. There were bags under his eyes, his posture was slouched and he held his head up with his hand.

"Please tell me you found something to help find my daughter." He said.

Elliot pursed his lips, his heart going to the man. "It looks like the kidnapper used the fire escape to break in. We found a finger print on the window sill."

"So you'll be able to figure out who did this?" Gabriel asked.

"Only if he's in the system." Elliot sat down. "Mr. Sandoval, can you think of anyone that might want to hurt you or your family? Anyone with any grudges against you?"

"I don't think so."

Elliot walked out of the interview room, sighing.

"Nothing?" Olivia asked, walking out of the room next door.

Elliot shook his head. "Nothing. What about you?"

Olivia took a deep breath. "Well, she didn't tell me anything. But…"

"What?" Elliot asked, following her back into the bullpen.

"I don't know." She answered. "She didn't tell me anything, if that's what you're asking.

"But?"

Olivia shook her head, pursing her lips. "I don't know. Something is off about that woman, but I'm not sure what."

"You don't think she had anything to do with this, do you?" The mere thought made him physically ill. To do something like that to your own family… he would kill himself before he harmed a hair on either of his daughters' heads.

"I don't know."

"I sure as hell hope not. Hopefully that print will answer some of our questions."

"Her involvement wouldn't make much sense, anyway, would it?" Olivia asked. "I mean, a ransom wouldn't be much help, where would she think the money would come from?"

"I wouldn't doubt anything in these cases." Elliot said as they walked towards their desks. He hated even thinking about the idea… but there was no telling what kind of crazy people involved in a kidnapping case could be. "The ransom could be a coverup. After all, it doesn't seem like this family needs any more money than they already have."

"In my experience, no money is too much for some people."

Elliot nodded, "Yeah, I guess you're right. There's not much to go on until that fingerprint comes back."

The print didn't come back that day. Olivia left the precinct around six o'clock, but Elliot remained, sifting through the paperwork on his desk that he'd been neglecting over the past week or so.

By the time the early hours of the morning came, his eyes were red and bleary and he felt like he could actually sleep a full night. He walked up to the cribs, slipped his shoes off, and laid down in one of the bunks in the corner. He stared up at the bunk above him for a moment before his eyes closed.

_Elliot across from Maureen on the floor in the living room. A board game was spread between them. "I win, Dad!" Maureen said, triumphantly placing her piece on the finish square. "Let's play again!"_

_"How's it going in here?" Kathy asked, entering the living room. She sat down next to Elliot, who immediately wrapped his arm around her. "Your daughter's kicking my butt at this game."_

He awoke to a gentle shake. When his eyes opened, he saw Olivia standing over him, hand on his shoulder.

"What time is it?" He asked, shooting up from the mattress.

"Quarter to eight." Olivia answered, sitting down on the bunk opposite him. She took a moment to look him over. He was wearing the same pants and dress shirt from the day before, which had fallen into a rumpled, saddening state. The stubble on his face she noticed yesterday was beginning to grow into a full beard.

Elliot nodded, running his hand over his face. "How did you know I was up here?"

"Your jacket was downstairs, and you were still here when I left last night." Olivia said. "You okay?"

"Why?"

She shrugged. "Just asking."

He stood, heading towards his locker. She watched him for a moment as he pulled out a new dress shirt.

"I'm, uh…" Elliot bit his lip for a moment, fingering the cotton shirt. He didn't think this would be so hard… talking to her. It felt like the words were caught in this throat; he knew what he had to do, but it was harder than he ever thought it would be.

Olivia approached him, and placed her hand on his shoulder.

"I'm alright." He said, taking a deep breath. "It's okay, I'm alright."

The female detective nodded. "Okay. I'll meet you downstairs then."

Elliot changed and went up to the roof for a smoke before he headed down to the bullpen.

"Get your coat." Olivia said as he approached his desk. "We got the results of the fingerprint back."

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A/N: Whose prints are they? Review, stay tuned, and you'll find out.


	13. Chapter 13

A/N: Hey, everyone! Here's the next chapter, and I have a bit of an update for you. I've decide that **whoever leaves a review on a chapter will get a sneak peak of the next chapter**. This idea was borrowed from my good friend, The Congressman, and I'd just like to thank him for that. If you haven't, you should definitely check out his awesome stories "Prey" and "Countdown". I'm also told that something else by him is in the works :)

Anyway, I hope you enjoy.

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O'Halloran looked up from the table he was working at, and smiled. He pulled off his gloves with a snap. "We got a hit on that print."

The two detectives met him at one of the computers, and he began typing. In only seconds, a picture popped up on the screen. The man that stared into the camera was clean shaven, with dark blond hair, blue eyes, an angular chin and defined jaw line.

"Meet Kevin Sanderson." O'Halloran said. "His finger print was on the windowsill of the Sandovals' apartment."

"Which means he has a lot of explaining to do." Elliot said, crossing his arms. "I'm guessing he has a record."

"You guessed right." The lab tech said, typing more into the computer. "Burglary, assault and, get this: kidnapping."

"That's the trifecta." Olivia said, turning to her partner. "Let's go see if he's home. What's his address?"

"If he kidnapped the girl, I don't think he'll be sitting around his apartment, Liv." Elliot said as they walked towards the sedan.

"Maybe not." Olivia said, pulling her phone out of her pocket. "But we might as well see if we can get a search warrant."

Elliot opened the driver's side door. "Good thinking."

He started the car, and pulled out of his parking spot, heading towards the address O'Halloran gave them. Olivia spoke with Alex Cabot over the phone; he partially listened in, but mainly focused on the road ahead of them.

"We're all set." Olivia said, replacing her phone in her pocket.

"Good."

The ride wasn't long. Soon enough, the partners walked down the hallway towards Sanderson's apartment.

No one was home when they knocked. Elliot banged on the door for a second time. "Kevin Sanderson! Open up, it's the police!"

Still nothing. Olivia sighed, looking down the hallway. "Should we find the landlord?"

Elliot pursed his lips, rubbing his temples. "You know what, fuck it." With one well-placed kick, the door flew open. Olivia rolled her eyes as she followed him into the apartment. _Hot head. _

"I hope he doesn't come home and start wondering about why his front door is kicked in." She said.

"If he kidnapped that girl, he's going to have a hell of a lot more to worry about than a broken door." Elliot said, shuffling through papers on the coffee table. The apartment was relatively neat and tidy, especially for a convicted felon. The blinds were open, sending rays of natural light across the living room. Papers were neatly stacked on the table, and the carpet look to be freshly vacuumed.

"Think he's living with a girlfriend?" She asked, opening cabinets in the kitchen.

"This place is awful clean." Elliot said, moving towards the desk in the corner. "I don't know if I can see convict Kevin spends the time making it look pretty."

She approached him, watching as he rifled through more paperwork and home office supplies. "Doesn't look like there's anything in here. Want to check the bedroom while I finish in here?"

On the floor in the closet, Olivia found a small black chest. She opened it, took a few meaningless papers off the top, and her eyes widened. "Elliot! Come look at this!"

He was squatting beside her in a, instant. "What is it?"

She used gloves from the inside pocket of her jacket to lift a stack of pictures grouped together with a rubber band.

"That looks like our victim."

They flipped through the stack, which was filled with pictures of Isabella in front of her school, walking into her apartment building and on the sidewalk. An address was scribbled on a piece of paper at the bottom.

"That's the Sandoval's address." Olivia said.

"He was following her." Elliot said angrily, jumping to his feet. "The asshole was stalking the poor girl!"

"Yeah. but look at this." Olivia lifted a picture out of the bunch. It was a school picture, with the girl giving a toothy smile into the camera. "If he needed a school picture like this… how did he find this girl?"

Elliot rubbed his temples. "Well, Sanderson was clearly after the money. He probably knew about the father and researched his kid. It makes sense, convicts usually aren't well off in terms of cash. With his record, he could definitely snatch her for a reward."

"Now we just have to find him."

Elliot nodded, reaching for his phone. "We should get CSU over here. Just to make sure we're not missing anything."

When they exited the apartment, an older woman was watching them through her door, which was cracked open a sliver.

"Ma'am?" Elliot asked, making a beeline for her. He took out his badge. "NYPD. Do you know anything about the man living in 3C?"

"Oh, no, not really." She answered, discomfort leaking into her features. "I mind my own business, I don't usually pay any attention to my neighbors."

_Right, that's why you were watching us through your door. _

"Oh. Well, it's very important. There's nothing you can tell me about him? Anything that you've noticed?"

She opened the door a bit more. "Well, he's quite strange. Always leaving and coming at all hours of the night. It must drive his wife mad."

"His wife?" Olivia asked. "He's married?"

"Well, there's a woman coming in and out quite often." The woman said. "Someone around so often must be married."

"Can you tell me what she looks like?" Elliot asked.

"Hispanic, I think. Tall, with long black hair. I can tell why Mr. Sanderson is involved with her. She is quite beautiful."

Elliot nodded, reaching for his notepad to write down the description. "Thank you very much." He handed her one of his business cards. "Please don't hesitate to call if you think of anything that might help us."

The woman closed the door, and Elliot and Olivia headed toward the elevator. "That description sounds familiar." Olivia said.

Elliot stared at him for a long moment, and crossed his arms. "There are thousands of Hispanic women in New York. That woman's description wasn't very clear."

"There was something off about Mrs. Sandoval." Olivia said. "That's all I'm saying."

"She's that girl's mother." Elliot snapped. "Why the hell would she want to cause her any pain like that?"

"Elliot-

"There's no evidence of that." He said, calming himself down. "No evidence."

_How could she even think that? _

Elliot scrubbed his face with his hands as the elevator doors slid open. He walked out of the building, heading towards the sedan. She followed him, but almost crashed into his back when he stopped short. "What the hell?"

"There he is." He said softly, staring at a man walking down the sidewalk. He wore a pair of ragged jeans and a black sweatshirt with the hood up.

They walked towards him, and Olivia noticed Elliot's hand moving towards his hip where his service weapon rested.

Sanderson looked up, saw the detectives, and hesitated. Elliot's pace quickened. "Mr. Sanderson?" He barely got the final word out before Sanderson took off.

Elliot and Olivia sprinted after him. He turned down an alley, knocking over garbage cans as he went. Elliot vaulted over one of them, reached Sanderson, and grabbed him around the waist, throwing him to the ground. They scuffled on the ground, throwing punches, fighting for an upper hand. Just as Olivia reached them and went for her gun, Elliot flipped Sanderson onto his back, punched him in the face, and the fight was over.

"Kevin Sanderson," he said breathlessly, dragging the man to his feet, "you're under arrest for the kidnapping of Isabella Sandoval, resisting arrest and assaulting a police officer."

"You okay?" Olivia asked, noticing a stream of blood trickling down Elliot's upper lip.

"Fine." Elliot answered, handing off the suspect to clean himself up. He used a napkin from his pocket to wipe away the blood as they walked back towards the sedan.

"So, you think this guy's good for it?" Cragen asked, looking through the glass next to Elliot and Olivia.

"He had a stack of pictures of Isabella in his bedroom and he bolted as soon as he saw us." Elliot said. "Yeah, I think he did it." He began rolling up his sleeves, and entered the interrogation room. Cragen watched him, sighed, and turned to Olivia.

"How's he doing?" The captain asked Olivia softly.

She had to think for a moment. He was acting normal… or, well, mostly normal, from what she could tell. Then again, he got awful defensive when she suggested the mother's involvement… _That's nothing. He was a father, he obviously couldn't imagine a mother causing her child's suffering. Besides, what would she hope to get out of it? _

"I don't know, honestly." She answered. "He seems alright, but…"

"He could be keeping it to himself. He's good at that." Cragen said. "Just watch out for him, alright?"

"He's my partner." Olivia said, staring at her partner through the glass. "I'll always look out for him."

Olivia walked into the interrogation room, and sat down across from their suspect. Elliot stood against the wall, arms crossed, a bruise starting to form under his right eye. Sanderson was definitely worse for wear; his lip was split, he had his own black eye and there was a gash on the side of his face from when Elliot threw him to the ground.

"So, Kevin, do you want to tell us why you tried to run from us, and then assaulted my partner?" Olivia asked, folding her hands on the table.

"He threw me onto the ground. I was defending myself." Kevin said coolly.

"That still doesn't explain why you ran in the first place." Olivia leaned forward in her seat. "Do you have something to hide?"

"I know exactly why he ran." Elliot uncrossed his arms and stepped forward. "He knows we got him for kidnapping Isabella Sandoval. Right, Sanderson?"

"I don't know who you're talking about."

"Cut the crap. We found your fingerprint on the window of her bedroom." Elliot leaned over him, pressing his palm to the tabletop. "Tell us where the girl is or you're gonna be in a world of hurt."

Kevin stared up at Elliot. "Like I said, Detective. I have no idea what or who you're talking about."

_He's laughing at you. He knows exactly who you're talking about. Where Isabella is. He enjoys toying around with you. _

His hands twitched. It took more willpower than he would have liked to admit not to grab the man around his neck.

"If you have no idea what we're talking about, how did your fingerprint end up on the windowsill of the girl'd bedroom?" Olivia asked. "You're going to have to give us a different answer, Sanderson, because we're not buying what you're selling."

"I'm telling the truth here. I don't know any Isabella or Irene or anyone like that."

Olivia's eyebrows narrowed as she turned her head towards Elliot. "That's funny, I don't think I mentioned the mother's name. Do you?"

"Nope." Elliot said, eyes glued to Sanderson. "Sounds like bullshit to me. Let's start over; what did you do?"

"Nothing!"

Before Olivia could even process what was happening, Elliot had Sanderson up against the wall. Parts of the man's shirt was balled up in his fist. "You're gonna tell us where the girl is, NOW."

"Elliot!" She jumped to her feet as the door slammed open, and both she and Cragen pried Elliot away from the suspect.

"Fuck!" Elliot said, slamming his fist against the filing cabinet once the interview room's door was closed.

"Jesus Christ, Elliot, are you _asking_ for a lawsuit?" The captain asked, approaching his detective, who was now pacing across the floor.

He sighed, collapsing against the wall and rubbing his eyes. "No. That son of a bitch knows exactly where Isabella is, he's just toying with us."

"You've been here long enough, you know that's what they do." Cragen said. "You better hope Sanderson doesn't try to press charges."

"For what, yelling in his face? He's not going to." Elliot said, staring through the one-way glass. "I think I wounded his pride enough by kicking the shit out of him earlier."

Cragen crossed his arms over his chest, taking a deep breath as they both listened in.

"Now, why don't you answer my partner's question honestly?" Olivia asked, sitting back down. "We found your fingerprint at the Sandovals' apartment. There's no question that you were there."

"I already answered that question." Kevin answered. "There's nothing else to say."

"Well, how about that stack of pictures you have of Isabella? I gotta tell you, Kevin, it looks like you were stalking the poor girl."

"It wasn't like that!" Sanderson shouted, jumping to his feet.

"Then what was it?" Olivia said, standing as well. "Maybe I'll get Detective Stabler back in here. I'm sure he'll have another way to get the information that we need."

"Don't-

"Then just drop the act." Olivia walked up to him. "We know you knew Isabella. We know you were at the apartment. If you tell us where you stashed Isabella, we may be able to help you, but if you're going to keep playing these games, there's nothing that I'll be able to do. Do you understand that?"

Kevin sighed, dropping back down in his chair. "Fine, I give. I grabbed her. But you gotta listen to me, it wasn't my idea."

"Just tell me where she is, and we can talk." Olivia answered.

"No way. You gotta listen to my story first. I'm not gonna be the only one going down for this!"

"No, YOU listen to ME." Olivia said, "I'm not going to listen to any story until that girl is safe and sound in this precinct."

_Who else could be involved? _Olivia thought as she scribbled down the address he gave her and hurried out of the interrogation room. _Could it be the mother? _

She couldn't get the thought out of her head as she and Elliot bounded down the stairs, ran to the car, and screeched out of their parking spot, siren blaring.

"He said someone else was involved." She said. "I'm telling you, I think the mother is involved. I don't know why or how, but that woman was hiding something."

"And I'm telling you _no_ parent would want to watch their child suffer!" He slammed on the horn in frustration as the Cadillac in front of them refused to move over. "Come _on_, asshole!"

"I'm sure you were a great father, Elliot, but not all parents are like that." Olivia said. "I told you about _my_ mother."

Elliot bit his lip, at a loss for words.

_She's right, you know. _

_NO. There's NO way that woman could be involved. This is cut and dry, Sanderson just needed money and tried to get it the only way he knows how. _

"We're here."

* * *

A/N: What's going to happen? Is Olivia right about the mother? Is Isabella okay? And next time, a little E/O romance goes a long way, so stay tuned! And remember, **if you review, you will get blurb of the next chapter! **

Also, I'd just like to dedicate this chapter to three year-old Scotty McMillan from Philadelphia. Scotty was beaten, tortured and murder by his own mother and her boyfriend. Personally, I cannot believe someone could be so cruel.


	14. Chapter 14

A/N: I just want to thank everyone who reviewed the last chapter. As always, it means a lot to me. I just want to let you guys know that **if you do not sign into a Fanfiction account when you review, I will not be able to send you sneak peaks. **Sorry about that, but I have nowhere to send the sneak peaks if you don't have one. With that being said, this is the chapter that I think you've been waiting for! Or, at least, part of it is... I know this is quite long, but the ending is worth it!

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The address that Elliot and Olivia pulled up to was a small one-story brick building. The few windows that it had were cracked, and one was even completely smashed in. There was a new padlock on the door, however, so both partners knew that Sanderson hadn't been lying to them. Elliot grabbed a crowbar from the trunk and they approached the door.

"It's freezing out here." He said. It was true; the thermometer outside the precinct when they left had read twelve degrees. For early March, it was quite cold. "She better have something warm in there."

Olivia bit her lips as she watched him rip the lock open with the crow bar. She had a feeling that neither of them were going to like what they found.

Inside, the building looked like a broken down shop, with burnt out lights, a cracked display case and, on the far wall, a closed door that most likely led to a backroom. Elliot could hear his heart racing in his chest. _Let her be okay. Please, let her be okay. _

Elliot slid over the countertop, kicked down the door, and rushed into the room, Olivia on his tail. It was small, cramped, and not much warmer than outside. In a corner, wrapped in a crumpled heap, was a feminine human form. A thin blanket covered her, but Elliot could still see her visibly shivering.

"Isabella?" He asked quietly, approaching her. "Is that you?"

An unintelligible groan came from the heap.

"Hey." He squatted next to her. "I'm a police officer, I'm here to help you. How are you doing?"

"C-cold." She whispered, turning towards him. The color in her cheeks were gone and her lips were turning blue. Elliot's heart jumped into his throat.

"Okay." He said, ripping off his jacket. He wrapped it around her. "It's gonna be okay. We're going to get you warm, okay? Me and my partner, we're here to take you home."

He lifted her up into his arms, and Olivia held the door open for him as he carried her out. A solid kick slammed the swinging door on the counter open, Olivia jogged ahead of him, and opened the door to the backseat of the sedan. She ripped her jacket off as well, and covered Isabella with it before jumping into the passenger's seat.

The ride to the hospital was a blur. Before he knew it, he and Olivia were in the hallway, waiting to hear news about the girl. While Olivia sat in one of the plastic chairs, Elliot stood, arms crossed, pacing.

"El." Olivia said, standing and moving towards him. She placed a hand on his shoulder. "Relax. You did all you could."

"She looked terrible." He said, his gaze lost on the doors that the victim disappeared behind. "I-I don't know how she's going to make it."

"You did your best to help her. We both did. Now all's we can do it wait."

Elliot took a deep breath, and nodded, slowly making his way to the row of chairs against the wall. He plopped down onto one of them with a huff. "I know."

Olivia sat down beside him. "I can't image a mother doing anything like this to her child." She said softly. "If we hadn't found Isabella, she definitely would have died from hypothermia."

"Sure can imagine an animal like Sanderson doing it, though." Elliot said, malice in his tone. "I can't wait to get him back into interrogation."

Before she could respond, a short doctor in a white lab coat and khakis appeared from behind the double doors and approached them. "Detectives?"

"Yeah." Elliot said standing. "What's going on, Doc? Is she going to make it?"

The doctor sighed, rubbing his forehead. "There was nothing we could do for her. Hypothermia along with the drugs in her system were just too much for her to handle."

Elliot's heart sunk into the pit of his stomach. _I was too late. I couldn't save her. _

"Thanks, Doc." He said, shaking the man's hand.

"Just do me a favor and punish the son of a bitch that forced her through this."

"Believe me, we will."

"Son of a bitch." Olivia said as they walked out to their sedan. "I can't believe he just left her out there in the cold. How could he expect her to be okay?"

"I don't know." He muttered, opening the car door. Somehow, he couldn't even force himself to be angry, and that's what scared him the most. Icy sadness pooled in his gut; he couldn't get the pictures of Isabella out of his head, freezing, shivering, dying…

He didn't even know this girl personally, but it hurt to lose her. A lot.

They pulled up to the precinct, and made their way inside.

"Where's that scum, Sanderson?" Elliot asked Munch and Fin as he walked into the bullpen.

"Exactly where the two of you left him." Munch asked. "Where's the girl? Is she okay?"

"No." Elliot said. "She died in the hospital."

"Hold on there, Elliot." Cragen said, grabbing his arm as the detective attempted to make his way to the interrogation room. "Are you sure you should be going in there? Why don't you take a minute to cool down."

"I don't need to cool down, I need to get in there and bust this asshole for murdering that little girl." Elliot snapped, yanking his arm away. "That's what he did, he _murdered_ her! For a few thousand bucks!"

"You heard what he said to Olivia." Cragen said calmly, moving in front of the detective. "He has more information to give, and I'm not letting you in there until you're calm enough to interview him properly."

Elliot took a deep breath, and nodded. "Alright, alright. I'm fine."

"You sure about that?"

"Yeah, I'm sure."

Cragen finally stepped aside, and Olivia followed her partner into the interrogation room where Sanderson sat, head resting on his folded arms.

"Wake up, Sanderson." Elliot said. "You can sleep when you're dead."

"You gonna listen to me now?" Kevin asked, sitting up slowly.

"No, you're going to listen to me." Elliot said, leaning over the table. "That little girl you kidnapped is dead. You're now looking at murder charges."

"I only did it because she told me to!" Kevin shouted, slamming his hands down on the table. "I wouldn't have done shit if it weren't for her!"

Olivia's eyebrows narrowed as she closed the distance between her and their suspect. "What are you talking about? If it weren't for who?"

"Irene fucking Sandoval." Kevin said, shaking his head as he dropped back down into his chair. "We've been having an affair for months. She told me she was going to leave her husband and we'd be together."

"And?" Elliot asked. "What does that have to do with you snatching a child and shoving her into a room smaller than this one for three days?"

"I'm a convicted felon. Money isn't exactly rolling in, and Irene hasn't held a job since she married that richie rich. Not to mention the prenup he made her sign. She told me that if we could just get a ransom from him, we'd have enough to get out of here. If only I'd known the pussy would run to the cops."

"You know, I'm not buying this little story you've come up with." Elliot said, sitting down at the table. "Why should we believe you? Who's to say you found out about this 'richie rich' and thought it was a way to get cash fast? And that now you're trying to take an innocent woman down with you?"

"Go ahead and ask her." Kevin said. "I'm sure she won't admit it, but that's what happened. Where do you think I got those pictures? The school photo?"

_No way. _

"Alright, let's say you're telling the truth." Olivia said. "What made you think it was okay to snatch a child out of her bed in the middle of the night?"

"I didn't plan on hurting her, okay? It was just a way to get some cash."

There was a knock on the glass, and Elliot stood, heading out into the viewing area.

"Don't tell me you believe this crap." He said, crossing his arms as he stared at his captain. He didn't like the look on Cragen's face.

"O'Halloran called." Cragen said. "There were two sets of prints on the stack of photos you and Olivia got at Sanderson's apartment."

"No way." He knew where the captain was going with this, and he didn't want to hear it. Had Olivia been right?

"The first set was Kevin Sanderson's. The second was Irene Sandoval's."

He slumped against the wall, rubbing his temples. "Of course they were… which means that scum may actually be telling the truth."

Elliot approached the window of the next interview room, where Irene was sitting, arms crossed. "That woman let him kidnap her daughter." He whispered. "She better have a damn good story to explain this."

He swung the door open and walked through, despite the captain's pleas for him to wait.

"Did you find my daughter?" Irene asked, jumping to her feet.

"Let's talk about what happened." Elliot said, sitting down. "You said you had no idea who kidnapped your daughter, correct?"

"Yes." She slowly lowered herself into her chair. "Of course I don't know who did it. If I did, I would have told you."

"We have the suspect next door. He had a stack of pictures of your daughter in his apartment."

"Excuse me?"

Elliot scratched his temple with his index finger. "Yeah, it was strange. Your fingerprints were on the pictures as well."

"My _what_?" Irene asked. "Are you accusing me of something, Detective?"

"No." Elliot said, leaning back. "I'm giving you _one_ chance to drop the act and tell me the truth. If you decide to lie to me, like you lied to my partner, I'm going to make sure you get the harshest punishment possible for the murder of your daughter."

Tears sprouted in her eyes. Her sharp intake of breath was followed by a strangled sob. _"Murder?"_

"By the time my partner and I were able to find Isabella, she'd already developed a serious case of pneumonia. Her lips were blue, she couldn't stop shaking and she couldn't move from the drugs that you and Kevin forced her to ingest." Elliot spat. "We got her to the hospital, but it was already too late. She died on the table, scared and alone. I just hope she didn't die thinking that her mother betrayed her, used her and ultimately caused her death."

"I did not cause my daughter's death!" Irene shouted, standing. "_I did not!_"

"Then how did your fingerprints get on the pictures?" Elliot said, his volume matching hers. "Why did Sanderson _say_ you were in on it, and that you were sleeping together? Answer that, Irene!"

He took a deep breath, regaining his composure. "Better yet, don't say anything. We have all the evidence we need to convict you of kidnapping and murder."

The detective turned and headed towards the door. His heart was constricting in his chest. He could barely breathe. When he slammed the door and looked up, Casey Novak stood next to the captain.

"Please tell me we have enough to nail that woman." He said, his voice strained.

"A confession would seal it." Casey said. "But with the fingerprints and Sanderson's testimony, we should have enough."

The detective nodded. "I need some air."

* * *

"El?" Olivia asked gently, approaching her partner. He sat at his desk, appearing to be working on paperwork, but she knew better. She could barely focus thanks to the day's events, and she knew that he would be feeling almost the same. Irene and Kevin had been arrested, and now they were taking the time to write up the reports.

"Yeah, Liv?" He asked, his voice strained as he tried to keep his emotions in check. He cursed her for trying to speak with him now; what he really needed to do was just sit for a while and calm down. He had tried to calm himself down on the roof, had a cigarette, but nothing could get the thoughts of what had happened out of his head.

_I still can't believe she would do that to her daughter. How could she do that to her own flesh and blood? _

"It's almost ten." She said. "I can't stay here anymore. Want to go for a drink?"

"If I go for a drink, I won't be able to stop." He muttered, turning over the piece of paper he was writing on. There wasn't even any point in trying anymore. He knew that he wasn't going to be able to get any work done.

"Something to eat then." She bargained. "I don't think either of us should be alone right now."

He looked up at her, and immediately saw the sadness in her glistening eyes. While it was definitely a change of pace than their usual dynamic, he absolutely hated seeing her like that.

"Alright." He said finally, setting his pen down. "Let me get my jacket."

_This is a good idea. She's right, I really shouldn't be alone. Nor do I want to be. _

He drove them to a diner close to her apartment, which was almost empty at that time on a weeknight. They both ordered burgers, but neither ate much.

Elliot swallowed a sip of Coke, taking a deep breath. It had taken everything he had not to order a beer, or even something harder. God knows he could have used it… but he knew that it would only serve to give him a few hours relief and a headache in the morning. He was just about finished hiding his emotions behind a bottle.

"Let me drive you home." He said after about ten minutes of silence. Neither of them had touched their plates in that amount of time, and he was feeling antsy sitting at this booth.

"Okay."

Elliot threw down enough cash to pay for both of their meals, even after earning a glare from her partner. As they walked out the door, Olivia shoved a ten dollar bill into his pocket, and he didn't both arguing with her.

"Seems like we've been getting way too many kid cases lately." She commented as they got into his car.

"The worse kind." Elliot turned down the street towards her building. "But whenever we do catch one, I'm grateful. They're going to go on anyway, so the best we can do is get a report and find the scum that did it. What scares me the most is what goes unreported."

Olivia nodded in agreement. "You're right. It scares me, too."

"Anyone who hurts a child deserves to suffer the worst kind of pain." He muttered, mostly to himself.

They pulled up to her building, and she smiled softly at him. "Want to come up for a little bit?"

His heart was telling him yes, but his mind was telling him no. He was almost afraid of what would happen if he agreed.

"Okay."

The ride in the elevator was silent. So was the short walk down the hall towards her apartment. She didn't know why, but the atmosphere between them seemed far too strained, even when they both collapsed on her couch together.

"El?" She asked softly, her voice filled with emotion that was suddenly coming to the surface. She knew that he was hurting just as badly as she was, but in that moment, the only thing that she could think about was seeking comfort. They'd lost a young girl that they could have saved… why couldn't they save her?

"Yeah?" He whispered, the same emotion stealing his voice.

She stared at him for a moment, and couldn't help but think about how good it would feel to be wrapped up in his arms. Before she could stop herself, her head fell against his chest and her arms wrapped around his waist.

The embrace felt better than he could have possibly imagined. In that moment, he wanted absolutely nothing more than to return it, so that's exactly what he did. His arms clenched around her, his head fell against her shoulder, and tears moistened his eyes. When he felt the wetness of her own tears against his thin cotton shirt, he stopped trying to hold back, and they let the anguish out together.

He could have spent an eternity just like that. It was one of the strangest feelings he'd ever experienced: sadness and anguish wrapped up with the warmth and comfort that came along with her embrace. However, she eventually pulled back slightly, just enough to look him in the eye.

His heart jumped as he stared back at her. He'd noticed her beauty before, it was hard not to, but never like this. It pulled him in and refused to let him turn away.

She was thinking the same. It was easy to ignore his looks when she saw the ugliness of his emotional mask at the beginning, but now… his walls were crumbled and all's she could see was the handsomeness underneath.

Like the hug they shared, her next actions were purely instinctual. Her lips were drawn to his like a magnet. When he leaned in as well, all of the trepidation disappeared. Her hand made it's way to rest on his cheek as the small distance between them closed. Their lips pressed together.

* * *

A/N: Just like last chapter, **review for a sneak peak of Chapter Fifteen! **I hope you enjoyed, and let me know what you think! ALSO: **I am now on Twitter! **My handle is Stabson10, so follow me for more sneak previews and extra goodies.


	15. Chapter 15

**A/N:** First, I'd just like to** thank everyone who read and reviewed** last chapter. Your comments really meant a lot to me :) Next, I know this chapter is super long, but I really couldn't find anywhere else I would want to cut it off. So, think of it as a gift for all of your support!

* * *

"Elliot." Doctor Reilly sat down across from the detective on the couch in her office. She hadn't gotten any information out of her patient when he came by her office unannounced, just a gut feeling that something was very wrong. Their appointments had decreased from once a week to once or twice a month, always on Thursday nights. It was now a Tuesday. "This isn't our usual time. What's wrong?"

The look in his eyes made her very nervous; she hadn't seen him quite like this since their first few sessions. To her great satisfaction, they'd made serious headway towards his stabilization. She could never say recovery, though; there was no way anyone could recover from losing the people closest.

"I-I didn't know where else to go." He mumbled, staring into his lap. "I think… I need to talk to someone, but…"

"It's okay, I'm here to talk. What happened?"

He said nothing. In Elliot's defense, he tried to speak, but he didn't even know where to start. Reilly moved to sit next to him. "Elliot? I can't help you if you don't tell me what's wrong."

"I'm sorry." He said, dropping his head into his hands. "I-I don't want to waste your time, I just… don't know…" He shook his head.

"It's okay." Reilly said soothingly. "Where are Olivia and your captain? Do they know about what's going on?"

Elliot chuckled humorlessly. "Oh, _Olivia_ knows."

"Okay, what happened with Olivia?"

He stood, shaking his head. "Olivia and I…"

"What?" Reilly asked. "Did you fight?"

"No. The exact opposite, actually." He admitted. "I went over her place after a hard case. A, um… a mother was involved with the kidnapping of her own daughter."

"That must have been hard to deal with."

"You can't even imagine." Elliot mumbled, swallowing. It was hard to breathe. "Anyway, um… Olivia invited me over her place. I went because… I didn't want to be alone, and I didn't want her to be, either."

"What happened while you were there?"

_Elliot felt Olivia's hand on his cheek as the small distance between them closed. Their lips pressed together. Warmth flooded through his body, butterflies fluttered in his stomach, and his fingertips tingled. Her lips were so soft against his… it was amazing. He pulled her even closer, gripped her waist tight, and lost himself. _

_Then, everything came crashing down. _What the hell am I doing?

"You kissed her." Reilly said.

Elliot jumped to his feet, and began pacing. "I love my wife. I-I would never betray her, I would never…"

"Elliot." Reilly stood in front of him, and took his hands in hers. He stared at the floor, tears pooling in his eyes. "Elliot, look at me."

Finally, he did, albeit hesitantly.

"Kathy is gone." She saw him wince at her words. "She's gone. Okay? And there's nothing wrong with moving on and finding someone that makes you happy again. That's what you want, isn't it? You want to be happy?"

"Yeah, I want to be happy."

"And I can tell that you care about Olivia. There's nothing wrong with that."

"I can't do this." Elliot grabbed his jacket from the back of the couch, and headed for the door. "I can't deal with this, I can't…"

"Elliot, you can't run away from this." She called after him.

"I'm sorry, I have to go. I shouldn't have come." Elliot said, stumbling out the door.

_Elliot pulled away like she had shocked him. He had to stop; what the hell was he doing? _

_"__El?" She whispered. Her voice was so gentle, so concerned, it made him want to break down. Instead, he got to his feet and retreated towards the front door. _

_"__I can't." He said, shaking his head. "I can't." _

_She stood as well, took a few steps towards him, but left him the space that he needed. "Hey, it's okay. Let's sit down and talk about this." _

_He had to get as far away from her as possible. He grabbed his jacket from the coat rack by the door. "I have to go." _

_Elliot shook his head violently as he walked out of the apartment building. _What was I thinking? Why did I kiss her?

_He couldn't do this with her. He couldn't let his heart get broken all over again… because that was precisely what was going to happen. Inevitably, their relationship would end with pain. But the kiss had felt so good. So right. She made him feel loved again. Only now did he realize how lonely he really was, but it was better than being heartbroken. Right? _

_He took out his pack of cigarettes and began fumbling with them as he reached the car, but his hands were shaking too much to accomplish what he wanted. _

STOP. You're letting her get into your head, which is exactly what you were trying to prevent.

_Anger flashed through him. He flung the pack of cigarettes against the car door, and they landed on the pavement with a plop. Both of his palms pressed against the hood of the car as he tried to keep control of his slipping composure. Finally, he leaned down, picked up the pack and was able to extract one of the cigarettes. After getting in his car, he balanced it between his lips, lit it, and took a long drag. Tears streamed down his face._

* * *

Olivia stood in her living room, still staring at the door Elliot had stormed out of. She cursed herself mentally; what was she _thinking_? He was clearly still in pain, and she went and _kissed_ him? They had a friendship, and within two minutes, she had ruined it all. It had been so hard to get him to break down his walls even a little bit for her, and now she felt like he would never let her in again.

_He wanted it, though. He leaned forward, too, he wanted to kiss me. _

_He was in pain and vulnerable. He didn't know what he wanted. _

She sighed, collapsing back onto the couch. There was one thing she knew that she wanted to do. Even though her partner did a good job trying to hide it, there was still a lot of pain in his heart, and she wanted nothing more than to finish healing him. They'd already made it so far; she couldn't give up on him now. No matter how angry or betrayed he felt.

The next day, when Olivia walked into the bull pen, her partner's desk was vacant. She looked around, confused. He was always there when she arrived. _Then again, after what happened, are you really surprised?_

"Where's Elliot?" She asked the captain as he walked by.

"Took a comp day." Cragen answered. "Do you happen to know what's going on with your partner?"

_It probably has something to do with what happened last night._ She shook her head. "The Sandoval case has been hard on both of us, Cap. He probably just needed time to recharge."

* * *

Olivia knocked on the door of Elliot's apartment, and stood back. It was six thirty, and she'd left work to come straight here. If the state he was in before he left her apartment the night before was any indication, he was probably going to need some support. She knocked again after a moment, but the response was the same. Nothing.

"Come on, Elliot." She called. "I know you're in there, please open the door."

She banged on the door one more time, but still, nothing. Sighing, she ran her hand through her hair. _Stabler, why do you have to be so difficult? _Her hand made its way to the doorknob, but she didn't turn it. _He probably just wants to be alone. How will it look if I just barge into his apartment? We need to talk about what happened. We're not going to be able to work together again until we do. _

Finally, she turned the doorknob, and entered. The apartment was dim when she entered, but she could still the lump that was her partner laying back on the couch. As she approached him, she saw two bottles of booze, one empty and the other half full, and an ashtray filled with cigarette butts. He smelled like stale smoke.

"What are you doing here?" He slurred, leaning forward as he reached for the bottle. She winced as he took a long swig. From what she could see, he definitely didn't need anymore to drink.

"I came here to talk with you." She said. "Clearly, you're not in much of a state to do that."

Elliot chuckled darkly, letting his head fall against the back of the couch. "Clearly."

"So, what, you skipped work so you could lay on your couch and get bombed?"

"Technically, I skipped work so I could avoid you."

"Because of what we did yesterday." Olivia took one more step towards him. They were less than a foot apart now.

He took another swig of alcohol. She was surprised he could even get proper words out of his mouth from how much he'd been drinking. His eyes were clouded and his whole body was slumped. "Thought I wasn't in any state to talk."

She took the bottle out of his hand. "I think you've had enough."

"Hey!" He reached for the bottle, but only succeeded in knocking over the empty one and nearly landing on his face on the floor. She caught him with a grunt, and slung his arm around her shoulders. He wasn't offering her much support, so it was more difficult than she imagined. "Alright, come on. Let's get you into bed before you hurt yourself."

"Not gonna hurt myself." He mumbled, head lolling to the side as she guided him down the hall. "Already hurt enough, got plenty of people to do that for me."

"You have plenty of people that want to _help_ you, including me." She said, sitting him down on the bed. As soon as she let go of him, he fell back against the mattress, a mix of exhaustion and drunkenness overcoming him.

Frowning, she wrapped the blanket at the end of the bed around him. He remained still as she looked down at him; his empty gaze was fixed on a spot on the ceiling.

"Why'd you come?" He asked softly.

She took a moment to think of an answer. "Because I didn't want you to be alone. I know you're confused."

His eyes fluttered closed. "Not confused."

"Then why did you call in sick and drink yourself into a stupor?"

He didn't answer. _Must've passed out. _She sighed, and turned off the light as she left the bedroom.

Back in the living room, Olivia capped the alcohol, emptied the ash tray into the trash and threw away the empty bottle.

_Well, that didn't turn out the way I wanted it to. What am I supposed to do now? _

_Maybe I should just wait until he wakes up. But is that okay? Will he be angry when he wakes up? _

_It doesn't matter. We need to talk. Neither of us can keep going like this._

* * *

Elliot's head felt like it was splitting open. He'd only been awake for a moment, but as soon as he came back into consciousness, the pain started, his stomach started to do flips and he felt like everything he drank the night before was going to come back up very unpleasantly. Groaning, he shoved the pillow over his head.

_How much did I drink last night? _

"Good morning, sunshine." The pleasant tone only succeeded in sharpening the pain in his head. He grunted in response.

Olivia moved to sit on the edge of the bed. When she spoke next, her tone was much softer. "There are pain killers on the table next to you. Gatorade, too. You definitely don't want to be dehydrated right now."

He threw the pillow off his face, and reached for the bottle of painkillers. Pills, liquids, he'd do anything to make this feeling go away. "Thanks." He rasped.

He hadn't forgotten why he got so drunk last night, or why he didn't want to be around his partner at that moment. However, all of that could wait until he felt a little bit less like death. Right now, she was offering an olive branch with hangover treatment, and he wasn't going to deny it.

After watching him down a few pills and sip at the Gatorade, she spoke. "I know you don't want to talk about what happened between us. But we really need to get this sorted out, El."

He felt like shoving the pillow back over his head. Not only was his head still pounding, but his stomach felt like it was going to leap up into his throat. He sat up slowly. "Listen-

The thought was broken of by sudden bile traveling up his throat. He stumbled towards the bathroom, and made it to the toilet just before a night of drinking come back around to kick his ass.

He threw up until all's that came were dry heaves. He sat still for several seconds, gaining his bearings before he reached up, flushed the toilet with a shaky hand, and collapsed back against the bathtub, trembling, sweating and still feeling like shit. His nose and his throat stung, there was a terrible taste in his mouth, and he felt like someone was taking a jackhammer to his skull.

Olivia kneeled beside him, and wiped his forehead gently with a cool, damp cloth in an attempt to soothe him. "Figured that might happen." She said softly. "Are you okay?"

He sighed shakily, bringing his knees to his chest and holding his arms over them. "I'm fine." He lied. "I just… want to be alone."

Olivia took a deep breath as she pulled the cloth away. "Elliot, pushing away the people that care about you isn't going to help anything. Why won't you let me help you? We were fine a few days ago, what happened? I thought we were friends, and I thought you trusted me."

He turned away, finding a spot on the bathroom wall to stare at. "Yeah, well, that was before."

"Before _what_?" She knew the answer already; she just wanted to hear him say it, if he would even say it.

"You know what." Elliot answered, his voice showing the agitation that he was starting to feel.

_You're saving yourself from the pain you'll eventually feel, anyway. It'll hurt less this way. _

"I want you to say it." She said.

"You know how I feel, Olivia. Don't play this game." His muscles were tensing. He didn't like where this conversation was going at all.

"I care about you," she said, her voice turning back to soft and soothing, "and I know that you care about me, too. What is so wrong with that?"

He couldn't take it anymore. Shooting to his feet, he shouted, "Because, Olivia! You know what I've been through. I was fine with the way things were before, and then you came along and changed everything. I'm not supposed to act like this; I wanted to just be alone so I couldn't get hurt anymore. But here I am, trying to reject you, and it feels like I'm ripping my own heart out of my chest because I care about you so god damn much!"

He dropped onto the ledge of the shower, and tears came to his eyes. He felt so lost, and he had no idea what to do. He just needed some guidance, but he didn't know where or how to get it. He sighed shakily, staring down at the tile floor.

"But I don't know how much longer I can do it. I'm so…" He swallowed, a lump forming in his throat. This was so hard for him to admit, especially to her. "Lonely. I come home from work to this empty apartment… I want someone to be with, to make me feel less empty, but then I think about my family." he wiped at the tears in his eyes, a wave of anguish drowning him, "I just… can't handle any more pain."

"Elliot, you can't spend the rest of your life like this." She said softly, sitting next to him, rubbing his back gently, trying to wash away some of the turmoil that she knew he felt.

"I'm scared, Liv." He admitted ever so softly. "I don't… want to get hurt again."

"I know you don't." She answered, running her hand through his hair. "I would never willingly do that."

Her heart broke at the look in his eyes. Though he tried to hide it, she could see the pain and confusion, clear as day.

"You don't have to. It'll happen anyway." He whispered, shoulders shaking, trying so desperately to keep the tears back.

"You said you didn't want to be lonely anymore." She said. "Well, _I'm_ here, El. I want to be in your life, and I think you want it, too. You proved it to me. So just _please_ let me."

_I have to get away from her. Before… _Elliot shook his head, and stood, heading towards the door, and hopefully freedom from these emotions that were plaguing him.

"Elliot."

His body turned before his brain could tell it not to.

_This is my last chance, _she thought, approaching him. He was so close to letting go, she just had to push him the rest of the way. "Listen." She said, taking his hand. Surprisingly, he didn't try to pull away. "Just stop holding back. Let go, and I _promise_ I will take care of you."

Somehow, those words made him lose it. All of the emotions that had been plaguing him for a year and a half seemed to crash down on him all at once, and he felt like he was going to collapse. His lip trembled, he swallowed several times to try to keep the sobs back, and he had to turn away from her.

His shoulders began to shake. He held one hand on his hip, and brought his other fist to press against his lips, like it could keep everything down. Unfortunately to him, though, his strategy was failing miserably. _Don't fucking do this in front of her. DO. NOT. CRY. STOP IT. _

His eyes filled with water. He shut them tightly, unwilling to accept that a breakdown was inevitable. No matter how hard he tried to convince himself, though, he knew what was going to happen, and he hated himself for it.

"There's nothing wrong with letting go, huh?" He breathed, nearly letting a sob out at the end.

Olivia turned him gently, and the first thing he saw was her reassuring smile. "Of course not. That's what I've been trying to tell you."

He opened his mouth to respond, but couldn't hold it back anymore. A sob escaped his lips, and that's all it took for the dam to break. The tears in his eyes cascaded down his cheeks, and he hung his head, quietly sobbing. He was done trying to hold it back; he couldn't do it anymore.

Olivia pulled him close, rocking him back and forth slowly.

"You're right." He choked out the admission between sobs. "About everything. I do care about you, I-I just… I'm just f-fucking pathetic, Olivia, I-I just can't… I can't admit it to myself." He sniffled, tried to pull himself back, but nothing could stop him now. "A-all's you try to do is just fucking… you're too goddamn nice to me, y-you fucking try to help me out, and…"

An especially heart-wrenching bout of sobs overcame him. He collapsed against the wall, then to the floor, covering his face with his hands. Olivia sunk to the floor next to him, pulled his head to her chest, and rubbed his back, desperately trying to comfort him.

"I just th-throw everything back in your face."

"El, I understand what you're going through." She said softly in his ear. "Trust me, I don't blame you for anything. It's okay."

Her response just made him cry harder. Once again, she proved what a better person she was. _What the hell did I do to deserve this?_

He sat in her embrace for what seemed like forever, and she continued to hold him, rubbed his back, and tried her best to comfort him. And, if he was being honest with himself, it helped. After trying so hard to convince himself that nothing she did could ever make him feel better, she did it just by being there for him.

Finally, he pulled back, took a deep breath, and scrubbed the tears away. She watched him for a moment, giving him space, waiting for a reaction. Finally, he got to his feet, and held out a hand to help her up.

"Sorry about that." He mumbled, avoiding her gaze.

"You're joking, right?" She asked. "Elliot, if I ask you to actually show me how you're feeling, you don't have to apologize for it. That's the point, I _wanted_ you to show me."

He crossed her arms, bouncing on his heels. She could see the embarrassment clearly written on his face.

Olivia sighed. "Listen, why don't you get cleaned up? A hot shower will probably do you good, and I'll call us both in. You could use another day off."

He nodded silently. She was right; there was no way he was going in to work today.

Just before she crossed over the threshold into the hallway, his voice stopped her. "Olivia?"

"Yeah?"

He still hadn't made eye contact with her. "Listen, I should probably thank you. I mean, you didn't have to stay here with me, and well, uh- I just wanted to tell you that, you know, I'm… I'm grateful for you. I mean, what you've done."

She smiled, and nodded. "Get cleaned up. I'll have coffee ready when you get out."

As the warm water beat down on him, all's he could do was think. He couldn't help but feel a pang of guilt as he thought about Kathy. _What would she say if she saw this? Me, giving part of my heart to someone else? _

_She would be happy for me, wouldn't she? After all, I'm just trying to be happy again. _

He cared about her more than he would have liked to admit. In fact, he'd flat out refused to admit it. But damn her, she wouldn't let him go until he accepted it. He would try with Olivia… he would try to push past his fear and anxiety for her. She deserved that much from him. And, if he was lucky, maybe he could repay her for everything she'd done for him.

* * *

**A/N:** Thanks a bunch for reading! More E/O is coming next, so stay tuned! As always, **review for a sneak peak of the next chapter.** Also, **follow me on Twitter Stabson10** for more sneak peaks/news, to chat with me directly, or just to be awesome ^-^

Have a great morning/afternoon/evening, and I hope you leave your comments in the box below! :)

-Stabson


	16. Chapter 16

A/N: I'd like to give shoutouts to **koolhorse83**, **Ficfriend** and **TheCongressman** for their stellar reviews last chapter. I'd also like to give a shoutout to PaperFrames, one of my most dedicated readers :) Thanks for being here since the beginning.

Also, if you want to read more awesome work, check out **"Strawberry Wine" by the PaperFrames**, and pretty much **anything by TheCongressman**. Anyway, on to the Chapter 16!

* * *

Olivia was making coffee when Elliot walked into the kitchen, dressed in a pair of sweats and a t-shirt. She turned towards him, and smiled. "Hey. Feeling better?"

He shrugged his shoulders, leaning against the counter across the room from her. "A bit."

"Here." She approached him, and held out a hot cup of coffee, which he took.

Elliot took a sip of the hot liquid. "Thanks."

They stood in silence for a long moment, sipping at their cups, each waiting for the other to say something. Finally, Elliot cleared his throat. "So, um... you wanted to talk about that kiss, didn't you?"

"We don't have to if you're not ready." Olivia said. "I just don't want us to feel uncomfortable around each other."

Elliot thumbed at the mug in his hand. "Well, you got me to admit my feelings." He mumbled. "You've got to understand where I'm coming from, Olivia, I… this whole thing is just… i-it scares me." He changed his mind immediately. "No, it doesn't _scare_ me, it's just…"

"Hey." She interrupted, approaching him. "I understand. You're not ready for this. What happened, it was in the heat of the moment, but that doesn't mean it wasn't real. Right?"

"I'd be a liar if I said it wasn't."

"Caring is nothing to be ashamed of." She said. "It's okay to be scared, I probably would be, too. But I'm right here beside you, and I'm not going anywhere unless you want me to. We'll take it one step at a time."

Elliot nodded slowly, feeling slightly reassured. She understood how he felt… hopefully that would be enough. He set the mug of coffee down on the counter, and pulled her towards him gently by the hand. She went willingly, confused and curious at the same time, until his arm wrapped hesitantly around her waist.

There was no denying it; he had feelings for her. He'd tried his hardest to ignore them, to push her away, to _scare_ her away, but nothing worked. Trying to fight it was just too exhausting.

Her arms wrapped around him in return, and she held him in a tight embrace.

"One step at a time." He breathed, arm tightening around her. "You, uh- you might be waiting a while."

Olivia moved her hands to his shoulders, and pulled back slightly so she could look him in the eye. "I know. And that's fine with me. Okay?"

He swallowed, and nodded. Mostly to himself, he whispered. "What did I do deserve someone like you in my life?"

"Don't think like that." She answered, squeezing his shoulder. "It's not about deserving anything."

"Then what _is_ it about?" He asked.

"What do you think it's about?"

"It's not about what I think."

Her hand skimmed down his arm, and grasped his. Though he seemed hesitant of the contact, he didn't pull away, which she was grateful for. "It's always about what you think."

Elliot took a deep breath as he pulled his hand away from hers and used both arms to lift himself into a sitting position on the counter. "I don't know."

She gave him some space, taking a few steps away to set her coffee cup into the sink. There was still some left, but it had turned cold by that point. She could feel his eyes on her every movement. When she turned back to him, though, his gaze fell to the floor.

"Do you need some time to yourself?" She asked. "I can go if you want me to."

She was surprised by how vehemently he shook his head. "No." Calming quickly, he continued. "I… would like if you stayed, if, you know… you want to."

"I'll stay, then." Olivia said.

Elliot nodded, and slipped off of the counter. "Good."

She smiled, staring at him for a moment. "So, what do you want to do?"

He shrugged, placing his cup in the sink next to hers. "I don't really have much of a movie collection; I pretty much got rid of them all when I moved out of the house. But I'm sure we can find something OnDemand or something. If it's okay with you, that is."

"That sounds great."

They sat next to each other on the couch, flipping through their options. He gave her control of the remote, letting her know that he really didn't care what they watched. It was maddening, really, because whenever she pointed out an option, he had the same response: a shrug, and "Doesn't matter to me, whatever you want". Finally, she selected "The Godfather", after seeing a slight twinkle in his eye when she mentioned it.

"I never figured you for an old time mafia movie kind of guy." She commented during the opening credits.

"Are you kidding me? The Godfather, GoodFellas, Casino… Classics." He said, throwing his feet up on the coffee table.

"Let me guess, your favorite actor must be Robert DiNero."

"Damn right."

She had to say, it was strange to see him actually happy and excited for something. It was just a movie, but it gave her hope for him. If he could be happy about something so simple, there was no reason he couldn't be happy about something more significant, right?

He settled as the opening scene played. She watched him through the corner of her eye as the focused intently on the screen. About halfway through, though, she noticed his posture begin to slump. His head dropped against the back of the couch, and his eyes partially closed. He was looking more and more exhausted as the minutes past.

"El?" She whispered, resting her hand on his thigh. She wasn't surprised at his exhaustion; after a rough night after drinking, he definitely needed some proper rest.

"Hm." He mumbled.

"Want to go lay down?" She asked, reaching for the remote to pause the movie. "It looks like you could use a nap."

"No, it's okay." He said, eyes opening slowly. "I'm awake."

Not even five minutes later, his head dropped against her shoulder. He was fast asleep. With one look at his relaxed features, she didn't have the heart to wake him. As long as he was getting his rest, it didn't matter _where_ he got it, right? Instead, she wrapped her arm around him, set her head against his, and simply drank it in.

She couldn't even describe her emotions in that moment. After seeing his pain and confusion the evening before and worrying all night, and the breakdown that she witnessed that morning, she could finally look at him and honestly say that both of them were okay. She wasn't sure how this man had managed to worm and wriggle his way into her heart after she kept it so closely guarded; he certainly didn't make any effort to. She just knew that, whenever she looked at him, her heart skipped a beat. She felt for him; the pain that he displayed was slowly becoming her own.

He wasn't perfect by any means. He was damaged, he'd been burned as badly as someone _could_ be burned, but maybe that was why she was so drawn to him. They had that in common.

She took the rare moment to press a kiss to his forehead, and closed her eyes. She could use a nap as well, and there was nowhere else she'd rather do it.

* * *

When Elliot awoke, he was laying on his back across the couch. The early afternoon light poured in through the window, bathing him and the woman resting on his chest in warmth. In his sleep, he had wrapped his right arm around her waist.

The first time he'd woken up in a situation like this, he'd been mortified, apprehensive and nervous all at the same time, not just at the idea of waking up in her arms, but what it made him feel, as well. This time, though some of the fear was still at the forefront, his feelings couldn't be ignored. It felt better than he imagined to be here, with her.

His hand moved on it's own accord. His fingers tangled through her soft auburn locks, and his other arm tightened around her waist as a foreign emotion filled his heart.

_Not foreign, _he thought. _There's one other person you've felt this with. _

He couldn't help the tears that formed in his eyes. The pain, the love, they were all wrapped together in one. He wasn't sure where one stopped and the other began.

So wrapped up in his own emotions, Elliot was unaware as Olivia started to stir.

"El?" She whispered, feeling warm tears fall onto her shoulder. "You okay?"

"I'm fine." He said. "I'm just… I just need to…"

She tried to sit up, or even turn so she could see his face, but his arm anchored her in place.

"Please." He whispered. "I'm okay, I just have to… just stay with me."

"Of course." She squeezed the hand that gripped her waist, trying her best to let him know without words that she was there for him.

After a long moment, he released her. "I'm sorry if I woke you."

She turned towards him. "You didn't. It's okay."

Elliot nodded, glancing towards the TV, which was still on. "We never got a chance to finish the movie."

"Excuse me, _I_ watched the whole thing." She said. "It's just _someone_ decided to take a nap halfway though."

He chuckled, reaching for the remote to press the power button. "Okay, you're right."

"Besides, it's not like you can't recite the whole thing from memory, anyway. I heard you mumbling the lines over there."

"I told you, greatest movie of all time." He said, slipping out from under her. Taking a moment to stretch, he asked, "Want something to drink?"

"Depends. Got anything in that fridge besides beer?" She teased.

"No, but I have a couple bottles of booze in the cabinet. How about some whiskey?" He fired back.

"Bleh." She made a face as he walked into the kitchen. A moment later, he returned with two bottles of water.

"How's this?"

"Slightly better."

He sat down next to her, twisting off the cap to the bottle and smiling. "You know, I can take it back, ungrateful woman."

"And what is that supposed to mean?" She asked, huffing.

"Exactly what I said." He answered, setting his bottle down. There was a mischievous glint in his eyes when he looked at her.

"If you keep talking like that, you're going to regret it." She warned.

"Oh, I'm so scared." He teased. "What's Badass Benson going to do?"

"Keep it up, and you'll see."

He couldn't help himself. He swiped the bottle out of her hand, and took a long gulp. "Hey, you have your own!"

"As I recall, I never got a thank you for this one." He said, holding the bottle out of her reach as she tried to grab it. Thankfully, he had the mind to cap the bottle, because before he knew what was happening, she had grabbed him and shoved him back on the couch.

"You know, I've got about fifty pounds on you." He said, overtaking her with a bit of a struggle. Somehow, she ended up on her back, squirming as she tried to get out from under his grasp. "What now?"

He laughed as she squirmed some more, and whined, "El! Get off of me!"

Her defiant gaze pierced him as he looked down at her. _There it is again. The… whatever it is. _He didn't want to admit it was love; that was too real. It was definitely something, though, something that wasn't going away.

Taking advantage of his distraction, Olivia easily turned the tables. Before he knew what was happening, she was straddling him triumphantly. "What now for you?"

He wasn't fazed. In fact, his mind was still in the same place. Without thinking, his hands gripped her waist as he looked up at her.

It didn't take long for her to sense his change in mood. The smile on her face disappeared. "Everything okay?"

He swallowed the lump in his throat, and nodded. "Everything's good."

"Good." She answered softly. She went to move off of him, but he stopped her.

"It's okay." He said. "I want to… I mean…"

She placed a finger over his lips, silencing him. "I understand."

He moved her hand away, heart racing in his chest. He knew what he wanted, but he was almost too scared to ask for it. Finally, the words came out of his mouth before he could stop them. "Kiss me." He remembered what their first kiss had been like… he wanted more than anything to feel that again. He wasn't going to run away this time.

Olivia was shocked. Screwing around, hugging, falling asleep on her shoulder, all of that was almost safe. But a kiss? That was a point of no return. She wasn't going to deny him, though. He was sober, and he was asking for it.

She complied, leaning down slowly and gently pressing their lips together.

He wasn't disappointed by the kiss. It was just as incredible, just as satisfying as the first… maybe even better, now that he knew she wasn't going anywhere. He couldn't believe how amazing this one woman made him feel. She made him feel like an entirely new person, like his past didn't matter, like all the pain and hurt was a distant memory.

They broke apart slowly, and he took a moment to look into her eyes. He didn't know how she could be so confident about all of this... he wished more than anything that he could be the same.

_Just give it some time_, he reminded himself.

She slowly got off of him, and pulled him into a sitting position

"What do you say, want to see another mafia movie?" Elliot asked. "We can probably find The Godfather: Part II somewhere on here."

She smiled softly at him. "Alright, one more, as long as you promise not to fall asleep on me again. After that, I should probably get going."

He nodded once. "Sounds like a deal."

They were able to find the film, much to Elliot's satisfaction. As they settled back into the couch to watch, a smile graced his lips. For the first time in a while, he was genuinely happy, and it was all thanks to the woman sitting next to him.

* * *

A/N: Thanks for reading, everyone :) Like always, your feedback is simply awesome and I love every word of it. I'm truly lucky to have such dedicated readers :) Send me a review for a sneak peak of the next chapter! I promise, things are going to get interesting. Another first for El and Liv is on the way... :)

Also, **if you have Twitter, follow me Stabson10** for quick peaks, updates, or just to talk :)

-Stabson


	17. Chapter 17

A/N: Hey, everyone! I'd like to thank **PaperFrames, FayeVDM and TheCongressman** for their especially awesome reviews last chapter. And thanks to every one else, as well. I love getting all the great feedback! Anyway, here's the next chapter, and I hope you guys enjoy.

* * *

"Hey, El, want to grab something to eat?" Olivia asked. It was the next afternoon. He stood in front of the whiteboard, trying to make connections out of the mess in front of him. They'd caught a rape case earlier in the morning, and were currently waiting on fingerprints to come back.

"Sure." He answered. His head was spinning from staring at the information for too long; he could definitely use a lunch break.

Per usual, they walked down to the café across the street, and grabbed a table next to the window.

"So, what's up?" He asked after the waitress gave them their drinks, an iced tea for her and a Coke for him.

She took a moment to look at him, trying to think of a good way to broach the subject. "I just wanted to talk."

Nervousness flashed across his face, but he hid it quickly, taking a drink from his cup and nodding. "About what?"

Olivia shrugged. "Whatever's on your mind."

Elliot took a deep breath, and crossed his arms. "There's a lot on my mind, it might take a while to tell you everything."

"There must be something you want to talk about." She paused as their waitress set down the detectives' meals in front of them. That's one of the reasons they loved the café; the service was fast and cheap. "I'm here to listen."

Elliot's gaze dropped to his plate, and he reached for his pastrami sandwich. He took a large bite, chewing slowly to take the time to think. Finally, he said, "Will you come to dinner with me?"

"What?" That was the last thing she was expecting him to say.

He fiddled with his watch for a moment. "You know, dinner. I'll take you out, and um… we can eat, drink. You'll like it, we can talk all we want."

She took a deep breath. "El… you don't have to force anything that you're not ready for. You know that, right? I told you, I'll take it as slow as you want."

"I know." He answered. "But… it's just dinner, right? Anyway, I figure I owe you for putting up with me. So, will you come?"

He was finally looking up at her, so she took the moment to search his eyes. She saw how much he cared, and how hard he was trying, but she also saw that his assurance was wavering. He was definitely still nervous. The only difference now was that he was trying his best to push past it.

"I'd like that." Olivia said, nodding.

A genuine smile spread across his face. "Great. How about tonight?"

"I'm not busy."

"Pick you up at seven?"

"Okay." She could hardly believe what Elliot was saying to her; she didn't think this would happen nearly this fast or easy.

* * *

Elliot stood in front of his closet, staring at all the clothes that hung inside. He hadn't been on a date in almost fifteen years; to be honest, he didn't know if he remembered how to do it. Asking Olivia out had been a spur of the moment action; he didn't realize he was doing it until the words were already coming out of his mouth. That didn't mean he regretted it, though. On the contrary, he was actually excited.

_Excited_, he repeated in his mind. _It's been a long time since I've been excited about anything._

Finally, he took out a pair of slacks and a gray button-up shirt. After dressing, he examined himself in the bathroom mirror, and sighed. He looked way too stiff. He released the top two buttons on his shirt, untucked it, and rolled his sleeves up to his elbows. Much better.

"Okay." He said aloud, shrugging on his jacket. He fixed his collar in the mirror, and turned towards the door. "Here I go."

Olivia's bedroom was covered in clothes. She was in the closet, throwing things over her shoulder, searching frantically for something to wear.

She really wasn't expecting her sudden invitation at lunch. Hell, she was pretty sure _he_ wasn't expecting it either, but she was thrilled that he asked. Checking her watch, she growled, realizing that he would be there in only twenty minutes.

She shoved aside several work shirts, and smiled brightly when she saw the perfect outfit.

There was a bounce in Elliot's step as he walked down the hallway towards Olivia's apartment. When he reached her door, he took a moment to fix his jacket before knocking.

His breathing caught in his chest as it opened. Olivia wore a black top that accentuated all the right places that showed just the right amount of cleavage and a pair of jeans that looked like they were tailor made to fit her body.

"Wow." He breathed. "You look… great."

Olivia smiled, thinking the same thoughts herself. Unlike at work, his dress shirt was untucked, and fit perfectly. It was buttoned just low enough to catch a sliver of the top of his chest.

"Thank you." She answered, smiling. "You don't look so bad yourself."

He grinned. "After you."

They walked down the hall together, and he stabbed the button for the elevator with his thumb.

"So, where are we going?" She asked.

He shrugged, leaning against the wall of the elevator. "I can't tell you that. Ruins the surprise."

Olivia rolled her eyes playfully, smiling. "Oh, come on, El, you have to tell me."

"No, I don't." He answered, crossing his arms. "You're just gonna have to wait."

She sighed as they stepped off the elevator and he led her to his car. "Alright, fine."

* * *

Elliot pulled into a parking space along the sidewalk, and turned the ignition off. She was about to open the door, but he was there almost immediately, opening it for her.

"Thanks." She said, taking his hand as she got out.

"No problem." he answered.

"Central Park?" Olivia asked, glancing across the street. "What, did you bring me here to drown me in the pond?"

"Damn, you figured me out." He answered, smiling as they walked down the sidewalk. "Now I'm gonna have to figure out a new plan."

He opened the door of the restaurant for her, and they walked inside.

"I've never been here before." Olivia said after they had been seated by the hostess. It was a small place, not super crowded, but the white tablecloth and fine silverware let her know that it was by no means a cheap little dive.

He shrugged, opening his menu. "I used to come here quite a bit. Haven't been back in a while, though, didn't really have anyone to come with."

"Well, you have me, now." Olivia said, taking a look at the menu. "But only if the food's good."

Elliot chuckled, looking down at the printed page. "Don't worry, it's good. Try either the bolognese or the carbonara."

The waitress returned with their drinks, and Olivia took his advice. She ordered the bolognese. He smiled, and chose spaghetti carbonara.

"So, you never answered my question at lunch." She said after they got their food. "What's on your mind?"

Elliot shrugged, slurping down a piece of pasta. "We've talked enough about that, Liv. Trust me, I'll let you know if something's going on. I'd like to just… talk. Know what I mean?"

"Of course." She said, smiling. "Let's just talk, then."

That's where he stumbled. What did people talk about on a first date? Then again, they already knew quite a bit about each other, so did that change things?

"That nurse." Olivia said suddenly. "That was talking to you during out first case together. Who was she?"

Elliot cleared his throat, taking a moment to take a sip of his drink. "She was one of Kathy's friends. We knew each other pretty well before… well, you know."

"Oh." Her heart sunk. "I'm sorry. I didn't mean to bring it up."

He shook his head, giving her a small smile. "It's okay. It's, uh… it's getting a little easier to talk about. Cragen was right about that therapy, it is helping. And so are you."

"That's all I want." She told him.

He nodded once, then turned back towards the meal in front of him. "I didn't even ask you. You like Italian, right? What's your favorite?"

"I love Italian." She assured. "I think it is actually my favorite."

"Good. I just couldn't pass this place up, they have great food, and the park right across the street… I thought it'd be good."

"El." She said. "You could have taken me to McDonald's, it wouldn't matter. I just like spending time with you."

"Really?" He asked, smiling.

"Well, maybe not McDonald's." She joked, smiling back.

Her smile was beautiful. A familiar emotion rose in his throat, but this time, he didn't try to push it back down.

_This feels good. Being with her feels good._

* * *

"That was delicious." Olivia said as they walked out of the restaurant. "Thank you for taking me here, El."

"Thank you for coming with me." He answered. "C'mon, let's take a walk."

The pair walked across the street to the park, and their arms linked together as they started down the path.

"So." She said. "Tell me something else about you."

"Like what?" He asked, kicking a pebble off of the sidewalk as they went.

"I dunno. Where did you go to college?"

"Queens College." He answered. "I went to night school after the Marines, and then the police academy. What about you?"

"Siena." She answered. "Your turn."

"My turn?" Elliot asked.

"Yeah, your turn. You don't think I'm going to ask all the questions, do you?"

Elliot chuckled. "Alright, alright. Let's see… Jesus Christ, I don't know. When's your birthday?"

"Really, El? That's the question you're dying to know the answer to? When my birthday is?" He answered with a shrug, and she sighed playfully. "January 23rd. When is yours?"

"October 20th."

"What's your greatest achievement?" Olivia asked. "Besides having me as a partner, of course."

He was silent for a moment. "I dunno. Nothing, really."

"Oh, come on, El, there's gotta be something."

Elliot shrugged, dropping his gaze to the ground in front of them. "Surviving boot camp, maybe. Making detective. What would you do with a million bucks?"

"Buy a new apartment." She said. "And probably donate the rest. I'm not sure."

* * *

Over an hour later, they arrived back at Elliot's car. Their whole walk had consisted of the question and answer game, and Elliot had to admit, it was one of the best nights he'd ever had. He was sad to see it come to an end.

"Thanks for coming out with me." He said. "I had a great night."

She smiled back at him. "I should be the one thanking you. I had a really good time."

"That's what I was hoping for." He murmured, glancing down as their fingers intertwined. "I hope… we can do it again sometime."

Olivia nodded. "I hope so, too."

His hand slipped out of hers, and cupped her cheek gently. His heart was racing, mind screaming at him to stop, but he didn't. He couldn't. Her deep, chocolate eyes were beautiful, tantalizing, magnetic… they pulled him in and refused to let go. She looked right back into his oceanic orbs, raising her own hand to cover his. Without speaking, she was telling him that everything was okay. It was okay for him to feel like this, to do this, because she was feeling the same way. She was the first person to make him feel safe in what felt like a very long time.

Elliot was leaning forward before he even knew it. Their lips grew closer and closer, and finally pressed together in a sweet, gentle kiss.

It only lasted a moment, but it was all that he needed. As they broke apart, a small smile twitched across his lips. "See you tomorrow, then?"

She nodded. "Yeah."

Elliot waited until she was inside of the apartment building before pulling away. With that one kiss that he had initiated, he felt as if he was falling faster and harder than ever. He needed to find a way to catch himself before it was too late.

* * *

Hours later, he lay in bed, staring at the ceiling. His mind was racing with thoughts of her… where their relationship was going, how serious it really was, and how long she would stick around before she got sick of him and left.

_She said she would never do that, remember? _

_That doesn't mean shit. She says that now, but what's going to happen in a couple of months? I doubt she'll be so gung ho about waiting for your sorry ass. _

Sighing heavily, he threw back the blankets and rolled out of bed. He was way too wired to actually get some sleep, so he threw on some clothes, grabbed his keys and left the lonely apartment. Maybe a run was what he needed.

The hallways were silent and void of life. He wasn't surprised; it was almost four o'clock in the morning on a weeknight, and everyone in their right mind was sleeping except for him.

The air was chilly when he walked outside, but it didn't matter. He let the door swing shut and took off.

At the crosswalk up ahead, he saw a young man and woman together. Their hands were clasped together, and he was leaning in close, saying something in her ear. She burst out laughing before pressing a passionate kiss to his lips. A small smile crossed his lips as he remembered Olivia's hand wrapped in his own, how their bodies fit so perfectly together when they hugged, and when they kissed… he didn't realize that a simple action could make him feel so incredible, so new.

He wondered if he could ever love someone else like he loved Kathy. Was it even possible?

Elliot's pace quickened. His sneakers slapping on the concrete were among the only sounds surrounding him. How exactly did he even feel about Olivia? How did she feel about him? It was definitely more than partners should feel, he knew that much. He also knew that it wasn't just a friendship, either. They said that they 'cared' about each other… but how much?

He didn't have those answers, so he just kept running. He ran, and hoped that it would bring him closer to clearing his confused mind.

At the first intersection he came to, he realized that he did need- not just wanted- someone in his life again. Someone to hold, to kiss, and to confide in. At the next intersection, he realized that person could very well be Olivia. After all, she'd done a brilliant job at it already.

As he ran passed a bodega on the corner, he realized that he could trust Olivia, no matter what. It was time to stop hiding from her, only giving part of himself to her. At the next red light, as he stopped for a moment to catch his breath, he realized that, no, his family wouldn't be mad at him for trying to move on and be happy again. They loved him too much for that.

The sun was just starting to peak over the horizon when he stopped running, and turned back towards home. He knew that his life would never be the same. The road would be bumpy, tough, and it would take a lot of patience, but he had a feeling, if Olivia stuck with him and he really worked on it, there would come a moment where he would be truly happy again. It was only a matter of time.

* * *

A/N: Thanks so much for reading. I figured this was the perfect place to end it. In fact this would be the perfect place to end the whole story, but I figured that you guys deserve way more E/O, haha :) So, **review and receive a sneak peak of the next chapter**! It'll be a good one, so** you definitely don't want to miss it** :)

Also, follow me on Twitter Stabson10. Have a great morning/afternoon/evening!

-Stabson


	18. Chapter 18

A/N: Hey, everyone! Sorry about the long(ish) wait for this chapter. I've made it up to you by making this absolute monster. I think this is my record for the longest chapter I've ever written. Anyway, I'd like to thank **Cinderella1268** and **SVUlover13** for their especially amazing reviews. I'd also like to thank everyone else who left their comments; they all make writing totally worth it. It's great to know how much you guys love the story :)

Okay, I'll stop talking now! Enjoy!

* * *

"It's good to see you back here." Doctor Reilly said as Elliot sat down across from her and loosened his tie. "After our last session, I wasn't sure I would."

"Sorry about that." Elliot said sheepishly. "I just… wasn't liking what I was hearing, and everything just got… overwhelming."

"Overwhelming how?" She asked.

He took a deep breath, gathering his thoughts. "You were telling me the exact things that I didn't want to hear, about Olivia, and…" He took a deep breath. "I didn't know how to handle it."

"How are you handling it now?"

"Better." Elliot said. "Olivia wouldn't let me go without talking to her about what happened, and… we hashed it out."

"So you two are okay now." When Reilly was answered with a nod, she said, "And how are you feeling?"

He had to think about that question for a moment. "I think… I'm fine."

Reilly nodded. "Could you tell me what happened between the two of you?"

"We, uh…" God, why was it so hard for him to say this? He wasn't embarrassed, and he definitely wasn't ashamed, but yet… it was almost too strange to believe. Dating after Kathy was never even a thought in his head. "We talked, and I guess I… came to terms with the fact that my feelings aren't going to change. I just let her know how I felt."

"And what did she say?"

A small smile twitched across his face as he rubbed his hands together. "She feels the same."

When he looked up at her, he could tell that she was trying to find a way to word her next comment. Finally, she said. "And how does that make you feel?"

"Scared." He admitted, lowering his gaze once again. "But also… happy."

"Do you want to pursue a relationship with Olivia?"

Elliot sighed. Boy, was that a loaded question. He didn't even know where to start his answer. "We went out on a date. I asked her to dinner." He said finally. "And it was… I really had fun. Told her I'd like to see her again."

Reilly nodded. "Why are you scared, Elliot?"

"I know she's not going to hurt me on purpose." He mumbled. "I just… can't shake the feeling that… it'll happen anyway. I couldn't handle that."

He watched her jot something down on her notepad. "You've experienced far more pain than anyone should ever should." She said gently. "But drowning yourself in fear is no way to live. It's completely natural to experience some, of course, but if you want to move on, you really need to try your best to put it behind you."

Elliot nodded. "I know, and I'm trying, but…"

"It's hard, isn't it?" Reilly finished for him. "I never said it wouldn't be. But it seems like Olivia could be good for you. I can tell you care for her quite a bit."

"How can I do it?" He whispered, looking up at her. "How am I supposed to…?"

Reilly's heart sunk when she saw the pain and the confusion in his eyes. He just wanted to shed these emotions he felt. "There's no way to completely protect yourself from pain." She told him. "You have to accept that it can happen, and if it does, the only thing you can do is move on. Pain is a part of life, no matter how hard you try to avoid it."

Elliot wiped at his eyes as he leaned back on the couch. Deep down, he knew that she was absolutely right, but at the surface, there was nothing he wanted to do more than get off that couch and run like hell.

"I'm done running. I don't know what it is about Olivia, but…" Elliot took a shaky breath. "She makes me feel different. Like… what happened doesn't matter." A lump formed in his throat and tears threatened to spill over. He wasn't sure why he was on the verge of tears, but he was determined to keep them at bay. "Being with her helps take the pain away. And even if it's just for a little while, if it ends badly… I think it will be worth it."

Reilly smiled. Her patient was heading towards a major breakthrough, and she couldn't be any happier for him. "So you're going to see her again."

Elliot nodded. "Yeah, I think so."

He was definitely still nervous, but just thinking about his time with her made him feel better. Life is nothing without taking risks, and a risk on Olivia didn't seem so bad.

* * *

"How did it go last night?" Olivia asked the next morning. They both sat at their desks, working on DD-5s from the case they had just closed. He'd left work a half hour earlier than usual the night before to make it to his appointment on time.

Elliot shrugged, signing his name to the bottom of the form. "Alright, I guess."

"What did you guys talk about?" When he hesitated answering her, she added quickly, "You don't have to tell me if you don't want to."

"You." He said finally, focused on writing at the top of his next form.

"Me?" Olivia repeated, dropping her pen as she looked up at him.

"Yup."

"Why?"

Elliot twirled his pen between his fingers. "Well, you're a part of my life now. Of course I'd bring you up."

Olivia nodded. "She give you any good tips?"

"Sure did." He said. "In fact, you should drive over there yourself and thank her."

"Should I, now?" She smiled, turning back to her paperwork. "Care to elaborate?"

"Sure, if you let me take you to lunch."

"Well, how could I refuse?"

It was a slow day, so Elliot and Olivia chose the diner across the street from the precinct at noon. They got their drinks, ordered their meals, and sat in a comfortable silence for a few minutes, looking out the window as crowds of people walked by.

"Remember that conversation we had at the bar?" He asked suddenly.

She turned towards him. "Of course. Why?" She could see his nervousness immediately. "You okay?"

"What? Of course, I'm fine. I just… well, do you remember what you told me?"

Her eyebrows furrowed for a moment. "Yeah. I told you that you should watch football because you told me you used to like them. What brought that up?"

"Well," He began, reaching into his jacket. "After our night together, I was thinking, and I decided… I really do miss going to the games, so I bought myself a ticket. And since we both enjoyed our time together… I was wondering if you wanted to come with me."

He pulled out two tickets, and set them down on the table.

She'd never been to a football game in her entire life. To be honest, she'd never even watched a game full through. But if he wanted to take her to one, she wouldn't say no. After all, it was a chance to spend more time with him, and learn about something that he enjoyed.

"I'd love to go with you." She said, a smile spreading across her face. "That sounds great, El. When is it?"

"Sunday." He answered, smiling back widely. "I made sure to pick a day we weren't on call. Is that okay?"

"That's perfect." She said, reaching across the table to squeeze his hand. "I'm really glad you decided to go."

Elliot replaced the tickets back into his pocket. He had went online and bought the tickets on a whim, without really thinking whether or not she'd say yes, but he was incredible happy she did. He hadn't been to a game in a year and a half, hadn't even been following his team. He just seemed to lose interest; after everything that happened, he just couldn't seem to care about something with such little meaning. However, after hearing it from Olivia and taking with Doctor Reilly, he remembered that those activities made life interesting. He was going to keep living, and he was going to try his best to enjoy it, like he used to. Having Olivia in his life was the first step, and getting back into football was another one.

* * *

"Looking good." Olivia said as Elliot opened the door of the apartment. He wore jeans, a Jets football jersey, and the leather jacket with the team's logo on the back that he'd gotten a couple of years ago. "But I don't think you have enough Jets logos on, yet."

He smirked, whipping out his Jets hat. "What about this? Enough yet?"

Olivia rolled her eyes playfully. "I guess."

"I may have too much, but you are definitely lacking." Elliot said, looking her over. His partner was dressed in her own pair of jeans and a comfortable t-shirt.

"Sorry, there's a lack of green in my closet at the moment." She answered, smiling.

"Don't worry about it." He said, beckoning her into the bedroom. "I've got a couple more. I'll lend you one. Don't want you to be the only one at the game without team apparel."

She followed him, and watched as he reached up towards the top shelf in the closet.

"Shit," He cursed as another box fell from its place. "Want to grab that for me?"

"Sure." She answered, reaching for the box. During the fall, it had opened, and some of the contents spewed out. As she went to clean up the mess, something strange caught her eye. It was a polished brown frame, with a medal on a blue ribbon mounted onto it. She knew immediately what it was.

"El." She said, picking it up slowly. "This is… a Medal of Honor?"

He set the small box in his hands down, and glanced at what she was looking at. "Hm? Oh… yeah, that's it."

Elliot went to take it from her, but she pulled it out of his reach. "You never told me about this. How come it's shoved in a box at the top of your closet?"

He shrugged, shoving his hands into his pockets. "It never came up. I had it in my office when I still lived in the house, but when I moved… I guess I just forgot about it."

"You _forgot_ about your Medal of Honor?" She almost couldn't believe it.

"If you haven't noticed, I really don't have any decorations in this place." Elliot said, gesturing towards the wall, which were in fact, bare. He opened the box, and handed her a green Jets t-shirt. "Here you go."

"Will you tell me how you got it?" Olivia asked as she took the shirt.

Elliot pulled at the collar of his jersey. "If you really want to know… I guess I could. Just not now; if we don't leave soon we're going to hit all the really bad traffic."

Olivia nodded. "Alright."

* * *

The parking lot of the stadium had an atmosphere that Olivia had never felt before. Thousands of people were just hanging out, playing music, barbecuing, and waiting for to enter the stadium for the game. Once Elliot pulled into a spot, he got out, and produced an old, worn football.

"What do you say? Want to throw it around for a few? We have plenty of time."

"El, I've never thrown a football in my entire life!" She said, laughing.

He shrugged. "That's okay. It's not that hard, I'll teach you."

She saw the glint in his eyes, and just couldn't refuse him. "Fine, I'll try it."

His teachings didn't help her much in the way of throwing the football. While he threw a near perfect spiral to her, when she threw it, the ball wobbled in the air and barely made it back over to him. They threw the ball back and forth a few times, before Elliot finally took mercy on her. He chuckled, saying, "Alright, alright. That's enough."

He tossed the ball into the back of his car. "C'mon, let's head over. I'll take you to the pro shop and buy you some of your own gear."

* * *

Olivia lifted a jersey off of the rack, and her jaw dropped. "Jesus, a hundred bucks for a _shirt_?"

"A shirt with Chad Pennington's name on it." Elliot answered. "Over here, there's some more affordable stuff."

Olivia flipped through the rack of clothing for a moment, still shocked by the prices. _Who pays this much for this stuff? _

Finally, she gave up, and turned around, but Elliot had disappeared.

"El?" She called, looking around. Where the hell did he go?

She began to worry after he still didn't respond. Well, what the hell was she supposed to do now?

"Hey there." Elliot said, appearing out from behind her. He took a green knit hat with a Jets logo out from behind his back, and slipped it onto her head. "Bought you something."

He stepped back, and smiled, nodding once. "Perfect."

"Thank you." Olivia said. "You didn't have to buy me anything."

"I know." He said, heading towards the exit. "But I wanted to. C'mon, let's get to our seats."

Elliot spent the first quarter of the game explaining all of the rules to her. Since he invited her to the game, she'd looked online, tried to get down as much as possible, and she could tell he was thoroughly impressed.

The Jets ended up losing to the Patriots, 21 to 14. Surprisingly, it really didn't faze Elliot. He had so much fun with the woman sitting next to him that the outcome of the game just didn't seem to matter. They waited until their row was pretty much empty before standing and making their way to one of the exits.

Unlike on the way to the stadium, the traffic out was extremely heavy, so by the time they reached Elliot's apartment, it was past eleven o'clock.

"Ugh, that was brutal." Elliot said, dropping his jacket onto the coat rack. He collapsed onto the couch, sighing. "Thanks for coming, though. I had a great time."

"Even though your team lost?" Olivia asked, collapsing next to him.

"Eh, didn't matter so much. I just enjoyed being there," He hesitated, "with you."

She smiled, taking a moment to look at him. "I had a good time, too. I should probably get going, though. It's getting pretty late."

"Why don't you stay?" The words came out of his mouth before he could think about them. "I mean, it is pretty late. Just crash here for the night. If you want to, of course."

The offer was enticing. It was late, she was tired, and really didn't feel like going all the way back to her apartment. "Are you sure?"

"Yeah, why not? I'll make up the bed for you, and I'll crash out here on the couch." He got to his feet, but she hesitated.

"I don't want to put you out of your own bed, El."

He waved her off. "Eh, I don't care, I've slept on that couch before. It's comfortable."

Finally, she said. "Okay. Thank you."

He gave her a smile as he reached the bedroom door. "No problem. Hang tight for a few, throw on the TV, if you want. I'll be done in a minute."

Olivia had only been to his apartment a few times, and she was surprised by how comfortable she was in it. Simply being around him made her comfortable.

He returned a moment later, a pillow and blanket in his hands. "All yours. I don't know about you, but I'm beat. I think I'm gonna crash. I left something for you to change into on the bed."

Olivia stood, and leaned up, pressing a kiss to his cheek. "Thank you. For a great afternoon, and for letting me stay."

"My pleasure." He said. "Goodnight, Liv."

"Goodnight."

Elliot watched as Olivia headed into the bedroom, and smiled as he spread the blanket across the couch. A sigh fell from his lips as he collapsed onto the cushions. He didn't even have the time to think; almost as soon as his head hit the pillow, he knocked out.

The next morning, he awoke to light streaming through the window onto his face. During the night, he had pulled the blanket over him, and rolled onto his side, facing the wall. Yawning, he got off of the couch and headed for the kitchen to make some coffee. The lights were still all off and his bedroom door was closed, so he assumed that Olivia was still sleeping.

He opened the window and lit up a cigarette before starting in on making coffee. The microwave clock read ten o'clock, which shocked him. He hadn't slept this late in a very long time. He blew a puff of smoke out the window, and turned, replacing the cigarette between his lips just as Olivia emerged from the bedroom. She looked just as good as she did last night; she wore her jeans and the t-shirt he lent her the night before, a navy blue NYPD t-shirt.

"Morning, sleepy head." He greeted, setting his cigarette down in the ashtray. "I'm making coffee."

"Morning." She answered, sitting down at the breakfast bar facing him. "How'd you sleep?"

"Well, my back hurts. There was a spring digging into my side all night, and I almost fell trying to roll over." He joked, shit-eating grin on his face.

"Oh, fuck you!" She exclaimed jokingly. "You offered to sleep there, jerk."

Elliot laughed. "I'm just kidding. I slept great. What about you?"

"Good." She answered. Elliot set down a cup in front of her. "Thanks."

"Mhm." He answered, taking a sip of his own.

"So, are you going to tell me about that medal in your closet?" Olivia asked.

Elliot pursed his lips, and nodded, setting down his cup. "If you're sure you want to know. It's… not a very nice story, Liv."

A small smile came across her face. "El, when have you told me a _nice_ story? I promise, I can handle it."

He nodded, and stood, nodding towards the bedroom. "C'mon, then."

Olivia followed him into the bedroom, and watched as he took down the familiar box. He sat on the floor, legs crossed, beckoning for her to do the same. When he took out the medal, she couldn't help but notice how gentle he was. It was as if he was handling glass. She took it from him as he held it out to her. The gold was smooth, untarnished, and looked as if he never even really touched it.

"It looked like something out of a picture book." He said, scooting back to lean against the bed. He drew his legs to his chest, resting both arms over them. His eyes were on her, but she could tell that he was seeing something completely different. "We got off that plane and there was… nothing. Sand for miles and miles. And the heat… I felt like I was walking around in an oven."

Her eyes were glued to him. She knew that he needed to ease into this; it couldn't be easy for him to talk about.

"At first, I didn't think anything was going to happen at all. It was all about this defensive position bullshit. There was this massive air campaign. We wanted to destroy as much key military targets as possible. The guys in my unit never thought ground troops were gonna get any action. Well, that changed pretty quickly." Elliot took a deep breath."I need a beer. Want one?"

"El, it's not even noon." She said.

"You wanted me to share. This is part of talking about it." Elliot said, disappearing beyond the doorway. He returned a moment later, carrying a beer for him and a water for her.

"Thanks." She said, taking the bottle when he handed it to her.

He nodded, sitting back down on the floor. "Anyway, what was I saying?"

"You were talking about things changing pretty quickly." She reminded gently.

"Right." He took the top off the beer, and took a swig. "Well, we were on the border, taking artillery fire for months. Constantly, at all hours of the day and night I could hear them. They never advanced, never pulled back, just sat in their position and fired on us. We knew they had Scuds, chemicals… I'd wake up in the middle of the night reaching for my gas mask. Anyway, my buddy's name was Scott. He had parents and a wife in Sacramento."

_Was. Had. _Olivia immediately knew where this story was going, and her heart sunk.

"Well, we got the orders to advance into Kuwait. We were supposed to be a decoy for the real action, armored forces to the west. It didn't seem like it to us, with the shit we had to go through. There were these trenches and barbed wire, and… things were just… exploding around us. Minefields." This is where things got hard. He took a deep breath, swallowed down another gulp of beer, and continued, "Scott was in front of me. We couldn't have been too much further than you and I sit now. All the sudden, I heard this loud bang. This red, sticky stuff hit my face, I dropped to the ground… and before I even saw what was in front of me… I knew what happened. Scott… or, really, what was left of him… was on the ground in front of me. He was…" Elliot cleared his throat. "He hit one of the mines. There was no way… that he could have survived."

"Jesus, El." Olivia whispered, scooting over to him. She reached for his hand, and he didn't refuse her.

"So, there I'm standing, in the middle of a war zone, with my best friend blown to pieces and his blood covering my face. I… grabbed his dog tags and shoved them into my pocket. I knew that… I couldn't think about it then, I had to keep moving or I'd end up just like him… so I did. I promised myself that for the rest of the time I was over there, I wasn't gonna let any more of my buddies die."

"Did you succeed?" She asked quietly.

He shrugged, giving her a small smile. "I tried my best to. We ended up fighting our way to the airport. I've got to put this into context for you, Liv. Up to this point, the Iraqis pretty much surrendered whenever we came across them. They'd fight a little bit, then just give up. At the airport… it wasn't anything like that. They were not going to give that up unless they were dead. And they wanted to kill us all. I guess they hadn't received the orders to surrender." He pulled the box over, and reached for something inside. Olivia watched as he pulled out a piece of singed, tan material. His hand was shaking when he handed it to her.

"What is this?" Olivia whispered, gripping the piece. She was almost too afraid to know.

"We were pinned down. They surrounded us." He wasn't even looking at her anymore; he was lost in the memory. He could still smell the gunpowder, the blood, and the sweat. His ears were still ringing from the bullets: the snapping and cracking as they closed in, the wet slap as fellow Marines were hit, the cries of pain and shock from both sides. "All's I was thinking was that I couldn't see another one of my buddies die. And I didn't want to die. Everything happened so fast… I heard something hit the ground, and when I looked over, it was a grenade, right in the middle of our unit."

Suddenly, the object in Olivia's hands made sense; she didn't want to hear anymore, but there was no going back at this point. She wanted to know, and now he was telling her.

"I didn't even know what I was doing until I'd already done it. I yelled 'grenade', but there really wasn't anywhere for us to go without exposing ourselves to enemy fire. I… ripped off my helmet, and…" Elliot took a deep breath, squeezing her hand. "It was an older grenade, and it wasn't as powerful. If it hadn't been, I probably wouldn't be sitting here with you. I covered it with my helmet just in time."

"My God." Olivia whispered. Only now was she realizing what a miracle it was for him to be here with her. If that grenade had been full power, if Elliot had been in front of Scott… she wouldn't be here, sitting in front of him. He wouldn't be here at all.

"So, I'm laying there on the ground, thinking I'm dead, thinking I'm bleeding out on the ground… my ears are… Christ, I'm in agony. I can't hear a damn thing. There's a bleeding gash on the side of my face from a piece of shrapnel. My helmet's burst to pieces."

"But you're alive." Olivia whispered.

Elliot nodded. "I'm alive. The first thing I think of is Scott, and… He was looking down on me in that moment, Liv. He kept me safe." He took a deep breath. "The whole team wanted to call a medevac for me. But I couldn't leave them. We were already down a couple of men, and I couldn't put them down another one. I was okay, I could move… my ears were still ringing, my chest hurt like a mother from the blast. But I kept going. We ended up breaking through their lines, and chasing them back. When it was all over, my staff sergeant walked up to me and told me he was putting me in for the Medal of Honor. I told him I didn't want him to."

"Why not?"

Elliot shrugged. "Liv, you gotta understand the mindset. You go through _everything_ with these guys. Eating, drinking, missing your family, missing your home, walking through hell on earth and coming face to face with people who want you dead. You'd lay down your life without question for any one of them. I wasn't doing anything that they wouldn't have done for me."

Her heart swelled. She leaned forward, and wrapped her arms around him. He responded immediately, hugging her back. As soon as they broke apart, he reached into the box one more time, and held out a single dog tag.

"Scott's." He said softly. "After I got out, I flew out to Sacramento to give his tags to his wife. I told her… I was with him when it happened. I told her how sorry I was. I wished it had been me instead of him. She cried on my shoulder. When I went to leave, she gave me one of his tags. I thanked her, and… I left."

He took a deep breath, getting to his feet. "Alright, enough of that. I'm starving, want something to eat?"

She nodded, smiling. "Sounds good."

"I make a mean omelette." Elliot said. Olivia didn't miss how he held her hand as they walked into the kitchen. "Sit down, relax, and watch the master work."

Elliot lit himself a cigarette as he took the ingredients out of the fridge. As Olivia watched him, she couldn't help but fall for him a little more. At the beginning, she couldn't see anything but a battered, broken soul. Now, she was seeing more and more of Elliot, the man.

_He just opened up about something he hasn't told anyone in a long time. I have to repay him somehow for that. _

_If he can trust me like this, I know I can trust him. _

That's when she made the decision. He's laid his soul to bare for her, so it was only fair for her to do the same for him. As soon as he sat down, she would tell him everything.

* * *

A/N: Hope you enjoyed :) Make sure to leave a review, and be rewarded with a nice sneak peak of the next chapter :) Also, if you have a Twitter and haven't followed me already, you can do so Stabson10.


	19. Chapter 19

A/N: SO sorry for the long wait! This chapter was particularly difficult for me, but I don't know why. The writer's block is coming on strong. I got it done, though, so I hope you enjoy!

* * *

Elliot set two plates down on the bar in front of Olivia, and sat across from her. The omelettes on the plate looked delicious; they were big, cheesy, and filled with bacon. "Wow. This looks awesome."

"Try it." Elliot answered, pouring hot sauce all over his plate.

Her brow furrowed. "Did you just pour hot sauce on your eggs?"

"Hell, yeah, I did." He took a huge bite. "Delicious. Want some?"

"No, thanks." She said, chuckling as she cut a bit of omelette and popped it into her mouth. She moaned, and her eyes rolled back in her head. Best. Omelette. Ever. The eggs were pillowy, cheesy and delicious. The bacon was cooked just enough. "Oh my God, Elliot. You just need to quit work and open an omelette house, because this is fantastic."

Elliot laughed, taking another bite. "I think I'll stick to just making them for you. If you want, that is."

"I definitely want. Seriously, how did you learn to make these so well?"

He shrugged. "You know how busy this job can be. I never got to spend as much time with my family as I wanted, so whenever I got a day off, I reserved the morning just for me and Maureen. She loved omelettes… with extra cheese and bacon." A smile came across his lips as he thought about his daughter's face… her wide smile, sparkling eyes… "Kathy bought this huge pan for god knows what, so I'd make one about double the size of this, and we shared it. Guess we did it so often, I just got really good at it." He chuckled. "She used to make the same face you did when I put hot sauce on my half."

Olivia reached for his hand, and squeezed. "You sound like a great dad, El."

He looked up at her, and gave a small smile. "I tried my best. I wasn't always there, and that's something I regret, but… I loved them more than this Earth."

"I don't doubt that."

Elliot was shocked by how easy it was to talk about them. There was a point where he couldn't even utter one of their names without breaking into tears, but now… there was still pain, no doubt about that, there was still anguish, but it was bearable. He loved the time they spent together.

Olivia finished her omelette in record time. When Elliot finished as well, she took his plate , and placed both of them in the sink. Taking a deep breath, she sat back down, and said, "Remember when I told you about… my mom?"

"Yeah." Elliot answered. His brow furrowed, and he leaned forward. He didn't know what she was going to say, but he could tell that it was important. "Why?"

"You've told me everything there is to know about you. I figured I should do the same." She said.

Elliot stood from his chair, walked around the bar, and sat next to her. "Okay."

Olivia took a deep breath. This was going to be harder than she thought it would. "I told you about… my mother being raped."

He nodded.

"She was an alcoholic." She began. "She couldn't deal with what happened to her, and… I reminded her of him whenever she looked at me. So she'd drink."

"That's no excuse for her to hurt you." He said gently. "You know that, right?"

Olivia nodded, but she wasn't so sure. If it hadn't been for her… Being raped was hard enough, and she couldn't imagine having a permanent reminder. "When I was in high school, I dated one of her students. When she found out… she was drinking. She broke the bottle of vodka, and came after me with the jagged edge of the bottle."

"What did you do?"

Olivia pursed his lips. "I didn't know _what_ to do. When she came after me, I… I had to protect myself. I kicked her twice, and ran out of the house."

Elliot's heart sunk as tears formed in Olivia's eyes. He'd never seen her like this, and frankly, it scared him.

"I really shouldn't be crying. Y-you tell me about how your best friend was blown up in front of your eyes, and one of your daughters dying in your arms, and I-I can't even handle…"

"Hey." He whispered, reaching for her. His arm wrapped around her waist and he pulled her close. "Don't say that. You were hurt, too, you have every right to cry."

She leaned into his solid chest, and allowed the tears to fall. She hadn't told anyone about her past; she shoved it into the back of her mind and never dealt with it, sort of like Elliot did. She didn't express herself in the same way as he did, with the anger and the pain, but that didn't mean it didn't hurt. It felt good to finally get it off her chest, but at the same time, the emotions were still raw.

"You have nothing to be ashamed of." Elliot murmured, pulling away just enough to look at her face. "Liv, you need to know… if it weren't for you, I… don't know what I'd be doing right now. Probably drinking myself into a stupor. Not to mention what a great detective you are."

"That man… I don't know what kind of genes he passed down to me, I don't know…" Olivia whispered, "What if I'm like him?"

"You're nothing like him. I haven't seen a violent bone in your body. Olivia, you're a good person. Hell, you're a great person. Your father, your mother, nothing can change that." Elliot squeezed her hand to punctuate the statement. "Nothing. Do you understand?"

"I don't know." She mumbled, avoiding his gaze. "El, I just… don't know."

Elliot took a deep breath, and placed both hands on her shoulders. "Listen, Olivia. You're strong. You keep telling me that _I_ am, that _I_ can get over what I have to get over. So if you think that I can, then you can, too."

She shook her head. "I can talk all I want, but… I could never survive what you've had to go through, El. I could never… I probably would have eaten my gun. You… I don't know how you can do this."

He hesitated for a long moment, a lump forming in his throat. And here he thought she knew what she was doing… as it turns out, she knew less than he did about recovering. He swallowed. "I don't know how, either. I-I just know that…" Elliot took a deep breath. This was harder to say than he thought it would be. "When I'm with you, I… the pain, it doesn't seem to matter. I hope… I can do the same for you. I'm here for you, just like you're here for me."

This time, it was Olivia that wrapped her arms around him, and pulled him close, her head falling against his shoulder. She whispered, "Thank you."

He knew now why she was so dedicated to helping him. Sure, hearing about this and seeing her so upset sucked, but holding her and being able to say that he was helping her was the best feeling in the world. He could only imagine what it felt like for her.

"You're welcome." He answered.

* * *

The next morning, Captain Cragen sat at his desk in his office, checking his watch and nervously glancing through the window on the door. It was nearing 7:20, and Elliot still hadn't arrived yet. Then again, most of his detectives hadn't; their shift started at eight. But for the past year and a half, Elliot had been getting to work around seven, and on particularly bad days, even six thirty.

_Maybe he drank himself into a stupor again, _the captain thought to himself. _But he's been doing better than usual lately. _

Finally, the door to the bullpen opened, and Elliot walked through, hand shuffling through the inside pocket of his suit jacket. Cragen watched him for a moment as he took off the jacket, slung it on the back of his chair, and sat down, taking a long stretch.

The captain stood, and leaned in the doorway. "Hey. You're late."

Elliot looked up at the captain, confusion on his face. He checked his watch. "No I'm not. It's only seven thirty."

"Later than usual."

"I thought you'd be proud. I slept pretty damn well last night." A slanted grin was plastered across his face. He knew the captain was just busting his balls.

Don shrugged, approaching the detective's desk. "I was starting to worry I'd have to go over to your place and see you passed out on the floor."

Elliot picked up a pen, and twirled it between his fingers. Finally, he shrugged. "Well, you didn't have to. I haven't had a drop of the hard stuff in… over a week, I think."

Cragen nodded, sitting on the edge of the desk. "How're you feeling, then?"

He took a deep breath. "You know, I'm… I'm good." He nodded to himself. "Yeah, I'm doing alright."

"So, seeing Doctor Reilly has been helping, then."

Elliot looked up at the captain. "Yeah. It has been."

The captain reached out, and pat Elliot on the shoulder. "That's great to hear, son."

Elliot gave Cragen a small smile. "Thanks, Cap'n."

They both heard clicking of shoes on the floor, and Olivia walked through the double doors. Cragen stood, and reached into his pocket. "You're just in time. I got a case for you two."

He handed Elliot the piece of paper. "A woman was found dead in her apartment."

"Morning, Liv." He said, reaching for his jacket.

"Morning." She answered, turning towards the elevator. After their talk the day previous, they'd taken the opportunity to just relax; that meant more mafia movies and a big bag of buttery popcorn. She'd left in the late hours of the afternoon, citing a messy apartment and the need to do laundry before work.

"Want to drive?" He asked, holding out the keys.

"Sure."

* * *

CSU was already on the scene when Elliot and Olivia arrived.

"What do we have?" Elliot asked, looking around.

"Body's in the bedroom." O'Halloran said. "There are signs of a struggle here, it looks like the perp overpowered the victim, and dragged her through the living room."

Elliot and Olivia followed him through the apartment, and into the bedroom.

The victim was young. She looked to be in her mid twenties, possibly just out of college and on her own for the first time. Her dark hair was messy, her face was covered in bruises, and she was naked except for a black lace bra. Her arms were tied to the headboard above her.

"Jesus Christ." Elliot murmured, approaching the body. Blood poured from a slice in her throat. "It looks like the perp beat the crap out of her."

"He did." Melinda said from the corner. "Your guy tied her up before ripping her clothes off and beating her with his fists."

"Raped?" Olivia asked.

"There were traces of spermicide, but we haven't found a condom or a wrapper. Your guy must have taken it with him."

"What about the murder weapon?"

"We've been tearing this place apart." O'Halloran said. "No luck."

"Which means he's careful." Olivia said. "Maybe a repeat offender?"

"I'll check with ViCap when we get back to the station." Elliot said. "Do we have I.D?"

"The landlord's outside."

* * *

Elliot sighed as he and Olivia walked up the driveway of the house. After speaking with the landlord, they got a name, and an address for her parents in Staten Island. The victim, Caitlyn Pierce, had graduated college the spring before and, like Elliot thought, it was her first time on her own, in her first apartment.

"Ready?" Olivia asked, glancing at her partner.

"Yeah, let's just get this over with." Elliot said, taking a deep breath. He reached the door, and knocked quickly. This was the worst part of his job, without a doubt.

A woman answered the door. Like Caitlyn, she had straight, black hair.

"Mrs. Pierce?" Elliot asked.

"Yes? Can I help you?"

He flashed his badge. "My name is Detective Stabler, and this is my partner, Detective Benson. May we come in?"

"What's this about?" Mrs. Pierce asked nervously.

"It's really not something that we should discuss on the doorstep."

Mrs. Pierce stepped aside, allowing the two detectives in. "Have a seat. Can I get you anything?"

"We're fine." Olivia said. "Mrs. Pierce, when's the last time you spoke with your daughter, Caitlyn?"

"A few days ago." The woman answered. "She called me about a promotion at work, she was so excited. Why? Is there something wrong with my daughter?"

Elliot took a deep breath. "Mrs. Pierce… your daughter was found in her apartment this morning. I'm so sorry to have to tell you this, but… she was murdered last night."

Her reaction was exactly what he expected. She ended up punching him weakly several times in the chest, then sobbing on his shoulder as he tried to calm her down with words of comfort.

"Is there anyone you can think of that might want to do this to your daughter, Mrs. Pierce?" He asked gently, holding her at arm's length.

"No." She answered, wiping her eyes. "Caitlyn was… she had a few friends, but other than that, she was just… normal. I can't imagine why someone would do this to her."

* * *

"Damn." Elliot cursed, setting the phone down onto his desk.

"What's wrong?" Olivia looked up at him.

"Nothing with ViCap. Any luck tracking down past offenders in the area?"

"There's a recently paroled sex offender living in the building next door, but it says here he only likes ages eight to twelve." Olivia said, looking at her computer screen.

Elliot scoffed. "That's nice." He stood, and looked at the information plastered on the whiteboard. "She graduated from Pace University last May with a degree in Graphic Design and got a job at a studio downtown. She was doing pretty well for herself. Who would want to rape and murder this girl?"

"All the evidence suggests a stranger." Olivia said, approaching him.

Elliot nodded. "Which means we don't have much to go on."

"Well, Mrs. Pierce gave us the name of Caitlyn's best friend. Maybe she can tell us something."

"Maybe."

* * *

A/N: A new case! What kind of twisting and winding road does it have in store for our two favorite detectives? Will it bring them closer, or drive them further apart? STAY TUNED and find out! Also, **review for a sneak peak of the next chapter! Woohoo! **Thanks for reading, and let me know in the reviews below what you like/didn't like/want to see more of!

Also, if you want cool sneak peaks, to talk to me directly, or to just see awesome posts, **follow me on Twitter Stabson10.**

Have a great morning/afternoon/evening!

-Stabson


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